maskormenacelogs | closed | remember me, write my name on a stone

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closed | remember me, write my name on a stone

WHO: Ellie and Joel
WHERE: Heropa housing
WHEN: September 26th
WHAT: Joel's birthday. If you know anything about TLOU, you know this is going to be miserable.
WARNINGS: Sadness... and spoilers!

[The morning of Joel's birthday, Ellie gets up super early, quiet as a mouse as she heads into the kitchen to work on her surprise. She'd done an excellent job of making it seem like she had no idea his birthday was coming up, which was a feat since Ellie tended to wear her thoughts and emotions on her sleeve. It's exciting, celebrating a birthday, because she's never been able to do anything like it before. Pancakes piled into a plate and loaded onto a tray with a big cup of coffee, Ellie creeps back to the bedroom--uh, she'll deal with the messy kitchen later--and carefully opens the door.

So fucking sneaky. Ellie's pretty sure she's the best ever.

She knows better than to startle Joel awake, of course, so she takes the extra time to quietly set down the tray on the nightstand. It smells pretty damn good and isn't even a little burnt. Fuck yeah, practice. After taking a moment to admire her tower of perfection, she reaches out to gently shake Joel's shoulder.]

Wakey wakey. I think it's someone's birthday today.

[Hopefully the fact that she's amazingly thoughtful makes him a little bit less pissed that she peeked at his file.]

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[ It was late, seemingly hours after Ellie had gone to bed, that Joel finally fell asleep. It wasn't that he wasn't tired - in truth, he was exhausted, having arrived home only earlier that day after hours of driving back from Pennsylvania - but long after the movie he and Ellie settled down to watch had finished, long after their empty takeout containers had been stowed in the trash and he had kept himself occupied by cleaning up the kitchen, Joel was still quietly restless.

He'd needed to keep himself occupied because… well, it doesn't matter how many years have passed, this time of year always manages to creep up on him like a nightmare that he can't shake off. He goddamn wishes it wouldn't. It's just a day like any other, he always tries to tell himself. And yet, he finds himself just-- thinking about things, remembering things, things that makes his heart ache with a silent but heavy sorrow.

Must have been close to three in the morning before Joel climbed into bed. He'd lain there in the dark, listening to Ellie's deep, steady breathing next to him, for what seemed like even more hours before exhaustion eventually won out. So exhausted was he that he didn't hear Ellie get up in the early hours of the morning, didn't hear any noise coming from the kitchen, didn't register the smell of food cooking.

When a hand touches his shoulder and gives him a small shake, Joel jerks awake from deep sleep, and he rolls onto his back just enough to peer with startled bleariness up at Ellie. ]

Huh? What? What is it, kiddo?

[ Is something wrong? is all that instinctively comes to mind. Being woken from sleep usually means something bad back in their world, usually means there's some kind of danger nearby or that it's time to get moving before danger catches up with them, and it's an instinctive habit he still hasn't quite managed to shake. And still caught up in the thick fog of heavy sleep, it hasn't quite registered yet what Ellie said, or even the stack of pancakes on the nightstand. ]

[Ellie frowns, but it's only there for a moment before she decides to be annoyingly chipper, even for her tastes.]

Happy birthday! You're now super old. On the bright side, all the more reason to have breakfast in bed. I--oh, fuck. Be right back!

[Without any further explanation, Ellie runs out of the room.]

You better be sitting up by the time I'm back in there! And close your eyes!

[ It comes descending quickly down on him then like a dark cloud, sudden and bleak: the reminder of what today is. In the next instant, he's peering up at Ellie with a frown, confused as to how the hell she would even know it's his birthday, and he shifts himself up onto his elbow to look over at the nightstand when he realises what's on it.

He barely has any time to respond to Ellie's enthusiasm with the way she goes scurrying off towards the door. Slowly, like the weight of the world has suddenly settled onto his shoulders, Joel sits up because there's no way he's going to be getting back to sleep now regardless how tired he is, not with that awful reminder of what today is now looming and loud in his head.

He drags his legs over the edge of the bed and just sits there, rumpled and despondent with bags under his eyes and his hair messy and askew. Bracing his hands on the edge of the mattress, he glances at the pancakes, then looks away, lips pressed together in a thin line.

His eyes are most definitely not closed when Ellie returns to the room, nor does he look remotely pleasantly surprised by the effort Ellie has gone through here. Just looks broody, tired, shoulders slouched as he stares down at nothing particular on the floor, like his birthday is the last thing in the world he wants to be woken up to. ]

[When Ellie slides back into the room, she's got a lighter in one hand, a single candle in the other, and a quip about not wanting to set the building on fire with the appropriate number of flames on her tongue. It abruptly fizzles out, much like the smile on her face, when she sees how Joel is sitting there. She expected annoyance, maybe, but ultimately gratitude. Fondness. That misty look he sometimes gets when she goes out of her way to do things for him. Instead, he looks... not happy at all.

She lingers at the doorway, arms dropping to her sides.

Okay, then.]

Hey. What gives, Joel?

[ Twenty years on, Joel can still remember how the morning of his last birthday with Sarah had gone. He'd gotten up early and had been in a rush to get out the door to work - there had been a contractor he'd needed to meet with that morning, a job he desperately needed because money was tight and trying to get his business of the ground was proving to be a struggle, and there'd been no time for idleness at home. No time for doing any birthday things, not even breakfast in bed, like Sarah had done for him the year before. Instead, he'd rushed her to school, told her he'd probably be home late as she gave him a kiss on the cheek, and ruffled her hair when she wished him a happy birthday. And then, he'd driven off to work, no idea whatsoever that the news he'd been listening to on the radio about bizarre outbreaks in South America would come to be a world-changing nightmare in only a matter of hours in his own town.

He still remembers how that morning played out because he'd run the day over and over in his mind after he'd lost her. Tried to process what had happened. Struck with a terrible, awful guilt while camping out with Tommy in the triage they'd been shafted to, filled with wailing and terrified families and people, that he could have, should have, somehow done something more. Could have saved her somehow. Could have done something that day to keep Sarah safe before the outbreak even had a chance to hit Texas.

If he were more awake, more coherent, he'd be mad as hell with Ellie right about now. And maybe there is an anger brewing, but at the moment he's just... still trying to wake up. And he's trying hard not to think about Sarah but that's already proving hard as hell with the fuss Ellie is making here. The exact same kind of fuss Sarah liked to make for his birthday. Jesus. As she stands in the doorway, Joel throws a look at her. ]

Don't know how the hell you found out but this really ain't necessary.

[It's not unlike Joel to somehow totally miss the meaning behind something she's done and, as usual, it's frustrating. He's not just being humble and brushing her off, he's not even being a little bit thankful, he's being an ass. That's all. Things may have been a little tense between them lately--him being an asshole to her friends and attacking one of them would do that--but here she was, surprising him when she's only heard about how birthdays should work. He doesn't even know about the gift Jesse helped her with.]

It's... your birthday. I think this is necessary. [Her annoyance is just beneath the surface of her voice. Great, now she feels dumb. Standing around with a candle doesn't help, so she strolls over to the pancakes and sticks it on top. She lights it and sits on the edge of the bed.

Birthdays can suck. Another year older, sure. She can try and sympathize; be patient.]

These are the best pancakes yet. Extra fluffy. And your coffee is nice and gross, just how you like it. Just for you.

[She gives him a little nudge.]

Edited 2014-09-24 07:03 (UTC)

[ No, it's not necessary, he immediately thinks to shoot back, sharp and brusque. And there it is, that anger. Turns out it is brewing. The annoyance he hears clipping Ellie's tone doesn't help matters.

When she ventures into the room and puts the candle onto the pancake, lights it, there's almost a glimmer of recognition despite himself of what Ellie is doing. For a second, he almost, almost, looks up at her with a relenting acknowledgement if only because of how special Ellie is to him. She's the closest thing to a daughter he'll ever have again. So much so that he practically sees her as his daughter these days. He's fought for her, kept her safe, struggled like hell to keep her alive in ways he never could with Sarah.

That glimmer dims as quickly as it appears. As she tells him about the coffee she's also made him and gives him a nudge, Sarah flashes through his thoughts again, vivid and yet like a distant ghost, and Joel just sits there, head turned away from Ellie. And then, he pushes himself up off the bed and without a word, starts for the door to go to the bathroom. ]

Edited 2014-09-24 07:27 (UTC)

Are you kidding me right now? Okay! Screw you, too. I'll eat the damn pancakes. [She's not going after him. Instead, she leans over to blow out the candle and pick up the tray and put it on the bed, drawing her legs up to sit in front of it. She's not even hungry, some of the coffee's sloshed out of the mug onto the edge of the pancakes, but whatever. Joel's in one of his moods. When is he not, right?

She mutters under her breath as she cuts into the pancakes, knife scraping against the plate.]

So fucking stupid.

[And this was supposed to be the easy birthday this weekend.]

[ Jesus. Joel ignores Ellie's sniping. He continues out into the hall to the bathroom, and shuts the door firmly behind him. He uses the toilet, washes his hands, and then braces his wet hands against the edge of the bathroom counter while staring down at the sink.

He's wide awake now, bleary-eyed though he still looks. He raises his eyes and catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. 50 years-old today. Sarah would be almost 33 now. What would she say about him? Lookin' pretty good for your age, pops, maybe. Or, Over the hill now, pops, huh? while giving him a nudge. Not that he can in any way imagine what Sarah might've looked if she'd reached 33. She's forever frozen in time in his mind, forever 12 years-old. And it doesn't matter how much it's become a little easier over the months to recall happier times with Sarah, it's always overshadowed by the memory of her blood being all over his hands as she stared up at him lifelessly. How she'd still been warm when he'd had to bury her in the ground.

Shit, he thinks with a sagging ache of sadness somewhere deep in his chest. How the hell has it been over twenty years and still feels like it happened only yesterday?

With a heavy sigh, he looks away, then pushes away from the counter, wiping his hands dry on his sweatpants as he heads for the door. He steps out into the hall, greeted by Lucy barrelling down the hall to greet him with her tail wagging happily as she jumps up at him. He gives her a cursory scratch behind the ears as he approaches the bedroom, then comes to a stop in the bedroom doorway, looking at Ellie. ]

Look, I appreciate what you're doin' here but I'm not big on birthdays, alright?

[By the time Joel has returned, Ellie's downed a quarter of the pancakes--and mostly likely in only a few bites, seeing as her cheeks are puffed out, full of pancake. Shoveling food into her mouth helps her not be as upset as she actually is. If someone had done anything for her on her birthday? She'd be over the moon. Hell, she'd probably cry. She wouldn't just get up without a word and then come back to say thanks but no thanks.]

Whatever.

[Ellie doesn't look up at him. She's too busy eating the pancakes she'd made for his birthday. Hooray.]

[ 'Whatever'. Great, she's decided she's going to be a teenager about this. If this were anything else she was being a teenager about, he could dismiss it and ignore it without much thought, the way he normally does whenever she's being a typical teenager about something.

This, though - he's going to try to dismiss it. Going to try to downplay it and push aside and hope Ellie follows suit. The less he has to think about this, the better.

He watches the way she's shovelling the pancakes into her mouth. It's like she's trying to get rid of them as fast as she can. ]

You're gonna choke if you keep eating 'em like that.

[And whose fault would that be? is what Ellie wants to say, but even when she's ticked off she knows better. She settles on something less harsh.]

Better than throwing them out.

[Stupid coffee. Stupid pancakes. Stupid birthdays. She's half considering bailing on Skye, let her handle the cake thing, but that makes her feel guilty. She owes Jesse, and she was helping Skye with his surprise--Joel's just taken the wind out of her sails. Jesse and Joel are two opposite sides of the spectrum. No way Jesse wouldn't be grateful and happy that people cared enough to surprise him.

She's not hungry, but if she ends up puking all over the place, Joel can clean it up. Happy freakin' birthday.]

[ It's better she choke on them than throw them out? Oh, for Christ's-- Joel knows what Ellie is doing. She's trying to make him feel bad. ]

Ellie.

[ Said in a warning tone, a little sharp, a little annoyed, like his patience is going to run out if she keeps this up. He does not have the energy to deal with Ellie being like this, nor is he in the mood. ]

[The utensils drop onto the plate with a clatter.]

What? Am I being rude? Am I being a dick? Gee, that sounds familiar.

[She reaches into her back pocket to pull out her phone.]

Edited 2014-09-24 09:30 (UTC)

Ellie. Just stop, alright?

[She's halfway done scrolling to Jesse, to text him to ask about returning the shit they got Joel.]

Stop what? Being insulted? Oh--okay, sure, lemme just not be after I tried doing something nice for you. Totally working. Jesus, you've never been touchy about your age before. No excuse to be a prick.

Jesus, Ellie, I don't gotta repeat myself.

[ He throws a hand out at her as much to tell her to just stop, stop right there, he doesn't want to hear any more of this. With a sigh, angry and terse, he goes to just turn away and leave the room, head down the hall to the kitchen instead, but at the last second, he faces back to Ellie. ]

How in the hell did you find out, anyways? 'Cause I sure as hell didn't tell you.

I looked at your file. [He's already upset, so might as well come right out with it.]

[ Clenching his jaw tight, Joel shifts on the spot, half-turning away from Ellie with an angry shake of his head. ]

That weren't any of your goddamn business.

[Him getting pissed just makes her more pissed.]

It's just your damn birthday! It's not like--I wasn't looking for it, I just ended up seeing it. I don't even know how old you are. But I should know this stuff.

[Maybe. Probably.]

My birthday was August ninth. Look, now we're even. You can stop being pissed for no goddamn reason now.

[ In a calmer state of mind, Joel might agree with her. Perhaps this is stuff she should know. But not like this. Not with her springing it on him like this.

And her getting pissed just makes him even more defensive.

The words come out of his mouth, angry and low, before he even gets a chance to stop himself: ]

You think I'm pissed about this for no goddamn reason?

You're not exactly doing a good job of explaining it to me!

Maybe 'cause it's something I don't wanna talk about.

Why? [If Ellie weren't so upset, it'd be obvious.]

Ellie.

[ He says her name angrily, abrupt, and then swallows hard as he glares right at her. Very nearly the same way he'd glared at her when she'd confronted him in the farmhouse all those months ago. ]

You're really starting to push it.

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