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WHO: Poe and 622
WHERE: An Hotel Somewhere
WHEN: Vague October time
WHAT: Boyfriends checking in on each other
WARNINGS: possible discussion of PTSD, maybe spicy boyfriend stuff??

They'd been going to a counselor. A psych. He wasn't supposed to think of them like that, but that was what they were. A local one, who would see two people at a time.

They'd both made it clear that they wanted actionable stuff. Techniques they could use to deal with the sorts of malfunctions their brains had stuck them with, information that would help combat it, goals to set, that sort of thing.

The counselor was the one who'd suggested they meet on neutral ground more often. Neither of them were truly happy about having to do that, but it would help, if he were to be honest about it. He knew Poe was distant with Commander Akobi at best, and being around the Rebels was a risk for him that would always keep him on edge in Base One.

So instead, they booked a hotel room. It wasn't familiar, but you could bolt and chain the door, it was high enough off the street that only Poe could come and go via the window, and it would just be them.

That would be nice.

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It wasn't ideal. If anything, it made him feel a little scummy, almost, like he had to sneak around to see 622. But there was nothing for it. He'd never managed to actually able to relax at 622's place, and he wasn't about to force 622 to come to his. Not when most of his roommates were Rebels. So, the hotel.

He hummed lowly as he closed the door behind him, latching it and kicking off his shoes before padding his way into the room. The carpet he left by the door. (Coming in via the lobby seemed prudent, at the time. )

"Hey," he murmured when he saw 622 - already here, precisely on time as usual. He walked up and pressed a familiar kiss to the man's cheek in greeting, but it was clear that Poe himself was exhausted. "How're you holding up?"

The door clicking open had been nervewracking, but it was just Poe. He knew it was. Everything was fine.

"All parts still present and correct," he replied, returning the kiss. "I'm glad to see you. Even if you do look dead on your feet. Do you want to lie down?"

"Now I'm really curious as to what's in the list of 'all parts,'" Poe said wryly, before glancing at the offered bed and giving a bit of a wistful sigh.

"I feel like if I let myself lay down, I'd pass out for three days. I'd rather spend time with you." Which is why he's going to step past him and head for the minibar. Not for booze - he pulls out the coffee maker, instead.

"It looks like I'm going to be on deployment pretty much constantly. You going to be doing field work too?"

He nods. "I'm back on regular assignments." He hadn't told them he was seeing a psych, obviously.

"It's a shame Commander Taylor's gone again, but Archie and the rest have enough practice with this now. I think they'll handle it well." The commander had ported out enough times already that this honestly just felt... almost routine. Not good timing, but routine. Something that was factored into their work, and that was it.

Poe let out a breath.

"... Yeah. I heard about Jacob." He hadn't been super close with the man, but he respected him. But even for Poe, it was starting to feel like a fact of life. It was only when it was someone close to him that it really got to him. Did that make him an asshole...?

"It seemed to me like he set up a good structure for it. I'm sure they'll pull through. Just wish that maybe there could be less going on, in the meantime." He pulled out the filters and the bag of coffee grounds and set to work. "You want some?"

A shrug was his immediate response. "It's happened before. Guess the Porter can't make up its mind about him."

He shook his head. "No stims for me unless I'm going on duty. Trying to make sure I get more regular sleep."

"He's been here for ages. I'm sure he'll be back." He even sounded sure, though he wasn't. Riptide had been here a long time, too, and there was no sign of him either. Poe really didn't need the reminder that just because he'd been here for years now didn't mean he wouldn't be forced to abandon his friends at any moment.

"Man, that's probably a good idea," Poe mused, though it.... did nothing to stop him from making coffee for himself. Wise actions were a beautiful concept in theory...

"Has your sleep been any better?" He wasn't there, so he didn't have a first-hand experience to track how often 622 got up.

"If he's gone, he's done good work. Aegis can endure without him." And he was glad for that. Aegis had become something important in his life, solid enough that he could rely on it. That was important.

"I think so. I've been trying those techniques for switching off before lights out." It was a lot like running through affirmations of loyalty, though he wasn't about to tell Poe that. It had made him suspicious of the technique, to tell the truth. That he might be walking into somebody else's indoctrination techniques. But perhaps the fundamentals were the same, regardless of whether you were running an Empire or trying to stabilize a mind.

"Yeah. It will." So much on Earth seemed completely unstable, but Aegis was built of good people. Even if most of them disappeared all at once, the rest would endure.

"Yeah? Good, I'm glad they're working." They hadn't been, for him, for two reasons: one, he tended to forget about them in the first place, and two, he tended to get very distracted. But as far as he was concerned, 622's health was more important anyway. He'd pass out when he passed out.

He got everything into place and then clicked the button to start the coffee maker, letting it whirr away.

"I'm just glad that you're feeling a little better," he said, relieved. "Or you seem to be, at least."

"It's nice, simple stuff. Easy to go through." Even he could figure them out.

"I am. It's good to remind yourself nothing's quite so bad as you worried it was." The state of his own brain was one of those things, obviously.

Poe was not smart enough to pick up on the implication. He was thinking of all those times that 622 woke in the middle of the night to patrol against shadows. That he was having an easier time dismissing those shadows was a good thing.

"I find it easier to just do my flight checks when I'm trying to put myself to sleep," He admitted. "Close my eyes and pretend I'm in an X-wing. But sometimes my mind just races too much to do even that."

He let out a sigh. "Sure wish I could say that nothing's quite as bad as I was worried about."

"Would running through a check you can actually do help? Something as you start winding down." His nighttime sweeps were kind of a corruption of that, maybe. A routine he'd do to calm himself down from a state he shouldn't have been in.

"Things are still bad. Just... Nobody was breaking into my apartment at night, but I was focused on it anyway. That was something I thought I could deal with, if I found someone."

"Maybe. Right now, it's not a big deal. I'm so exhausted when I finally get to rest that I just collapse and then I'm out." Not entirely true, but. Close enough as to make no difference.

"Well, sorry to say it, but I'm glad that one wasn't proved true. I don't think it would have made things any better, if one day you did find someone. I just figured... eventually, after enough rotations, you'd be able to... clue into it." He didn't know how to phrase it properly, and he stepped over to un a hand over the man's arm, then rest on his back.

"We've got enough things to jump at, I guess."

"Good, then." Not that most people would consider exhaustion good, but he knew how much of a relief sleep could feel like when you were working that hard.

"We have a sith living there now, so," he sighed. "Commander's dealing with that. Don't want to be near that again, frankly."

"Yeah. Not really something I want to deal with, either." He hesitated. "I wish I could just - I know Base One isn't an option. I know it isn't. But I wish it could be."

No one there was out to hurt 622. Most of them even liked him. Archie, Finn... Jess would come around. Eventually. Probably.

He sighed. No, it was hopeless. There was a reason that they were meeting in a hotel.

He ran his hand through his hair, brushing curls aside.

"Never mind. I know. You don't need to tell me. I know."

"I'm sorry." Sorry that he couldn't be comfortable in Poe's home, not that he wouldn't feel safe around the rebels.

"And I know it's not easy on your end either." He wished it was. He wanted the important people in his life to be able to get along, but things were always distant there.

“I’m trying.” He was. He really was. But it was like Akobi went out of his way sometimes to prove how imperial he was, to Poe.

Like the hospital...

Poe’s face set in a grim line even just thinking about it, listening to the coffee maker burble.

“I am trying. I’m just not sure there’s a way to bridge some gaps. I’m not even sure he wants to.”

He hadn't even needed to specify who he was talking about. That was... honestly saddening. "That's his perogative," he replied.

"And yours. I wish there was more common ground." But even good people didn't always see eye to eye.

“I keep wanting to think there is.” He’d kept making up stories to himself about how Akobi was One Of The Good Ones And Didn’t Actually Believe All That Stuff, but... every time it actually came up, he had those hopes dashed.

It was easy with 622. 622 was a product of a fucked up system and had never known anything else. Akobi...

Akobi kept trying to defend things that Poe really wished he wouldn’t.

“But I’m still trying. I owe you that, I think.”

622 had so few people in his life that genuinely cared about him.

Poe just wished he was sure that Akobi was one of them.

There was. He knew that, he just didn't know how to get them to see that.

"If there's any questions I can answer that might help, I don't mind. Even if your power gets me." He managed half a smile. "That kind of truthfulness helps, I think. I know you don't like it, but it gets things out in the open."

He shifted uncomfortably as the coffee maker finished, pouring out a cup for himself and clutching it between two hands without drinking it as he turned to face 622. He didn't like his stupid power, but it was kind of a relief to know that 622 didn't mind it. Force knew he had to put up with it.

"I don't know what I could ask that would make it better and not worse," he admitted. "I feel like the more I find out, the worse it gets. That thing about the hospital..." He trailed off, miserably.

Hospital?

...Oh. The med center. He shifted, wishing he had something to fidget with as well. That was tied to bad memories.

"He never intended for that strike to hit a civilian target," he eventually said. "There was a Rebel ammo dump in the area. They jammed our comms, led him into something horrible."

"Yeah. I get it." But his voice had gotten a little tight.

"I've had to work with bad intel, too. While being shot at. While being jammed." He really hadn't meant to say that, and he sighed, frustrated, taking a warm hand off his mug to run it through his hair.

"Terrible things happen and people make mistakes and I get that. But mistakes that take a lot of innocent lives..." He trailed off, clicking his tongue.

"Sorry. I don't think we should talk about this."

"He feels guilt about it. Enough that he told me." He wasn't sure if he was being compelled to say this, but he... found he didn't care. Not as much as it should bother him, talking about that day.

"I think he tries to keep me from knowing bad things. Same impulse as you. But he couldn't bear it, and he was dying then, so... he told me." The pain had something to do with it, but it didn't explain it all away, at least not to his satisfaction.

Poe was silent for a few seconds as he frowned down into his cup.

"I don't think that's something he'd ever be willing to admit to me," He murmured lowly. Akobi only ever seemed to double down on the Imperial Party Line, with him. He didn't really understand why, except...

"I doubt he wants me to know that." His shoulders sank. "And it's not... I don't try to keep bad things from you, 622, I just..." Just what? Wanted to protect him? Wasn't that the same thing?

"I just know there are things we shouldn't talk about. That's all. You know I try to tell you all I can."

"He might not," he admitted. "I'm not sure if he would have told me if things hadn't been like that."

He shook his head. "It's instinct. We both do it. We're supposed to protect people, and it's hard to switch that off."

It was more than that, Poe thought. There were some tenuous lines between them, that they carefully did not cross. Or at least, ones that Poe knew better than to cross. It wasn't worth soap boxing about the Empire when it cost him one of the people he cared about most. Loved most. No, he was really trying not to use that word, these days--

He shoved it hard out of mind.

"... Yeah. Not sure I'm ever going to be able to switch that one off. Might as well ask me to be someone else." He finally sat down on the edge of the bed, still gripping the coffee mug between his hands even though he hadn't bothered to touch it. "Sorry. Didn't mean to bring the mood down, I know we don't have a huge amount of time."

"And I won't do that." He shifted a little closer to Poe once he'd sat down. "You're why I'm here, after all." Not some wish for a better match or anything else as selfish as that. He was here to spend time with Poe.

"We have enough." For whatever happened. Though given how exhausted Poe was, ideally that included giving him time to rest.

He couldn't help the fond little flicker of a smile. He let the cup rest in one hand on his knee, the other hand reaching out to thread around 622's waist and pull him a little closer, planting a kiss on his clothed hip.

"Not sure about enough, but yeah, we'll make do. We're pretty good at that. Just don't let me fall asleep, okay?'

He let Poe pull him in, running his fingers through Poe's hair. How was it always so soft?

"I'll try, but if you start flagging too much..."

"I can sleep later," He insisted, resting his head against 622's thigh. Damn, he really was tired, though.

He finally raised the coffee to his lips, taking a sip. Good. Not too hot. Black. Usually he put a little sugar in, but not today. "Wouldn't mind a kiss or two, though," he murmured.

"I can do that."

He pulled away just a little, hand sliding from Poe's hair to his jaw to tilt his head up. He leaned down, slow and careful, kissing Poe on the lips.

And reaching out to put a steadying hand on the coffee cup, just in case.

Strangely, the hand on the coffee cup was the most endearing thing about it. Not that the kiss wasn’t nice, but the fact that even then, 622’s first and primary thought was safety. It made Poe’s heart ache.

“Alright,” he murmured after a moment, a little more relaxed than he was before. He threaded his fingers into 622’s, and gave a little tug to get him to sit down with him.

“Sit down and tell me how it feels to be back on active duty again.”

He sat, the curve of the mattress under their weight leaning him a little towards Poe. That was a good enough excuse to put an arm around him.

"It's good. The anomalies might be getting worse, but I'm not sitting idly by anymore." He wasn't sure if it was because someone had been told he'd started going to a psych. He hoped not, but it'd gotten him back out in the field anyway.

"Yeah, I know having to take a back seat was getting to you." It got to him, too. He understood.

He leaned in a little against 622, just sort of enjoying the closeness. It was a little stupid, how he kept forgetting how much he needed it. He just got so caught up in everything, in trying to save the world all the time, that he forgot.

"I'm just... Yeah. I'm just really glad it's going okay." It was a relief on more levels than he could name.

"Neither of us are built for back seat piloting," he murmured, slowly relaxing against Poe's shoulder.

"And you've been pulling a heavy schedule lately. Is the work good?" Was it making the most of what he could do?

"No, we really aren't."

He takes a deep breath in, and lets a long breath out.

"Wish I knew what we were actually up against. It feels like trying to fight against... gravity. Except I know how to do that. When I fly, it's to evacuate. When I fight, I don't even know what I'm fighting against."

He hadn't really meant to say all that, but he isn't upset that he did.

"Really just wish shit wouldn't be so complicated for once."

The description sounded like a lot of his deployments, but context was key. This went above and beyond the normal 'don't know' and straight on into what should be impossible.

But it wasn't, and they were having to deal with that. "You've got good instincts that can help you through." Sometimes they seemed a little off-target, but if they hadn't been, they probably wouldn't have ended up together.

“Never thought I’d hear you praising my instincts,” Poe replied a flicker of a smile on his face as he turned his head to look at 622. He took a sip of coffee and then leaned in to press a kiss to the man’s cheek.

“I must be wearing you down a bit.”

"I'm still not in favor of the extreme ironing competition, but apart from that..." He kissed Poe back, shifting to settle a little bit more into a comfortable hug.

“Well, I’ve been reigning champion for like a year now and still no one has come close to topping me, so I probably don’t have to defend my title any time soon.”

It was still a good thing. He could remember, a long time ago, a fair rough conversation about training versus instincts..

“That mean you’re starting to trust yours a little more?”

"They probably shouldn't try. I'm not sure it'd be survivable." Seriously, over a volcano.

"Mine are still miscalibrated, but they're getting better than they were." He wouldn't have been waking up in the middle of the night if he hadn't learned to react to sounds and shadows in the night as a threat.

"I'd be able to top whatever they managed to come up with, anyway," He replied, a grin sliding up his lips for a second. Yeah. Over a volcano.

The smile faded, and he found himself giving 622 a gentle shake around his shoulders.

"They just have to unlearn a few things, that's all," He murmurs quietly. It wasn't the instincts that were wrong, Poe didn't think. Just the interpretation of data that those instincts acted on.

It was going to be difficult. With how things were going here, those reflexes might be useful soon. But if things got like that, he wouldn't keep living in an apartment, he'd insist they decamp to a more defensible position. Somewhere with more people to watch their backs.

Then he'd feel safer. "You're right." He absentmindedly runs a hand over Poe's back, making slow, gentle circles. "I'll keep working at it."

"You're doing good, you know," he murmured, leaning a little heavier against him. Damn, he was tired...

"I'm just - I'm just real glad things are working out." He yawned, putting a hand over his mouth, before letting his head rest on 622's shoulder. The coffee he was holding dipped in his lap a little precariously, only a couple sips having actually gotten through.

"You're doing..." but whatever he was going to finish that sentence with was lost, his head dipping, and the cup just about to slip from his fingers.

He could hear Poe's voice start to get more indistinct, a clear sign he was starting to fall asleep. Poe had asked to keep him awake, but he hadn't actually promised to do so. Poe needed rest, and if he was falling asleep sitting up, then better he do it here than out flying.

And being relaxed enough around him to switch off like that was... 'sweet' was probably the word.

He gently put a hand under the coffee cup and slowly eased it out of Poe's grip, setting it aside. If Poe didn't wake up, he'd find some way to get them both lying down in a few minutes, so he could properly rest.

But for right now, he was happy to stay here, just like this.

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most people feel bad about their SO going on active duty but

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that moment when you didn't hit 'send'

Re: that moment when you didn't hit 'send'

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