maskormenacelogs | Untamed/MDZS catch-all

Not your fault. [None of it was, from the memories being seen to what had happened within them. There was nothing to be sorry for.

But his embrace is nice and the hand soothingly petting her hair even better, so she closes her eyes and lets herself relax against him.] But...Thank you.

[Miu goes quiet for a moment and then sighs a little] There’s...a little more. What the woman called me—A Shadowborn... It’s... [It’s something she should tell him about, simply because avoiding it in the aftermath seems too much like, well, lying.]

Yomiko. ‘Child of the underworld’ or..’child of the yomi.’ It means that... my mother was a living woman, but my father was... a spirit. I was born ‘half-dead’. [Half-jokingly she adds:] People are supposed to be balanced with yin and yang energy or something, right? I’m pretty sure I’m entirely pure yin.

But... It does mean I’m something not...entirely human, I guess. I don’t know. There isn’t a lot of information on it—we’re extremely rare.

[He doesn't stop petting her, but he does pet her a little confusedly for a moment. Out of his mouth pops the nonsense:]

That is okay, I have a lot of yang energy.

[Because, look, he has had to sit through many theory classes. He even took notes. The idea of half-dead sends a spike of alarm through him, though.

He pulls away, but only to put his hands on her shoulders and to peer into her face, searching for what, he has no idea. Ghost traits? Expressions? He has not planned that far ahead. Her shoulders are warm under his hands, so it seems to him that she is less ghost than she is human.]

You look mostly alive. It is not going to make you die in some strange way, is it? [Because honestly that is what is important here.]

[That makes her laugh at least and she smiles at him even as he pulls away to examine her. There’s no outward show of her half-ghost nature at least, and she shakes her head.]

No. At least, I don’t think so. There’s not a lot of research on this sort of thing? But... It... Cut my mother’s life really short. It took a lot out of her to bring me into the world. All I know is my spiritual power is off the charts and her life was shortened.

[Which she suspects is why she left, in part. Miu sort of gets it, but it doesn’t make her like it any more.]

[Jingyi rubs his thumbs across the fabric of the robe he'd loaned her, along the bones in her shoulders, brow furrowed in concentration as he listens with an increasing desire to tuck her under his arm and take off with her, even though they are about as far as they both can get from the mountain that has caused all of her problems.]

Her life, not yours. And if you have that much spiritual power, and Hanguang-Jun is teaching you, then you are likely to live a very long time.

[Golden cores would do that. Oh, but...]

Ah. You know, you probably have already found the thing that would make you die in a strange way.

[She’s not sure who he has more faith in here with that—Lang Wangji, or herself. The corner of her mouth twitches into a slight smile, but it quickly turns into a frown of confusion.]

What? I have?

[He blinks at her. When he speaks, he sounds very serious.]

I do not know what else you would call being trapped into a mountain full of demon water and almost dissolved? Do you really want to find something more than that? That is a very strange way for being half-ghost to kill you.

Oh yeah, that. [She sort of laughs a little, shaking her head.]

Well... Hopefully Yuri can break the curse. I won’t have to worry about the creepy demon water anymore.

[Miu shakes her head again and then leans into him once more, taking a breath.]

...Even if I don’t like that someone saw those memories... I’m glad it was you, at least. You’re... I like you, at least...

Your friend will. [He gives her a decisive nod. He has declared it to be so.] You should never have to worry about creepy demon water.

[He pats her hair again and tucks his chin against her. He will keep her like this as long as she wants to be kept like this.]

Good, I like you too. I do not know what I would think about sharing memories if--

[He cuts himself off, blinks, and what she said several minutes ago finally sinks in. He does not push her away, but he does ask:]

What do you mean that you are used to seeing other people's memories?

[She can feel it before he even says it, knows that her attempt to distract him from all of that hasn’t happened. It feels like she almost got off scot-free and then...

Miu winces a little, fingers curling into his robes.]

...That’s how I exorcise spirits. When I touch them, I...basically I relive their deaths. I experience everything they did—everything they thought, saw...Felt. I take the pain of their death from them, all their sins and secrets and stuff like that, and it lets the soul move on.

[Miu pauses, hesitates, and then adds reluctantly.] I can do the same thing to the living sometimes too. If I want to.

[The little details she has been telling him combine and he is offended on her behalf.]

Then it is very good we are definitely teaching you a better way to get rid of the dead. That is a terrible way to do it and probably makes you miserable.

[He pets her hair slightly more aggressively for a second. After that, though, his curiosity kicks in and the questions come thick and fast as he thinks of them almost before he finishes the one before.]

But how often do you want to see memories? That sounds dangerous. What if you find out something you did not want to? Can you pick memories? Do you read minds? Or is it only memories? [A startled pause.] Have you read my mind?

[She makes a small noise of half-hearted protest—hey, you’re messing up her hair, Jingyi!—but then the barrage of questions comes and she goes tense. They’re not questions she wasn’t expecting, but she’s a bit grumpy about having to answer them regardless]

I don’t ever want to see them. I find out all sorts of things I never wanted to know, especially how people feel about me. I’ve learned to just tune it all out. And no, I don’t pick memories—this ability... It goes to whatever the most traumatic memory is. Whatever hurts the most, I see.

And no, I haven’t read your mind. I have some control over it. If I saw any of your memories, you’d know. But...Yeah, it... can read minds too. Peoples’ thoughts and feelings... It’s so exhausting... Like I said, i just tune it out...

[Jingyi feels her tense and is puzzled by it, but she is answering his questions, so he focuses on that instead.]

Whatever hurts them most or whatever hurts you most?

[Ah, he is upset about it either way.]

Is this thing something that happens always? You cannot make it stop? Right now, you know what I am thinking? Or you could if you were not ignoring it? How does it work?

[He is not thinking in words at the moment, only emotions, and those are mostly prickly distress and unhappy concern.]

Whatever hurts them the most. The ability is supposed to be a healing one—taking the pain of their trauma and transferring it to someone else.

[Jingyi has so many questions, Miu isn’t sure if she’s impressed or annoyed.]

If I wasn’t ignoring it, or if your emotions get too intense, then yeah I could read your mind or whatever. It’s been like this since I was— ...Young. Really young. Around 3, I think? I don’t know, I just...learned to live with it. I didn’t really put a lot into the ‘how’ or ‘why’ after a while. I was the only one I knew who could do it and no one could—or would—help me or believe me, so I just dealt with it myself.

[She leans back to look at him, slightly exasperated.]

Do you want me to? I barely need to to get what you’re feeling. Concerned. A little distressed. Unhappy. Sound about right?

[He does not know how he feels about all of this. Well. Concerned and distressed, apparently. But beyond that. He agrees with her assessment with a small nod of his head and a frown.]

That is right.

[Jingyi's true power is thinking zero percent about anything before he asks every single question that pops into his mind. Now that he has asked, however, he is forced to slow down a little and actually make sense of her answers. The sense he gets out of it, though, is that she has been seeing inside of people's heads since she was very small. Just like fighting ghosts. And everything else. With no support. Residual anger sweeps over him, an echo of his original fury. It does not burn as high, as he is no longer surprised, but it burns equally as hot.

He breaths out a heavy breath and considers her expression.]

It happens when you touch someone? So you will always just know if you are paying attention?

[He is not pulling away, though, even as he asks for confirmation.]

[He watches her and she, in turn, watches him, wary and uncertain. Sure his thoughts don’t hint at disgust or anger towards her, and she feels her heart weakening at the idea of it being on her behalf instead.

She nods]

I can usually handle it, though. Sometimes it’s just...a lot. I don’t really like crowds too much because of it. But my job back home meant dealing with a lot of crowds and people all the time. [She closes her eyes briefly, weary, and sighs.] I got used to it, but I don’t like dealing with it if I don’t have to, you know?

But I... learned pretty early on that people don’t really... Care. People lie. They always lie. And they’re greedy. It’s so... [She trails of and shakes her head.] I was always really aware of what anyone ever wanted from me. It was never ‘me’ just... What I could do for them. What they could get from me.

[Jingyi does not quite understand why Miu seems to be watching him warily, so he scrunches his face up, wrinkling his nose at her in response.]

They sound like terrible people.

[He is a Lan, after all. With a sect motto of "be righteous," and breathing in that particular atmosphere since was born...well. If other sects are clearly inferior, then these random mediocre people from Miu's world do not even count.]

Did no one teach them it is not good to lie? Or be greedy? It is good that you are around the GusuLan, because that kind of thing cannot happen.

[He might personally be awful at following all the rules all the time, but that is him, and he is honest about that instead. His faith in everyone else is absolutely blinding.]

They sound like normal people. [She corrects him dryly, looking faintly exasperated once more.

But as he keeps talking her expression grows—cold, really, watching him like she can’t quite figure out if he’s serious or not.]

Jingyi, don’t be naive. Even if you or Hanguang-jin and Zewu-jin and Sizhui try not to be like that, you can’t speak for every single person in your sect. Rules are one things, but people can’t control their own base natures—and at the heart of it all, all people are selfish. Everyone can be cruel and greedy. That’s just how people are. No one does anything for anyone without expecting something in return, almost no one is nice just because.

You’ve spent enough time here to have to realize that. People will be perfectly nice to you, even help you out, give you the clothes off their back—as long as you’re exactly how they want you to be.

How is your sect any different? If you break those rules, don’t you get punished? If you break enough of them, won’t you get thrown out? As long as you act how they want you to, you’re fine.

[At her words, Jingyi jerks back, stung by both her tone and the content. He puts space between them voluntarily for the first time during their conversation, but even doing so he does not want to take his hands away.

He stretches out to put her at arms length, sliding hands down her arms to her elbows. He cannot be close for this, needs the perspective on her because she looks...mad(?) unhappy(?), but he does not want to break away entirely.

If she can read his mind with touch, then she needs to know that he is sincere.]

You cannot mean that? That people are selfish like that?

[His distress and her questions leave him grumpy and feeling wronged, somehow, and it is not a feeling he likes. Especially because he is not stupid; he might still be a junior disciple but he has fought too many corpses that have had awful things done to them for little reason. He has seen a thin, angry line of blood on his friend's throat, seen the murdered and the blinded and the dismembered. So when he speaks, he sounds exactly as stung as he feels.]

And even if some people are, or even every person, is there not something to be said about wanting to be different? You do not even need to have rules for that, or I would have been kicked out a long time ago. I almost never do what anyone wants.

[Squeezing her elbows (gently) because that is all he is touching, he is unhappily confused and doesn't back down from showing it.]

But you do not understand. [He needs her to understand. (He wants to understand her.)] They are family. All of them. Why do you think I was happy to hear that you were already a disciple when I arrived?

[Her brow furrows a little at the question—of course all people are selfish. She even includes herself in that because truly she thinks herself no better— in fact, she really thinks herself worse.

Her gaze lowers, uncertain, and she slowly shakes her head.] ...Actions are what matters. You can say you want to be different all you want, lying is the easiest thing in the world. But actually showing it is something else entirely.

[She doesn’t know what to do with her hands or her arms when he’s holding her like that, but she doesn’t try to shake free or anything. It’s true, though, that Jingyi is very different from the examples of the Lan clan she’s had so far. He’s different from just about anyone she’s ever met, and maybe that’s why she—

Maybe that’s why she keeps clawing at him like this. An animal too long abused to find it easy to accept affection. Giving it was one thing, when it was on her own terms. But receiving it herself? She didn’t know what to do with it and so she tried to destroy it. Self-sabotage, trying to throw out every barb to drive away the threat until she exhausts herself of options and has to accept.

His question makes her feel ashamed all over again, knowing exactly what she’d been thinking about his enthusiasm, and she looks away to the side, the ground suddenly very interesting.]

...Jingyi... Where I’m from, I... You’ve seen the models, right? The women on tv or billboards and advertisements and magazines. Wearing all sorts of different clothes so you see how they look? That’s what I used to do back home, only... Only, um...

Well. I didn’t wear that much. My job was to not wear a lot and let my pictures get taken, and I was in all sorts of magazines and photo books, mostly for men. Not all of the pictures were like that, but most were. [SHe’s being vague but she hopes Jingyi sort of gets her meaning here. And there is, in fact, a reason she’s bringing this up though, because:]

So I assumed that, like every other guy I ever met, you were happy because I was a pretty girl, and... you wanted to sleep with me. [Her voice is hollow, cold, and she flinches at her own tone as she glances guiltily at him.] That’s the only thing most people ever wanted from me. So I just... I didn’t really know any better then. I do now, but... I don’t know. I still don’t...Understand, I think.

[Jingyi can only stare at her for a long, long moment, because her words have given him too many things he might say at the same time, so that none of them come out except one extremely confused and vaguely belligerent:] Who said that actions do not matter?

[This is, however, the only thing that makes it free. He is too busy trying to figure out if she is saying what he thinks she is saying. He has indeed seen these pictures she speaks of, and has considered them briefly before dismissing them as shameless. It is a part of this world that he has mostly ignored so that he did not have to think on it. For her to say that she has posed for images wearing even less clothing--maybe he is affected by the fact that she is Miu and not a nameless person, because it only makes him want to bundle her in a robe and and maybe bite a few people with cameras.

He releases her to smooth down the sleeves of the outer robe he put on her for the cold and reassure himself that she is still wearing it. His imagination does not have to stretch far to put together 'not wearing much' with 'pictures for men' and come up with the sum of what she is implying, at least vaguely.

And if that is her experience, then he is all the more alarmed by her thoughts on what he was thinking when they met. Miu is very pretty, and he cannot tell her would not sleep with her because that would be a lie and she would know immediately and probably hate him after she has told him all of these things about herself. It was just that he had not faced the idea of...her before this? It was too bright, too like the sun. But had he been thinking about sex when they met? Did she read it out of his mind? She had pulled off his headband. He could have been thinking anything.

Oh no.

She had pulled off his headband.

He turns a little red. His jaw works for a moment and he stares at her a little longer with all sorts of questions that he will have to ask jockeying to leave his mouth. In the end, though, he lets out his breath in a huff and, a little baffled and a little helpless, finally says the most important thing that needs to be said:]

I was happy because my family had already chosen you. And I trust them.

Jingyi... [His name cracks on her voice, an overwhelmingly crushing sensation clenching around her heart. He’s so stupid, she thinks. He’s stupid and kind and too naive for this world that took kind people and hardened them through trials by fire. Normally, once upon a time, she would’ve found something like delight at watching that light be sniffed out by the cruel realities of the world.

It happened all the time in her line of work, after all. Many people didn’t know how much work could actually go into a model photoshoot or in an acting role, only to find it was far more than they could handle. One more girl or boy dropping out was one less rival for Miu to deal with.

But she finds she doesn’t want that for Jingyi.

She looks up at him, expression soft and a little helpless, feeling the burn of unshed tears in her eyes. Stupid. It’s all so stupid.]

...I don’t want you to change. I want you to stay like this forever. [There’s a short, bubbling up of helpless laughter and she shakes her head, stepping closer] You’re so... Jingyi, you’re just good. You’re a good guy. I don’t know who’s right or wrong about people or their natures or whatever. I still think you’re being really naive. [Ouch thanks Miu. She reaches up to cup his face in both her hands though, standing on tiptoe somewhat to be closer to him]

But... but I like your version. I want your version of the world. So don’t change, okay? Maybe that can make the difference.

[The raw emotion in Miu's voice sends little zings of panic down his spine. She is telling him that he is naive and declaring that he should stay that way? A moment ago she was telling him that she thought his first thoughts were how he wanted to sleep with her, and now...he's good?

He just wanted her to know the same truths that he knew, so he is not sure how she got from that to this, not while he is still knotted up inside from trying to understand what she was telling him about what she used to do. Luckily he has never been afraid to ask. The almost-tears are his undoing, though, because he caused them, and each of his questions comes a little faster and a little more alarmed.]

Ahh? Are you okay?? Why do you sound like you want to cry?? What did I say???

[He folds his hands over the ones she has on his cheeks, unwilling to trespass after she has just told him that every other guy she had met wanted. Which she would know. Because she can read their thoughts. (He is not panicking more.) He does not want to make things worse, not when she is laughing like that. He keeps his eyes on hers, not understanding her expression, and wants nothing more than to undo whatever he has done to make her unhappy.

Lower, quieter, because she is much closer now, he asks as he curls his fingers around her hands:]

Do you want me to touch you or not touch you?

[She laughs again, watery but true.] Mm. It's not a bad type of crying. I'm overwhelmed. I'm happy. I want...I want to be wrong. I want you to prove me wrong about people.

[The question makes her pause and she looks at him quietly, rubbing her thumb against the line of his cheekbones, studying his face. When she speaks, her voice is lower too, softer to match his in the more intimate moment they've created.]

...I want you to keep touching me. It's okay. I promise...I won't use my ability against you if I can help it. I won't read your mind.

Do you trust me?

Edited 2020-03-31 02:05 (UTC)

Yes.

[If he trusts Miu is not a hard question, and he does not really think about answering it, because there really is only one correct answer.]

I do not mind if you do read my mind, though, since that is a thing that it sounds like you always do and I never noticed. I think it would be very hard to entirely stop and you already said that I am very loud. If I am very loud and you heard anyway, would you be very angry with yourself?

[After he asks this, though, he studies her back, trying to see if her question of trust holds any kind of double meaning. She has spent the last however-many minutes declaring that lying is easy and people are inherently cruel. Was it supposed to have been a test? Though maybe it does not matter. He is not asking her to trust him. He trusts him.

However, he is very distracted by the way she is rubbing his face, and his soul might leave his body if she keeps doing it. He tries to cover her fingers so they stop moving while he is still able to think.]

And do not worry. You are wrong, so that will probably help me prove it.

[She nods, some of the tension leaving her. He says he trusts her and even after everything she said, she... She wants to believe that. She wants to believe that he’s telling the truth. Everyone lies, sure, but maybe not always. She tries to be truthful most of the time too, after all, and if he says he trusts her she’ll try to make sure there’s n reason for him to want to take it back.]

Not if it’s an accident. But I mean, I won’t purposefully go digging around in your head. I won’t invade your privacy like that.

[He stops her from moving her fingers so much and she smiles, not having to be a mind reader to know he doesn’t know what to do about her attention.

And then she laughs, the noise startled out of her by how matter-of-fact and frank he is about it. Miu can’t even be mad. Instead she laughs again and pulls him down, standing up on tiptoe to press her mouth to his.

It’s a brief, chaste kiss, but a kiss all the same as she pulls away at length.] Okay. Then do your best. I’ll be waiting.

Untamed/MDZS catch-all

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