maskormenacelogs | I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me

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† isaac clarke | n/a

I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me

WHO; Ellie Langford and Isaac Clarke
WHERE; Their apartment
WHEN; A few hours after this thread
WHAT; That sharing thing has been long overdue for some time now.
WARNINGS; Probably some profanity and trigger warnings for discussions of death and suicide

As Isaac made his way home after a longer than usual day at the shop down at the docks, he mulled over all the things he'd never told Ellie. There were several, too many, and he found himself wondering on his commute how much she would end up hating him for it. Maybe she wouldn't, maybe she would understand all the lies of omission, all the avoidance, had been the running of a man scared to face the future and what it might hold. She'd seemed to have understood that, at least in the heat of the moment back on Tau Volantis, but this place was different. It allowed for a lot more thought, and nothing was pressing you for time.

Would she still understand? Did he even deserve her understanding? There was a deep, self-depreciating part of himself that told him he didn't, but he tried to shove that particular opinion to the back of his mind as he climbed the steps to their apartment. It had been a long day, and his body ached, but he wasn't tired. There was even a part of him that wanted to talk about everything he'd avoided for so long.

He peeled off his dirty work shirt once he'd come inside and tossed it into the hamper in the bathroom before looking for Ellie. When he found her, grease and grime and all, he wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Miss me?"

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As much as Ellie loved her job she did have to admit it was pretty damn exhausting. It was nice to have a day off, even if her days off did tend to lead to too much thinking on her part. Sometimes things had to be thought about though and sometimes they had to be talked about. This was one of those times. They'd never really talked about Nicole. She'd tried, but he'd always shut down every attempt she'd made. Eventually she'd just given up bringing that topic up. She'd kept at some of the others, at least for a while, but he'd shut her out with those too. He hadn't wanted to talk about anything in the past and eventually that'd been why she'd left.

They'd come a long way here though. They'd had conversations about why she'd left, about the Ishimura, and they'd even talked about what had happened on Titan Station. There were still things they hadn't gotten to, but it was progress and she'd been grateful for that. Nicole was a topic that could wait, partially because it wasn't a topic she was sure she wanted to get too deep into herself. There was no waiting anymore though and in a way she was actually glad that he'd decided that. He wanted to talk about something and that was a big deal. She wasn't going to turn that away just because she wasn't sure now.

When he came in she'd just been getting herself some tea and she smiled when he put his arms around her. "Definitely. It was the worst," she looked over a clock just to add to the dramatics, "more than ten hours I've had."

He chuckled at her response. Her dry wit was something he loved about her, if there was the need of a list at least, and hearing it without something (or a lot of evil somethings) interrupting it. Initially, Isaac had been a little annoyed that she was off today of all days, and that he wasn't, but he'd make the most of it.

He swallowed, though. Talking about Nicole was still hard, but that's what he'd come home with the intent to do, and that's exactly what would happen. He' put it off for too long, along with so many other things, and it had forced Ellie out the door. There was no reason to encourage her leaving again.

His smile waned along with their conversation, but it was out of worry, not out of a desire to avoid the topic.

"Yeah, sorry I'm late. It wasn't too bad was it?"

Edited 2014-09-11 03:02 (UTC)

"Terrible. You have no idea. It's a miracle I survived it," she replied in almost complete seriousness. She wasn't serious of course, but there was no harm in teasing, right? Especially considering the subject they were getting ready to plunge into. Besides, she wasn't completely prepared to just jump into it yet. She was leaving it to him to bring it up if he still wanted to talk about it.

It was still hovering there, at the back of his mind, what they'd agreed to talk about when he got home. He wanted to just forget it, to shove it under the carpet like he had so many times before, but that was a terrible plan. That was one of the things that had ruined everything in the first place.

He let the silence stretch on for a moment before he let go of her and found a seat. "So. We should talk."

It might have said a lot about just how bad their relationship had gotten back home that she was actually surprised he'd brought it back up so quickly. He really had realized his mistake back on that icy dead planet. He'd realized all his mistakes and so had she. She followed him to take a seat and hesitated briefly before she nodded.

"Yeah. I guess so."

Now that that was out in the open, he didn't even know where to start. How did you just tell someone you'd built a life with after some truly devastating thing had happened about a life you'd had before? He'd been a different person, then. He was fairly certain he wouldn't even recognize himself if he were to look back at old photographs, let alone all the changes he'd gone through in personality. He was pretty sure Ellie probably wouldn't even like the guy he used to be, so where did he even start?

"So, uh...what do you want to know?"

She didn't answer him right away. In fact it was a few seconds before she thought of what she wanted to ask first. Or if she really wanted to ask anything at all. There'd been hints here and there, things she'd picked up on, and none of it was good. A lot of it involved things that definitely put him more on the 'crazy marker guy' scale of things. Which happened to be a side of his life that she adamantly denied. Finally she decided on starting at the very beginning.

"You've never really said just how serious you two were."

Edited 2014-09-12 07:17 (UTC)

He hadn't, she was right about that. That life, before everything went to Hell and the Markers rose? He tried his damnedest to avoid thinking about it. The Markers had effected him just as much as they had anyone else, but he'd been able to keep his head. Something about him made him special. He could be used as a sort of storage facility for the blueprints for more, he could read the Marker scrawl...and write it even if he didn't want to. It sort of took control of him, but it hadn't made him a slathering madman like it had some. He'd been terrified of what that might mean to the point that he'd pretended it wasn't real, that none of the information being funneled into his brain was the truth.

It hadn't worked in the end, but he'd tried more than most would have thought possible. And it had all started with getting Nicole on that ship. In essence, everything that had transpired had been his fault. Without the blueprints from his mind, they never would have been able to massively produce the Markers. They wouldn't have been there if he'd never made contact with the Marker in the first place. He wouldn't have made contact if he hadn't gone after Nichole. He wouldn't have had to go after Nicole if he hadn't gotten her that assignment.

He ran a hand back over his hair and off-handedly noted exactly how much he needed a haircut.

"We were engaged, actually. After, uh, her assignment on the Isumura, things were going to change. At least that was what we'd planned."

They'd been engaged. Of course they had. She was pretty sure she'd known that, or at least had an idea about just how serious their relationship had been. After all she'd heard about the lengths Isaac had gone to in order to find her she couldn't have imagined it not having been a pretty intense relationship. Nicole had been important to him, she'd never doubted that. Still, there was something just a bit uncomfortable about actually talking about how important she'd been. Maybe it was the way she could feel him and how he felt about talking about it. Or maybe it was something more to do with her.

"Is that why you were so focused on trying to find her despite..." she trailed off for a second. Despite the fact that he'd known she was dead. "Despite what you knew?"

"I couldn't...know that. I just..." He trailed off for a moment. "I think...that's when it started...breaking, I mean. I saw it, I knew what was in the...the transmission, but I couldn't believe it. It was trick, at least that's what I'd convinced myself of. I got her into that mess and I had to save her. That's all I knew." He realized how crazy he sounded, and he didn't understand how Ellie could deny it so readily.

No matter what other people said about him, Ellie had always been very adamant about the idea that Isaac wasn't crazy. She'd denied it to the point that it'd caused friction in her relationship with Robert. Hearing all of that though, it did make it a bit difficult for her to deny it so forcefully. She almost asked how he could deny it like that, but he'd given at least part of that answer. He'd felt responsible and he had to save her.

"That's so you." She sounded just a bit frustrated with it all. "There's no middle ground with you, is there? You're either all in and everything is your responsibility or you're not in at all."

"Yeah, I...guess that's pretty accurate." He'd never really quantified it before, but it sounded like she was right on the money with it. Did she hate him for it? He always wondered how Ellie would react when she had to face the fact that maybe he needed to be in that mental ward. Would she question their relationship? Her decisions? He was suddenly worried about a lot of things.

She ran her fingers through her hair and shook her head. At least there was some small comfort to be taken in the fact that he'd always felt responsible for things well out of his control. "Do you still blame yourself for what happened to her?"

He shook his head at the question. At least he could finally say that with confidence. "No. Not anymore. I had to...face that at Titan Station."

"After you sent me off?" There was just the slightest hint of bitterness in her voice there. No matter how much she tried to she just couldn't get completely over how much that had hurt. Or just how much it'd managed to piss her off.

He breathed a sigh he didn't realize he'd been holding in. "Ellie...sending you off was part of it. I...I couldn't save Nicole. I had to at least save you. I knew what I had to do, the station had to be destroyed. I wasn't going to let you go down with it."

"I know. I understand." That didn't mean there wasn't still some lingering anger there, but they'd talked about it and she did understand. She also hoped that at this point he understood why she'd been so mad. She looked down for a second and then looked back over at him. "I make my own choices though and I wasn't going to leave you there to die like a bloody idiot." Like the bloody idiot he was. She hesitated again before asking the question that had really been on her mind.

"Were you seeing her there?" She knew what the Marker did and he'd mentioned a lot of things that made the answer obvious. It was a question she wanted him to confirm the answer to though.

He'd been waiting for that question, but even though he'd anticipated it the whole time, he still hadn't been prepared for it. He didn't respond immediately, but instead just looked down before slowly nodding.

"Yeah. Yeah, I was."

One thing Ellie had found herself wondering lately was why it'd never done anything to her. It seemed like everyone else had fallen to it eventually and yet she'd stayed fine. She'd never even gotten the start of it like other people had. Which wasn't a bad thing, and she definitely wasn't complaining, but it definitely made her wonder.

"What was it like?" Did she really want to know? No. Not really, but it had to be asked. She realized that.

"What was...what like, the Marker? What it did?" How did he even start describing it? It wasn't anything that felt strange, really. "You...see things, first, just flashes, things you can convince yourself didn't happen, or a monitor will turn on, or your vid screen and you'll have an entire, perfectly normal conversation only it didn't really happen. It's...it really gets into your head. Makes you believe things one way when they're completely different."

She nodded at that. Those were things she knew already, not from personal experience, but from what she'd seen happening to people around her. She swallowed for a second and then looked down before asking another question. "What was it like when you saw her?"

He swallowed, looking down. "it...varied. Sometimes she was supportive. She...said things like 'it'll all be over soon, Isaac,' but when I was defiant instead of going along with her...she...it screamed at me, it...attacked me, except it was never really touching me, or...threatening to shove anything in my face. That...that was me. It tried to make me do it to myself."

Ellie didn't look up at him. In fact she didn't even look over, she just looked down at anything at all that wasn't him. It was hard to not think that sounded crazy, but she also knew it hadn't been his fault. Which was why she didn't want him to see any expression on her face that he could interpret as her thinking he was crazy. Even she couldn't deny that his explanation sounded crazy, but that was part of what the Marker did, wasn't it? It drove people to that point.

"I can't imagine how awful that must have been for you, Isaac." She reached out and cautiously put a hand on his. "When did you realize she wasn't real?" Or had he always known? This was another question she wasn't quite certain she wanted an answer to.

He looked down at her hand with a vague sort of distant expressionless look. He'd known she wasn't real, couldn't be real, for a long time. The problem was, when did he realize and when did he accept it were two very different instances. What would she think of him if she knew that? He didn't even want to think about it.

"...it was a long time before I accepted it."

"Oh." Oh. Had she really just responded to him with oh? It was such a lame and weak response. No, even worse than that, it was the response that everyone knew people gave when they didn't know what else to say. Which was accurate right now. She didn't know what else to say.

"You'd accepted it while we were moving through the Sprawl though, right?" He'd still been seeing her, but he'd kept it together for the most part, hadn't he? She could remember what had happened when he'd had to board the ship, but that'd been understandable. Hell, she'd broken down having to go back to where it'd all started for her. She could definitely understand him breaking some there. He'd seemed fine otherwise though. Or as mostly fine as anyone could be. He had to have accepted it by then, right?

"I think..." he trailed off as he thought back over it. He'd made an agreement, a promise to talk about all of this, but thinking about on all of it was still hard. He didn't want to remember, to think about what he'd done, what he'd let the Marker convince him to do, what he'd done to all those people. It scared him, what he'd been capable of, what he was still capable of. "I think...a part of me had, but I just...I don't know, Ellie. It made a lot of promises, that...that it would be over, if I just went a little farther, that everything would be fine. I wanted to believe it so damned badly that I just...I went along with it. It told me how to get to the Marker, how to open the shield and let it all in. I...sent you away because I knew the only way to destroy the thing was the destroy the station and I didn't want you to go down with me. I knew I needed to stop it, but there was a part of me that wanted to believe what the Marker was saying."

She squeezed his hand gently and tried to meet his eyes as he spoke, just so that she could get some better idea of what he was feeling or actually thinking. "You mean what she was saying?" There wasn't any malice or judgement in her voice, in fact she was trying to keep it as questioning and calm as she could. She hesitated for just a second before asking a follow up question. "When did you stop seeing her?"

He swallowed. It was hard to think about, it hurt, like some dead part of himself still trying to cling selfishly to the part of him still living.

"The last time I saw her was right before you busted through the roof."

She let out a tiny sigh and nodded. At least there was that. She wasn't sure what she would have done if he'd said he'd seen her after that and just never said anything. There were enough things they'd both never said to each other, they didn't need to add to the list.

"I guess it's probably good you didn't tell me details while we were trying to get out of there. I mean I'd already shot at you once, right?" She tried to give him a small smile, but it came out weak and halfhearted. Honestly, if she thought about it, she could see why he'd keep it to herself. They'd barely known each other and she'd definitely been hostile at first.

"We needed to get out of there. We could worry about the rest later." He looked over to her and returned her half-hearted smile with one of his own. "I didn't even think it was real, you saving me, you know. And then you were real, and...you were like an angel."

She laughs. It's an awkward and halfhearted laugh, but it's a laugh nonetheless. He'd thought she was like an angel. The idea of it seemed absurd to her, she hadn't been an angel, she'd just been a really pissed off woman who'd lost everything.

"I didn't even think about it really," she smiled some. "Maybe I was too pissed off with you to think." All she'd focused on was regaining the controls and then making her own choice about whether she wanted to leave him behind or not. She was actually pretty sure that part of her reason for going back to get him was that she wasn't going to stand for his self-sacrificing bullshit. She made her own choices.

He laughed outright at that. "That wouldn't surprise me." If he'd learned anything about Ellie, it was thoughts weren't her forte when she was angry. She just reacted, and damned the consequences.

"You were lucky my temper took over." She gave him a lopsided smile and then squeezed his hand. "Thank you for telling me. I know it wasn't easy for you." And really it hadn't been easy for her to hear, but it was better this way and it was a huge improvement in communication for them.

"You...shouldn't have to thank me for that." He looked down again, this time in shame. "I'm sorry, Ellie."

She hesitated for a few seconds before looking over at him and frowning. "What are you sorry for?"

"For...everything. For not talking, for pushing you away along with everything else."

A hint of frustration seeped into the sigh she let out. "We've done this before." The apologies and the way they circled around each other with them. They'd had enough conversations about it for her to know he meant it and they'd come a long way with talking to each other. "You don't need to apologize anymore, Isaac."

He nodded, knowing she was right. "Okay. I'm sorry." And he winced as soon as it came out of his mouth. "You...know what I mean." I'm sorry for apologizing too much?

"Are you apologizing for saying sorry too much?" She tried not to let out a little chuckle, but it escaped her lips anyway. Which she felt a bit bad for considering how he'd winced.

"I...might have been, yeah." He smiled sheepishly and looked away.

She pushed his shoulder playfully and shook her head. "Dork."

"Yeah, okay. Maybe." He chuckled. "But at least I'm a loveable dork?"

"Maybe." She smirked. "You're lucky I evidently have a thing for dorks."

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I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me

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