[CLOSED] it's a cold, cruel, harsh reality

[kingpawn]

WHO: Jesse Pinkman and Walter White
WHERE: La casa de Jesse
WHEN: March 22nd -- evening
WHAT: Uh...just some torture, ya know? Nothing to see here.
WARNINGS: drugs, violence, mentions of cancer, messing up Jesse -- same thing that always happens in a Walt/Jesse log.

[ It's never a good sign when Walt is already waiting in Jesse's room for him to come home from wherever he is. The past couple of days have been a step backwards for him. Everything he said in the beginning since he arrived here -- that was all thrown out the window. Walt had cooked, threatened people, recruited people, and utilized his job's supply to make all of this happen. And it was all because he didn't know what else to do. A knee-jerk reaction to finding out unsettling news.

Unsettling news that Jesse is responsible for.

So that morning, Walt put it on his to-do list to pay Jesse a visit, to break the silence and confront him for fucking everything up.

He's sitting in a chair, eyes glued on the window, and a stolen bottle of beer in his still-bandaged hands whenever Jesse finally gets home. He hasn't even bothered to turn on a light. Yet another very bad sign. ]

Comments

[hostage]

[It's always a little unsettling when he hasn't heard from Walt in a few days, but after their last conversation, Jesse convinced himself that his uneasiness was purely in his head. Mr. White claimed things were good between them now, so Jesse would have to believe that.

He certainly doesn't expect Walt to be waiting for him in his darkened dorm room. With Saul's departure, they're meant to be past that phase in their relationship. When Jesse walks in, he doesn't think to look around. He tosses his jacket aside carelessly and flips on the light, and it's only when he's about halfway to the fridge that he notices Walt sitting there.]

- Jesus!

[His heart just jumped right out of his chest. He presses his hand to it.]

I didn't know you were coming over.

[In that same moment, he notices the bandages around Walt's hands.]

Shit, you need me to take care of that?

[kingpawn]

[ Walt doesn't look at Jesse when he hears him come in, sitting as still as a statue. It isn't until after he asks if Walt wants him to take care of the injuries that he shifts, hands closing into fists. He gets up from his seat, staring down at Jesse as he closes the distance between them -- slow, deliberate steps until they're face to face. ]

Just like you took care of the cancer?

[hostage]

[Jesse swallows, shrinking back with every step Walt takes. The color drains from his face at the mention of cancer. Mr. White must have finally gotten some tests done, which means it's useless to lie about it - though Jesse isn't even sure why he should lie about it. It isn't something to be ashamed of. Saving his partner's life isn't something he should have to be ashamed of.]

...Yeah. Yeah, like that.

[kingpawn]

[ Of course he would tell the truth when it's too late to reverse it. Walt's impassive expression becomes instantly full of anger and the closed fist clenches tighter before it comes up for a swing -- throwing every bit of strength he has into attempting to punch Jesse right in the face. ]

I told you not to!!

[hostage]

[Jesse takes the hit, and it lands hard, sending him sprawling back. He catches himself against the wall and brings a hand up to shield his mouth, wiping away the blood where he just bit into his lip. It's already healing.]

I'm - I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry, Mr. White. Not for that.

[kingpawn]

You will be.

[ He reaches out to grab one of Jesse's wrists. The punch was satisfying, but with Jesse's rate of healing -- the only way to get the effect Walt truly wants is to use his powers. And if Jesse hasn't wrenched himself away, Walt gives him a nice shot of internal and intense pain. ]

[hostage]

[He doesn't mean to fight, but his body reacts before his mind, jerking back in fear of that inevitable pain. He knows what Walt's going to do even before it happens. Still, he's not strong enough to escape the determined grip on his wrist. As the stinging pain erupts down his arm, Jesse hisses and twists his body away from Walt, pressing against the wall. There's nowhere to go.]

[kingpawn]

[ He let Jesse off way too easy the first time after Saul. This anger he has right now, the vile, black rage makes him want Jesse to be in absolute agony -- wishing for death.

Walt steps in close and grabs Jesse's other wrist, working on doing the exact opposite of their experiment. All the horrible emotions he can bring up with the pain? The fear, the anxiety, the panic -- Walt warps Jesse's chemicals to make this as awful of an experience as possible. ]

Is this who you wanted to save, Jesse? Tell me -- was it worth taking the cancer away?

[hostage]

[He wants to say that yes, yes, of course it was worth it. Saving Mr. White's life will always be worth it. It's worth the lives he's taken and it's worth his own life, and it's worth the pain he's enduring now and the pain that's still waiting for him in the future.

But Jesse finds that he can't speak. When he opens his mouth, the only thing that comes out is a choked sob. He's trapped here, the world outside collapsing until it's just the two of them locked in the battle for his psyche. Hell is real and Walt's dragging him there. They skipped the dying part and went straight to eternal suffering. Jesse hears the voices of the dead waiting for him there, and he can smell their corpses, and it's his fault. Everything. Everything is his fault.

Beneath Walt's hold, Jesse's pulse races to dangerous speeds. His heart can't take it.]

[kingpawn]

[ There's an issue here, and the issue isn't that Walter wants to stop what he's doing. The issue is that he doesn't have the stamina to keep doing what he's doing. Without Jesse's power to assist him -- working through as many chemicals as he is, Walt can barely keep a hold of it for the ten minutes of agony he's giving Jesse.

So maybe he has to change his tactic -- to trick Jesse into boosting his powers. The panic and fear, that fades to whatever natural levels Jesse housed before. The pain is the last to be let go. And with that, Walt releases Jesse's wrists -- bringing his palms up to very gently cup his cheeks. ]

You won't see it the same way as I do. Of course you won't. But without the cancer, Jesse, it makes everything I've done -- everything we've done meaningless. You value my life, but we never would have had what we did without it. I've become so used to living on a countdown that I don't know how to live without one. You took away my choice.

[ His expression is one of loss -- for himself, for Jesse, for the situation. Walt thumbs over Jesse's cheek and hits him with a shot of dopamine. ]

You took away my chance to be free.

[ He blocks off the pain receptors. ]

[hostage]

[Jesse lets out a startled cry when Walt moves, anticipating that this is somehow about to become even worse. He shakes his head as Walt grips his face and looks up with terrified eyes, his freed hands now pushing weakly against Walt's chest.]

P-Please, Mr. White...

[Whatever else he was going to say, it fades off as something changes in his brain chemistry. A warmth cuts through the darkness and he stops fighting, hands balling into fists so he's clinging to Walt's shirt now.]

[kingpawn]

Did you miss this feeling, Jesse?

[ Walt asks idly, working the chemicals on a slow, careful build. It's using the last of his strength to knock on the door and invite Jesse's power enhancer out to play. ]

For you, this was your freedom, wasn't it? And this world took that away from you. How did it feel?

[hostage]

[How did it feel? It was better. He was better. He didn't have to fight his addiction anymore because it was literally impossible to give in to it. That was freedom.

This is a sickness. He recognizes it even as it's overtaking him. But it feels so much better than the pain, yeah. If Walt's going to hurt him with something, this is better than the alternative.

And just like Walt predicted, Jesse lends him his energy.]

[kingpawn]

[ He feels the strength surge into him, revitalizing him -- giving him power again. Walt lets the chemicals build and linger for a couple more minutes before he breaks contact. ]

Why don't you lie down? It'll be easier if you don't have to expend energy to stand...

[ Walt walks toward the door, sliding the lock into place. ]

[hostage]

[When Walt lets go of him, it takes Jesse a moment to come back to his body, to find his hands and his feet and to figure out what he's hearing. Directions, yeah. It would be easier if he wasn't standing.

With shaky steps and his fingers trailing along the wall so he doesn't get lost in his head, he wanders toward the bedroom and topples into bed.]

[kingpawn]

[ Walt follows behind him after a moment, sealing the bedroom door and locking that too. He doesn't want to be disturbed -- not as though they ever have before, but it's best not to take chances and rely on luck.

He walks over to the bed and extends his hand for Jesse. Since Jesse condemned Walt to a lifetime of this hell, Walt was going to drag him down with him. ]

...give me your hand.

[hostage]

[It's sort of a surprise to find Walt beside him again, still lost in a fog. The danger doesn't register. He doesn't even realize he's been locked in. Jesse takes Walt's hand without question.]

[kingpawn]

[ Walt closes his eyes and 'rewards' Jesse for complying so easily with a spike in dopamine. But something else starts to work its way in there -- something that would have a sedative-like effect in relaxing him. ]

I'm sorry, Jesse. I am. But this is the only way you're going to learn...

[hostage]

[It's nice and soft. His whole body's going limp and the mattress beneath him feels like a cloud. It's like he'll fall asleep any second now, drift off and have sweet dreams...]

Learn what..?

[His tongue is heavy, the words slurred.]

[kingpawn]

To stop lying to me.

[ Walt needs to make sure he keeps everything in the balance -- just enough of the hypnotic to keep Jesse relaxed, awake, and able to give him strength if needed. It's such a delicate process, and there's no telling whether it will truly work until he gets him talking. ]

Why did you ignore my wishes and cure me completely? And why didn't you tell me what you did?

[hostage]

[Now Jesse couldn't possibly lie if he wanted to. Whatever mental function that involves has evaporated under chemical influence. He mumbles the first thing that comes to his mind:]

I didn't want you to die. I knew you'd figure it out eventually, but... I thought maybe you'd change your mind about it once you were all better. Maybe you could be happy, or... maybe you'd at least wanna stay... here. With me.

[kingpawn]

[ Walt is thrown off guard by Jesse's remark. Really, he should have expected it. Jesse adores him, looks up to him, thinks of him as family. But Walt never allowed himself to see this -- only seeing the volatile rage Jesse could easily be thrown into. Walt never allowed himself to see that Jesse is capable of the same exact things Walt had done to him back home -- manipulating a person to stay around.

His expression crumbles with an inner devastation. He hates that Jesse disregarded his wishes, but Walt can understand it now better than he could when he first walked in the door. He suspected Jesse of housing only selfish reasons, wanting to save Walt because he 'owed it to him' or 'it was the right thing to do.' Can Walt really fault him when everything Walt has done has been so that he doesn't lose Jesse? ]

You should have told me. We could've worked through it together.

[ But even as he says that, he knows it's not true. Walt never would have allowed him to do what he did if he had known. ]

[hostage]

Oh...

[No disagreement. In this state, he takes that as an order. If this was something he'd remember later, he'd file it away for reference: In such situations, tell Mr. White the truth.]

[kingpawn]

[ Walt frowns, looking down at their hands -- his link to Jesse's current state of mind. ]

Jesse, where's Saul?

[hostage]

[He answers honestly and simply:]

Dunno.

[kingpawn]

He didn't tell you where he was going? Not even a hint?

[hostage]

[Jesse's lips twitch into a smile.]

I told him not to.

[kingpawn]

[ Okay. He's back to being angry. ]

Because of me. Because you want to hide him from me. Why.

[hostage]

So you wouldn't kill him.

[kingpawn]

[ Walt raises a brow. ]

Why would I kill him? Why do you think I'd kill him?

[ It's not like Walt's coming here to go on a mass murdering spree. Been there, done that. Geesh. ]

[hostage]

You killed ten people in jail. Saul said me and him were next. Said you probably already killed Mike. Gave me a gun. But I don't remember. It's just what he said. I didn't remember the gun. Got mad at him about that. Stupid...

[His power flickers as his consciousness wavers.]

I'm tired...

[kingpawn]

Saul is just being paranoid, Jesse. I have no reason to kill you or him.

[ Not until now. But when he feels Jesse slip a little, Walt pulls back the chemicals just a bit. ]

Do you believe me?

[hostage]

[Jesse answers a bit louder:]

Yeah... Saul's paranoid.

[kingpawn]

And you believe I wouldn't kill him or you?

[hostage]

You have no reason to kill us.

[kingpawn]

Yes. Yes. That's right.

[ Walt feels the familiar pull of his power starting to fade and he fights to hold on because there's one very vital piece of information he needs to get out of Jesse right now. ]

Who is your distributor? Who are you partnered up with right now?

[hostage]

The Penguin.

[kingpawn]

....the what?

[hostage]

[Is he slurring? A little, honestly. He's really sleepy.]

The Penguin.

[kingpawn]

No, I heard you...

[ But seriously? What is up with Jesse and these guys with animal names? Beaver and Badger and now a Penguin? What the actual fuck. ]

And you've managed to create a successful business with a penguin.

[hostage]

Mmm...

[So sleepy...]

[kingpawn]

[ That's probably about all he's going to get. But it's enough. How hard can it be to find a guy called the Penguin? ]

Rest, Jesse.

[ Walt increases the chemical in his bloodstream so he can drift off peacefully. ]

This will all just seem like a strange dream in the morning.

[ He gets up, pauses, and then turns to Jesse in order to tuck him into the covers. ]