[Open] Gabriel Log for October

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WHO: Gabriel [And possibly you?]
WHERE: Maurtia Falls, Nonah - near YOU?
WHEN: Throughout the month of October
WHAT: Gabriel gets hit with the fallout of his pride, sings out his feelings (in public ugh.) and tries to acclimate to living with humans.
WARNINGS: Gabriel is a walking warning for assholery and also possibly embarrassing human situations. He's also kind of a scary good singer. **UPDATE** will include toplevels for **OCTOBER EVENTS**



LET'S BE ROOMMATE BUDDIES (MAURITA)

[Gabriel doesn't sleep. His pet does and it is being taken care of. It gets a bed. almost a whole bed! Sometimes the human-shaped thing sits beside it and reads and that's when it'll just sit against him and after two days of pushing it away he just allows it at this point. Today though the jackalope gets the bed and the archangel has his very nice expensive coat off and his sleeves rolled up and he is cleaning.

It's something to do and this whole place is filthy. Compared to heaven it's filthy. So he scrubs and reads all the scrubbing things and everything is very very clean. It's gleaming even. The drains shine. Somehow all the dishes get done like it's instinct. Sometimes he can be found scrubbing the grout in the kitchen or the bathroom or wiping things and-]

I'm not apologizing. This place could always be cleaner.

LET'S GET MOTIVATED WITH MAXIMUM EFFORT (MAURITA)

[Gabriel is supposed to be a motivational speaker. He's been given a pamphlet on how to do this but it mentions his phone and using his communicator and social media but he still can't figure it out and finally he slips it into his pocket and approaches the first person he sees.]

Excuse me, would you like to know how not to go to Hell? I can help with that.

[So sayeth the very well dressed guy who may be insane. Feel free to hit him.]

I'M TIRED OF TALKING TO MYSELF HERE (NONAH)

[He honestly believed that this was a test. That didn't make it less painful. He was passing everything and he should have gotten a sign by now. Some sort of confirmation. Some sort of confirmation of just what he was supposed to do.It was a simple useless thing that shouldn't have mattered except -

Except whenever he would close his eyes in prayer or reach for her Grace it was - just as he had described to Eve - like listening to a radio far away and sometimes when he reached out there was...well. Moments of absolute nothing. That had been terrifying. Like what he imagined falling would be like - just that sense of isolation. And then -

Well. He hadn't fallen. There would be more hideous bodily fluids and disgusting behaviors and urges he was quite sure but he would not wish that sense of isolation on anyone for the first time in millennia. This had been what Lucifer and his ilk had deserved but the tables had been turned and...well. Here he was. Taking a walk through the Nonah park at a whim, it's hard not to think about that isolation. This is heavily on his mind, as it should be. He's not an embarrassment. His days with holy choirs were millennia ago when he was practically as close to a child as an angel could get.

Yes. quiet contemplation. That was the way of doing things. He wasn't a fool, bursting into song like he would in the choir. Like people had been doing lately. No. He sang at home. When he was sure she was listening.

And it's like a bell. Just knowledge that she was but that affirmation is gone and and he doesn't realize as he spreads his arms wide in the park and- sings.

Only there's no singing - standing there arms folded. No. He's actually dancing and even if he's not aware that very special musical moment he's not doing too bad at dancing and spinning through a park like he belongs on stage. In fact. Despite the sad song, he's dancing beautifully.]

Mama, I could use some help here
Tired of talking to myself here
Back at home, you don't exist
So here I am in the abyss
Are you really in this place?
It's like the emptiness of space
I could search for all eternity
And never see your face
Help me out

[Literally like the protagonist in a movie - if there were a camera it'd be following him as he leaps over trees and rocks before standing perched on a bench with his hands spread to the heavens. It's a sad-ish sort of song but it's still worth belting out. The heavens should hear. Everyone should! singing is great!

About halfway through the number a collection of marathon runners, two construction workers, and a group of people at a child's birthday party join in to sing those background numbers. They even dance, cheering him on and man where was this in their old singing days-

Before he falls. On his knees in the grass, ruining his perfectly good pair of pants-]

The nothingness ahead of me
Is this the end you meant for me?
Every living minute
There's no home without you in it
I'm falling
Quit stalling
Your daughter is calling your name
I've burned all my bridges and games

[Except. You know. He's not dead, and even if he doesn't have her the choir is waiting and it's like something he'd forgotten he could do. He's the first musician. He's her musician and if she sent him here...well. There's adaptability. The humans all have plastered fake smiles and it looks so familiar that he just jumps back in and he's just so thrilled his wings unfurl. Dancing with those is a trick.]

I'm gonna get back home
Micheal, Sandalphon, Uriel and the Demons who're sad
It's messy but they're all that I have
I'll make the best of being flesh and bone
The best of being here alone without you-
Mama, I'm going home
Home
I'm going home!
Mama, I'm going home!

[The music fades and he blinks, staring at his arms before looking back at the collected people who are rubbing their heads and looking at him very confused. One points and he looks upward before his wings curl back.

Well.]

Folks I just want you to know? You did just almost as good as actual heavenly choirs. Heavenly choirs! Boy that was a lot of fun wasn't it? You should be really proud. I think we all needed that right? Not just me?

[Their expressions all say "no it was just you." and they were dragged along for the ride. Thank Her he doesn't need to eat. A few look at him with pity and he pulls out his wallet.]

Right okay. How much to make you all forget this ever happened and I am willing to pay in favors. Trust me. I'm Gabriel! Yes, the archangel that's why I have wings also please - please never mention that it's embarrassing.

[The birthday girl, in a moment of charity, tugs on her mother's skirt and asks her to invite the sad man to the party since apparently he misses his mama but both Gabriel and the mother wave it off and the marathon resumes, the party resumes, and he sits on the same bench that was his stage and stares at nothing. Wow. Ten minutes into his musings the mother has returned with that same pitying look and a slice of chocolate birthday cake that he accepts, stares at, and sets beside him.

Oblivious, still digesting what happened, the first person who approaches him to laugh or otherwise will get offered the cake.]

Want some? It was a gift from that nice woman over there at the birthday party. We were just singing in a possessed musical number about my emotions.

FIND HIM SOMEWHERE

[Find him in Maurita, Find him in Nonah, those are the two places he's been the most thanks to sheer dumb luck. He arrives in a crack of lightning and disappears just the same.]

Comments

[bookshopped]

[Why so they are being looked at. He lifts a hand to wave at the birthday girl, who will find another present tucked away in the pile, a small plush unicorn. Because everyone likes unicorns. And also because Aziraphale is a sucker for things having meaning.

But he takes a bite of the cake before nodding.]

I'll be certain to. But yes, children can be very perceptive. And very kind. After all, she's not exactly wrong, is she? You aren't the only one who misses Her.

[Though in his own case, it's quite different.]

Well, yes. I like it quite a bit, and if you have opinions on tartan, I don't need to hear them.

[Huff!! But. oh. Look at that.] Ah... no, I can't say that I have.

[But he has a shortlist of suspects for who may be behind it. But he certainly won't say that.] Strange things have a tendency to happen in this place.

Here though, allow me. [A quick flourish of his fingers and if Gabriel checks his tie again it'll be back to the color it began the day as -- though that won't prevent Adam from redesigning it later.]

[privatepurchases]

[Taking the tie back he nods. Why didn't he think of that? Miracling it back to the way it was? It hadn't entered into his mind. He filed away that for later contemplation.]

Thank you.

I don't know what tartan is. I just know you picked that. That we have free will apparently. Suddenly. I was always told-

[His lip trembles and his features contort] I always believed that everything was her decision. that she ...wanted me to look nice and so I did but now I find out...that's just me.

Aziraphale I feel really fucking stupid.

[It feels a relief to admit that. And I'm worried she made me this way and I don't know why. Tests didn't leave people broken did they? He feels that way. Crowley says he didn't fall but he feels like he did.]

[bookshopped]

[So here is Aziraphale looking oddly startled at what Gabriel has to say -- and only briefly relieved that he doesn't have to defend tartan and his penchant for it yet again -- before understanding dawns.]

We've always had freewill. Otherwise, how would any angel have fallen?

[If all their choices were made for them, it should have been impossible, to break from Her will and Her Grace. And for Aziraphale, while he's always understood his choices were his own, something he learned more starkly in those first days when Adam and Eve were cast out, when he handed over his sword to try to do what felt right even if it didn't line up with the orders he'd been given. He had choices, but he'd always feared the consequences of them, until recently.

Gabriel is really just finding this out now. Aziraphale can't imagine.

So he's quiet a long moment before he nods.]

Good. [Maybe that's a strange response.] As far as I can tell, that's a very natural way to feel. And it's a good start for learning. That's the important bit. Now that you know you're making your own choices, you can do better with them. Or at least own them as your own.

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Yeah except I have to reckon with the fact that I spent several thousand years not doing that and thinking that I was and it's like...

Could I have done things differently? You may not know this but I didn't like tossing the ark around. I guess I really don't. You're gonna build a boat let it be a boat you know? Sure storms are a lot of fun to make but that's the last of a group of people except the ones she wanted.

Sodom and Gomorrah. [He draws in a breath] I mean should we have made it quick? Micheal and I took our time with some places. The really bad ones naturally. That's bad though. Like you're not supposed to have fun doing that kind of thing. I know that. That's not...angelic. Like you. But we...well. We were there.

and Sandalphon and that salt thing...I mean should I have punished him? that was transmutation. We can't do that without her say so. And now - did she say it?

Or did he want to do it?

[He puts his head in his hands. Lifting it up after a moment he looks at Aziraphale]

Here's...what I think. I figured you and your partner out. You two chose each other and choice is what she gave humans and us apparently and she...loves all of us and that's why she protected you.

[He points, smiling weakly. He's got your number principality. Lowering his hand however he stares skyward.]

Aziraphale, we swore when she put us in charge we would do her will. Now I have to ask, were we doing her will? Or ours? I interpret the word, that's my job. If I got it wrong I have led everyone I cared about into nothing and I...

[He stares at his hands.] ...I don't have an answer and I don't need one right now I don't think but gosh that felt good to share. Confession is good for the soul right?

[He honestly doesn't know.]

[bookshopped]

Yes, you've got quite a bit to think about, don't you?

[Millennia at least, yes. But he shakes his head. It's probably good that Gabriel is thinking about these things, even if it's clearly weighing the other angel's mind down. Reflection is hard. Heaven knows he's had his own struggles with it, with being honest to himself.]

And you may come to realize you've done terrible things, of your own freewill. It's a painful concept to come to terms with.

[He's done it himself. The whole ark business in general was dreadful, despite all the justifications. To this day, rainbows make him uncomfortable.

But the subject changes and Aziraphale looks startled by it. Funny though he can't help but smile, more than fond as he considers it, considers Crowley.] We did. And it's a choice I'd make over and over again. I don't pretend to know or understand Her plans anymore. After it all happened, I half expected to Fall. Sometimes I still do. It's rather terrifying. But... still more than worth the risk.

[He's come to that decision. Finishing the little plate of cake, the plate and fork miraculously make their way into the nearest rubbish bin and he shakes his head.]

So they say. Humans go to therapy these days, more than to priests mind you, but I think it's mostly along the same lines.

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Your husband wants me to apologize to you.

[Gabriel stares at the world around them and then back at his tie. This is easy. He likes this tie. Aziraphale fixed it for him.]

And I don't know if I can or if I want to but I do want to tell you I am very glad you are not dead.

Okay. Maybe I do think I want to. [He draws a breath in that he doesn't need.] Aziraphale, I am sorry that I mis-

that her will-

[fuck. He looks embarrassed.] I am sorry.

[It's not an apology but the archangel nods.] I am happy her plan worked and you lived because while I think...

[I think. He stares dead eyed.] I think that I dislike you but I don't want you dead. That was like smiting somebody. You don't deserve that.

[He sniffs] But you really were kind of a terrible employee. Both of you. Not just you so don't feel bad about that. At the very least you should have said something and told us. Or at least asked... Or confessed-

Instead you lived for you. I can't blame you for that. At least I don't think I can?

[Can he? Something in his head says no. But. He stares at the party.]

...Hey. I have free will. That that human beings have that got them thrown out of the garden. Over the apple tree that Gabriel worked so hard to plant. Is this a good thing? A bad thing? We could form a committee. We could have talked about it. Would that have been so hard? Just one memo?! one note? From...

[You? Or anyone? Yes. Because to say these things would have meant inquiries and possible actual falling or-or not. Or something else.

Someone else.]

[bookshopped]

I'm sorry, my what now?

[That's what he's caught up on. But he'll drop it in favor of trying to figure out what Gabriel is trying to get at. Aziraphale looks genuinely surprised at the apology, and then much less surprised as Gabriel continues. Ah. Almost. But then, well, everything that follows.

Ah well.]

Oh, I don't feel bad about it.

[Not even a little bit of guilt left about that one. Bad employee is a compliment at this point. And now he just sighs, folding his hands in his lap and speaking, quietly.] Has it occured to you, perhaps, that the confusion you're feeling now is not unique to you? That I lived through these same questions? I gave them my sword, you know, as they were being cast out of the Garden, because it felt so wrong to leave them helpless in such a cold world. I had no idea what that meant. I agonized over that for ages. If I was wrong or right to do it. In the end, I was glad I did. That was the start of it.

[The only one to offer anything in the way of reassurance or comfort was a demon, and that had been confusing too. Until it wasn't. Aziraphale continues.] I found myself confused and with questions as well -- and with no one to answer them without fear of being cast out. So yes, I found my own answers, with time, with trial and error. So much error. After denying and trying so very hard to believe the things I was told to do were the right things. I found answers and I found Crowley.

[And knowing, often enough, that they weren't.] Even at the very end, I wonder if you realize how hard I tried to make you hear. I hurt him, the being I love with my whole heart, because I really believed someone in Heaven would listen. Instead I was ignored, threatened, assaulted on the street by my own kind.

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[Gabriel is walking a very thin line. There's a line in all angels minds where they accept things are shit and then they ask questions (why are things this way? why do we do this? Why don't you tell us all these things if we are to serve you?)

An angel is not expected to have free will. Human beings do. they are taught right from wrong from the very beginning because they learned the very hard lesson of just how important free will is. They know one decision can change everything.

One idea can end a planet. One idea can save a planet.

A name can turn a nightmare into a friend.

A kind remark can bridge the gap between two species so filled with violence they were willing to murder their own kind in a surprisingly human act because they couldn't learn to get along.

Free will is a powerful thing and perhaps She does not tell angels and demons that they have it because they must evolve to it because they are powerful already. Ask questions. Wonder about orders. Have faith.

Human beings in their own way have the hardest road to walk. Angels can serve and observe them. Demons too. Gabriel and the others - all other nine million of the ones in heaven at least - were so caught up in the service part that they forgot to observe. Blessed up in their cages and not wanting anything else.

Perhaps because they lost the best observers.

I was ignored, threatened, and I tried to make you hear. Assaulted on the street by my own kind.

He had sent them in a fit of frustration and anger. Only the oldest texts offered any sort of solution. An eye for an eye.

But there had been that kid who didn't want to kill anybody even though she was clearly upset and hurting and she had said an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. And she was-well half human but that come from them?

Fucking hell had he been wrong the whole time?

And so he stands on the cliff and perhaps she - in some form - he - creation says chose. Fall or Rise. What he wants to do right now is tell him his belief in her is a fucking lie because She should have told them if they were the best among them.

What stops him is Uriel, and Sandalphon, and Micheal especially because if Micheal fell or freaked out after this fuck everything these two fought for would be nothing and all their work would be dust and he didn't want them to be alone either and-

Hell. Downstairs had to know right? But if they did did that mean they would rise? That they'd come back?

The cliff is tempting because how fucking dare she not tell him...]

We were scared. I was scared. She hasn't said anything to us in a long time. A very long time. And like the song said. I miss Her. She kept us close and maybe she kept us too close because I don't know how to do things without her. [pause] wait. that's not true. I do. but it's harder.

[The only reason, the only reason he doesn't throw himself on the other angel's mercy begging him to explain. is purely a desire to understand what is happening for himself.]

That's not an excuse because I'm embarrassed as hell. Whatever you or anybody thinks of me I'll at least try. I'm not a bad angel - she wouldn't make me that. And I'm not bad if I have a choice right? I can chose to do good.

I was talking to somebody on the network a few-awhile ago and- they actually described the same situation we had? And they said they wouldn't burn the person who was making us all act like idiots alive? An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind? Something like that?

Why would somebody do that? Just not do it? I-

[I'm talking too much. He stops speaking and stares at Aziraphale and then.

His features set themselves into one of determination. If he has choice then he will not fall over that cliff. and he will not hurt people anymore even if it was essential- humans didn't murder each other that much...so there had to be ways to deal with that right? To be a good leader? To be more then a soldier? Feeling better, at least by hairs, he frowns.]

...Okay so it's not unique. And...okay. I'll write that down. And - you're saying you had to work it out on your own. That figuring out free will has to be something just for the person responsible to figure out.

[He paces a few feet forward and a few feet back. The obvious answer is: Come back and teach seminars on this Aziraphale. But. Gabriel despite everything isn't that dumb. Still.]

You-coming back - we-

[he pauses] I have to study this. I mean, we screwed up. Fine okay. I'm saying the wrong things and you look pissed on at me. But. [He points. Yes! a plan is forming!] We've been playing offense but this is making the team stronger and if it's trial and error then I have to go back and tell them I was wrong and that we have free will and here's how you and use it and sense it and know it.

So. I'm going to listen and learn and then when we go back or I go back I can help them. So they don't have to look back and feel bad about things. Or if we do then we can follow your example.

[He nods.] You figured it out. And it was hard, and we weren't aware. Okay. We're listening now. I'm listening now. You said you learned by watching them. And I'm watching them.

[He gestures at the park.] And you can be pissed on at me and that's fine because I think it might be justified. I mean-okay there's a lot at work to do. So...

[that manic energy stops.]

So I am sorry. I stand by that. I don't think I like you still and I still think that you could have been a better employee but I guess She just put you on a different project?...

[Yes. That works. He snaps his fingers.] That's it! You were a bad fit working for me. Which is fine. Because you were working for Her. and I-I-

[Yes. He nods. He has a plan now. He has ideas.] I've got to get going. I'm rambling but this is great Aziraphale. We can get the miracles rolling again. real ones and we can reset the dates. Renegotiate everything but not maliciously- not like that kid said. We're not two gangs, this is business.

[No. Not the time. He holds up a hand.] Look. I'll leave you be. Just. Man I can't think straight but that's fine. Sometimes it happens you know? This feels just like the old days!
I can go back, we could if you and Crowley go back, and we can make the home team stronger huh!

[Because nobody will have to think about the terrible things he has to contemplate. Or if they do he can help them do it. The grin he offers Aziraphale is genuine.]

Gonna even overlook the sword pal. I'll write it off the books as Lost in Action. This is fixable!

[And if he works he won't have to worry he did nothing. Because he's not bad. He's helping. He's going to fix this. that's what he does. Grinning, there's a whoosh and Gabriel is gone. Back to Maurita, back to work.]