maskormenacelogs | semi-closed;

Entry tags:

semi-closed;

WHO: Ken + castmates/housemates and CR; planned threads
WHERE: Nonah#005, De Chima#001, and various places as needed
WHEN: May 19th to perhaps the 24th
WHAT: the aftermath of this and reconnecting with friends
WARNINGS: like last time, talks of death and suicide and shit

i: Nonah #005; (the prompt is for the 19th, but other days work too)
On the 18th, he left with a note on the refrigerator that he was sleeping over at a friend's with Koromaru and wouldn't be home that day. That, he thought, might keep his housemates from worrying when he didn't show up that night. But Ken ends up home anyway, much later into the night, with a certain blue-haired man in tow, and he curls into bed and falls asleep almost immediately then. When he wakes up, it's past noon and he has a headache but he's feeling oddly refreshed.

There are things he lied to his housemates about. There are things he wants to ask them, and clear up. He doesn't feel like putting on clothes so he just throws his jacket on over his pajamas and steps out of his room. It's a weekday, so he doesn't know who's going to be home, but he has plenty of time. Whenever he comes across someone who's at the house, he shuffles over to them, hesitating just once before mumbling: "Can I sit with you?"

ii: De Chima #001
After the talks at Nonah have been had, De Chima is his next stop. He isn't sure how far the news had spread, if it had at all, but he's sure he'll find out once he's there. It's daunting, but it's hardy the scariest thing he's dealt with at this point... right?

Lies. Facing his friends is the scariest part. Scarier than running off alone with a knife in his pocket and no idea where to go. He's absolutely terrified of confronting them, even if there's a voice in his head whispering that it really wouldn't be a confrontation. It doesn't help the nervous twisting in his gut, though, so he clutches the straps on his backpack as he enters the house.

And the nervousness is overwhelming. He can hardly handle it. It's to the point that the moment he runs into anybody at De Chima #001 and they so much as greet him, he jumps and lowers his head and immediately blurts out a hurried, "I'm sorry!" ... Sorry about that.

iii: a text message
And maybe you're not at either of those houses when he is and Ken still wants to see you, or he feels like going somewhere that's not the houses to talk with you. In such a case, there will be a text from Ken to you, short and to the point. He'd make it more specific, maybe explain more, but he ended up getting nervous and sending it off quickly so the actual message ends up saying nothing more than:

Can we meet up somewhere?

((ooc; I'll likely also make this a catch-all for Ken stuff during June, so if you'd like to do something with him, whether it's about the above stuff of anything else, feel free to shoot me a message at

squigstuff!))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The position is convenient if for no other reason than that it's much easier to speak without looking directly at him. This subject isn't immensely personal, but it's still more personal than Minato is typically ready to own up to. He's becoming used to saying these sorts of things to Ken, though-- and Jaime. It almost feels normal when it's the two of them.

Almost.

"No. There just wasn't anything I wanted to think about, so it was easiest not to think if there was something else to focus on. Everything around me... There wasn't anything I really cared about."

Even though Ken can't see his face this way, Minato still looks away. It's hard to admit these things, hard in the sense that it feels precarious. It makes it more real, and the last thing Minato needs is for the tragedies in his life to take on more weight. It's why he's always avoided them.

Quietly, "It's a relief to me that you haven't had to cope that way."

He fingers one of the headphones hanging around his neck and considers this. So the music had been something for Minato to focus on. He had overheard plenty of classmates talking about music was an escape, or how it blocked everything out, and he didn't even give it a thought back then but perhaps it was true. At the least, there must have been people it worked on, like Minato. Like his mother, folding their laundry with some song he couldn't place playing on the stereo behind her. (What were those songs? He can't check anymore, and there's nobody who can tell him.) Music hadn't even occurred to Ken until he saw Minato come around the shrine. He wonders if it would have made a difference.

"I think learned to lie, instead," he confesses, a quiet murmur projected downward toward the fabric of his hood. He doesn't elaborate, but the admittance brings back a flood of memories he shoved away anyway. What he remembers are his last days at his relatives' home, pretending he didn't overhear them talking about him the night before they brought up Gekkoukan; he remembers the rumor mill that started up after his new classmates got curious why he wasn't going home for spring break; he remembers the concerned looks nervous teachers gave him and all their questions if he was okay. He didn't have a way to shut it out and it had been so loud, but the nights were unbearably silent, returning to his empty dorm room and not having anybody to say good night to. What if he had music to fill in those gaps? He sighs, closing his eyes and wondering how long Minato would let him stay like this next to him, if he wasn't getting too uncomfortable. "I went out into the Dark Hour right after I got sent to Gekkoukan. I saw somebody get attacked by Shadows, once... and instead of staying inside, I went out more. I wanted to know that it was real, that I wasn't really imagining it or going crazy like everyone thought I was."

He sucks his lower lip between his teeth, and he forces himself to shrug.

"I don't think I really coped. When the Shadows didn't kill me, I decided I'll kill them so I snuck a brush into my room and started learning how to fight."

He's letting Ken rest on him because it's what Ken needs; it's something he's doing for him. That way of thinking means Minato could do this forever. It's almost like he, himself, isn't personally involved.

"Just because it started out as a lie doesn't mean it needs to stay that way." It's spoken in a murmur as Minato turns it over in his head. "Killing something preying on others is a natural urge. If you were doing it for your own reasons... that you understand that now means you can decide your reasons for yourself."

Ken growing to understand himself means that he can be self-determined. It's a process Minato's watched every social link he's had go through: in the beginning, allowing others to dictate who they were. Or allowing their own helpless feelings to do that. Ken being caught in grief and rage fulminating into a need for vengeance wasn't so surprising. But Ken has grown a lot, has seen inside himself to the uglier parts and clearly been greatly affected by that.

He has an opportunity, to make up his own mind, clear-headed, about who he wants to be.

"My reasons," he repeats, trying out the sound and feel of the word on his own tongue. It wan't that he was without a reason before; he at least convinced himself that he had one. It used to feel thick and impossible to breathe around when he used to say it, growling to himself that his reason was revenge and nothing more. Right now, the word feels foreign all over again.

His reason. Would he be able to find that? Even with the revenge out of the way, even trying to tell himself that he wouldn't try to die again, all he can see ahead are Shadows. Shadows, the Dark Hour, Tartarus -- he wants them to end, but what will happen to him after? He'd told Jaime that he and Koromaru would just have to find a place after because he didn't think the dorm would stay open after. He wouldn't return to his relatives' place, anyway. Would he be able to return to a 'normal' life after this, teaching himself to not stay up until midnight and attending school and eventually finding a job? Was there a 'reason' in that? An ordinary everyday life where nothing special or adventurous happens, trying to find somewhere to belong again. After all, SEES will disband, and they'll probably scatter; even if they all became friends one day, they were still individual people and people who meet inevitably part, one way or another.

He lets go of the headphones and his hand lands on Minato's over his shoulder.

"Do you think I can?"

"Of course."

But straight forward confidence, for all that it's accurate, might not be enough to persuade Ken that it's a founded belief. Minato is used to others not understanding him and particularly to Ken seeming to believe that his faith in him comes from some mysterious, inexplicable Minato-ness that defies normal convention. If he understands better, maybe it'll be easier for him to believe it himself.

"You're stronger than I was at that age... and you have all of us. You've already grown a lot, and even if you don't realize it, you've decided certain things about who you are. You won't hurt Shinjiro-san for what he did, because he feels remorse... You'll protect others to prevent them feeling the pain that you did, rather than calling it a lost cause.

"When you feel doubt, when you wonder, it's something everyone does. Even Mitsuru-san wonders if she's doing things for the right reasons. We all do."

"Kirijo-senpai's your example for that?" It's said with a laugh, maybe slightly more than humorless although it's not one out of joy. Of all the people to use, Minato went for her. But it made sense, he supposes, considering what kind of person Mitsuru Kirijo carried herself as. So even she wonders, huh? But then... he thinks he remembers, on occasion, coming across her in the dorm and she has a hand to her forehead, frowning, and she'd stand up straighter the moment she noticed him.

"I guess you're right, though. I'm not surprised. I think I remember, too.

"Can I ask you for a favor?"

"She's the person I thought would seem the least likely to question herself," he confesses, since he's well aware most people didn't get his perspective on Mitsuru. He didn't get it until the very end of the year, either. Minato wouldn't be able to betray her confidence, even here-- he knows how closely she guards herself, and it's too like him not to understand it-- but something this vague, it's alright. Of course she's human, underneath everything.

Minato hadn't been expecting the request for a favor, but immediately says, "Yes."

There wouldn't be any different response if it weren't the day after Ken had tried to throw himself in front of a train, but that certainly isn't hurting Minato's earnestness. He hasn't been given too many requests since he's gotten here and he may have some pent up desire to fulfill them. He likes direction; it's much less complicated.

"That makes sense," he says, his answer short and lame but acknowledging Minato's reasoning all the same. He couldn't agree more, anyway; Akihiko was like a bullet in how he shot forward once he decided on a part of a thought, but Mitsuru seemed to live her life with a different kind of conviction.

Of course Minato would be the one allowed to see past that. He can understand that, he thinks, with Minato's arm around his shoulders, feeling warmer and more relaxed than he thinks he has in years. He shifts only enough to grab the Gekkoukan jacket thrown on the bed beside them and to reach into his hoodie's pocket, pulling out the slightly-wrinkled SEES band.

"I took it off, when I decided -- it felt wrong to wear it and-- ... Can you put this on again? "

Minato had been all raring to go off on a quest for Ken, and has to settle himself at this seemingly innocuous request. But he understands it, he really does. If Minato had ever felt like he was undeserving of SEES, that they wouldn't want him around...

He'd take his own membership band off with a heavy heart. But he wouldn't claim something that wasn't his.

He wants to make Ken see that is is and always will be his. Minato doesn't speak immediately; his eyes soften and he nods, his deft, delicate hands taking up the strip of cloth and Ken's jacket and attaching it.

"In the future," Minato says, pinning it carefully so it'll lay straight when the jacket is on, "I think it should be my decision whether it comes off. So... come to me if you're thinking about it."

Which conveniently also means that when he's dead, Ken can never take it off. Minato can't deny he's thinking about that with well-hidden sadness, quickly swallowed. He can't keep going if he reflects on how his death will affect Ken and the others. He just can't.

Ken watches quietly as the armband is pinned to the jacket, his expression solemn but paying apt attention. Koromaru, now that the boys' moment of stillness has passed, hops onto the bed and lays his head on Ken's lap and watches, too, letting out a soft sighing breath.

"Can I come to you even if I don't think about it?"

He's pretty sure it's inevitable. He'll want to, maybe as soon as the first night Minato stops spending in this house. Maybe even as soon as tomorrow morning. But he'll hang it outside his closet, he thinks, so he can look at it if he needs to. And if it isn't enough...

"I spent the last two summers by myself in the dorm. Everyone went to Yakushima, too, but I was at the shrine with Koromaru... can we do stuff? Maybe with everyone, but... if you're not too busy."

"You can always come see me," Minato says with an air of solemn promise, his eyes heavy with meaning. No flippant, easy assurances here. Minato withdraws his hand, wondering if he can manage to say how alone he's been sometimes, too. Not literally alone, like Ken, what with how often Minato goes out and spends time with others.

But in the past, he has often been like that. And now, sometimes he feels like he can't breathe for thinking of the looming future ahead of him. If it's bad, he'll be stuck with Erebus again-- a fate and a memory Minato has carefully blocked out in any detail-- and even if it's good, and he's alive in truth, that comes with decisions and responsibilities Minato had thought he'd set down for good. He understands needing to be around others to distract his mind from reality. It doesn't do him any good to be thinking about it.

No, this isn't something he knows how to say articulately.

"I only work a couple days. And... I'd prefer not to be alone, either."

Minato's answer is short. But while it doesn't convey every subtle nuance of the thoughts that led up to his answer, it's enough for now, and Ken nods. It's certainly odd, hearing words like 'alone' from someone like Minato, but Ken knows very well how the number of people around them has only so much do with how a person would feel about it. Ken himself will probably never feel as at home as he did when it was just him and his mother, even if he had all these friends like he has here. And Minato... Minato stood in a position that separated him even from the members of SEES, with his multiple Personas and the strange fate he seemed to be following and his status as the leader.

"Thank you," he starts, then turns slightly to face him better. He stil has one arm is around him, but now he raises the other too to grasp the front of Minato's shirt, tugging him quickly, and briefly, into a fuller embrace.

In all honesty, it's sloppy. He pulls out of it with embarrassment burning up his cheeks, and a part of him laments that he just can't pull off things like this right. But he'll take that over the darker, colder thoughts he knows he hasn't escaped from -- the ones that'll come back to whisper at him sooner or later -- and he drops his forehead against Minato's shoulder again once he pulls out of that awkward hug.

"Thanks, Leader."

Minato is bemused by the hug but not at all embarrassed. He oftentimes doesn't know what to do with physical contact, but it doesn't bother him either. He's neutral towards it, and if it's a neutrality he's learned from lack of exposure, he doesn't dwell on it. Minato isn't someone who craves things that he doesn't have.

He appreciates what he has now instead, belatedly raising his arms to return it and shortly thereafter having to lower them again. He keeps his left loosely curled around Ken's shoulders, not contesting it as he hides his face in his jacket.

"You're welcome."

It's now, at last, that Minato feels the tension in his chest ease, that wondering that was constricting it, and his breath comes easily again.

Ken is going to be alright. He'll make sure of it.

Edited 2015-07-21 02:54 (UTC)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

semi-closed;

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject