maskormenacelogs | [Closed]

Entry tags:

[Closed]

WHO: Anakin Skywalker and ~~Snips~~Ahsoka Tano
WHERE: New house! (De Chima)
WHEN: Over the weekend.
WHAT: Feelings. A lot of feelings.
WARNINGS: Drinking and some depressing subjects, probably.

He should have been happy to take that all important step of getting his own place, but it was awkward. Padmé had obviously been sent back and there was a void in his heart. There were a thousand reasons why she deserved to put distance, permanently, between them and Anakin respected them. Yet being without her had made him feel empty and purposeless.

Obi-Wan was one of his main supporters - along with Luke and Leia - so he hadn't lost himself to the Dark again, however that didn't mean he felt any better about...anything. He wanted space to think, to discover who he was meant to be - or who he wanted to be - and he wanted those dearest to him to understand that every single day felt like a new challenge. Maybe if he could overcome some of the hell he had concocted, he would be able to reach Kylo and even Hux better.

Why can't I just be a wise old Jedi with a beard down to my knees?

Well there was a picture. Anakin snorted and pulled out a bottle of wine, pouring himself a glass. He had texted Ahsoka earlier, but he hadn't received a response. She was probably enjoying all the sights the cities had to offer and he couldn't blame her. Besides, part of him worried that she wasn't as okay with him being Darth Vader as she pretended. It was best not to push.

Hey Snips, I haven't moved everything in yet, but the new place isn't so bad.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

She'd received his text of course, but hadn't answered due to...well. A number of things. She might not always be the most observant of hints, but it didn't stop her from knowing her former master very well. And she could read between the lines of that text.

He needed her.

So Ahsoka finished up her most recent class and sent her students on their way with more than a few tails between their legs (so to speak, none of them actually had tails) before packing up the few supplies she kept with her for work and heading over to the house he'd sent her the address of when he'd picked it out.

It didn't take all that long to get to, either, and she simply used the key he'd given her to let herself in.

"Anakin?"

The click of a key sliding into the lock captured his attention. He had left a key with Ahsoka, Obi-Wan, Leia and Luke (the latter three he had either left the key(s) where they would find it or slipped it under their door). However he knew without a doubt that it was Ahsoka who had come to visit him. Getting up from his chair, he walked into the room to greet her, smiling weakly.

"Busy day?"

She was adorable - as always - but she was fully grown now. Anakin felt his heart lift just seeing her and it was...a bit confusing.

She closed and locked the door behind her as she waited, looking towards where she sensed him.

The weak smile had her even more worried. She walked up to him though, not afraid, and reached out to wrap her arms around him to reassure him that no. She wouldn't flinch from him. Or avoid him.

"Some people just shouldn't even try to learn something new," she answered with a somewhat exasperated huff and roll of her eyes. "Even if it's for their benefit."

She wasn't afraid to touch him; to be near him. She had seen him at his worst - at his most monstrous - and she chose to...do this. Embrace him. Anakin hesitated before holding her tightly, pressing his face against her shoulder.

"Be nice. They're trying." he smirked and then sighed, his amusement fading fast, "You know... Padmé and I... We called it quits. She must have gone back because I can't sense her anymore."

Nope. No fear.

Ahsoka tightened her hold on him when he made it clear he needed it. It felt...good. To be needed like this. "I'm here," she quietly told him.

He earned a quick grin and a nod before she frowned in concern. Together or not, she knew how much the Senator meant to him. She adjusted her hold on Anakin to wrap an arm around his waist and urged him back the way he'd come.

"I'm sorry. What happened?" She could guess, but maybe he needed to tell her himself?

Those quiet words were a gift and he felt some of the chaos rearing up inside of him calm. Ahsoka was not a large person by any stretch of the imagination, but her presence felt stronger than his. She knew where she stood and why. The Force was at peace around her.

Anakin let himself be led, reclaiming the chair he had sat in earlier. He brought a second wine glass over with a flick of his fingers. She was old enough now.

"Everything... It was too much. She felt herself die, she heard about what I did as Vader to Luke and Leia and..." he shrugged, his throat constricting, "I did it. Instead of saving her, I led to her death and pushed her further away than ever."

Edited 2019-09-22 06:49 (UTC)

That peace had taken a long time for her to find. It took losing everything. To be lost and adrift. But then she'd found it, and listened to the Force. She wasn't a Jedi anymore, it was true. And that bit still stung a little, it always would. But she also knew she couldn't go back to how she'd been and be the kind of Jedi the Order had wanted her to be.

She moved a second chair closer to his with a gesture and sat, tucking herself right back against him to give him something solid to hold onto. It might be a little awkward, but if it helped, she didn't care.

And the wine had her smile briefly, even if it was also a little concerning still. Hiding behind alcohol.

What he had to say was...hard. Very hard. "You won't do those things here and now." She put confidence and a fierce determination in her voice. "Vader might still be with you, but you aren't him. You're better than that."

He was afraid to ask what she had been through - what she had seen. But avoiding the topic was cowardly and he knew, as soon as he brought up Padmé, that he needed to know if she was okay. He could fool himself that she was fine when she was pressed against his side, but he would only be fooled temporarily.

Pouring her a glass of the wine he had come to favor, he gave himself a short pause to consider her belief in him. How far removed was he from Vader? How much progress had he made?

"I'm afraid I will snap. If I keep myself calm, there's little danger, but life doesn't work like that." he sipped on his wine and set his glass down with a click, "I am him. Pretending otherwise is a lie." and it sickened him, "I don't want to be him. But I take responsibility for Vader."

Edited 2019-09-22 07:17 (UTC)

When he'd ask, she'd tell him. She'd tell him everything, even what she wasn't proud of. Ahsoka didn't want to keep secrets from him.

She accepted the glass of wine and took a curious little sip- she'd never been a big one to drink, though she would when it suited the situation.

And she listened, thinking over what he was saying, and what he left unsaid. He didn't trust himself. "I'm not saying you shouldn't take responsibility for Vader. I'm also not saying you won't slip up, no one is perfect. Just...don't forget you aren't alone, alright?"

The wine left him feeling warm when he would have been chilled to the bone otherwise. He couldn't look at her when she spoke of him possibly slipping up, however that changed at her insistence that he wasn't alone.

He was very lucky.

"Snips, what happened to you?" Anakin turned to face her, frowning worriedly, "You said you fought me...later? Did I try to..." he couldn't make himself say the words, "I always wanted to protect you."

Most would have pulled away from him then. She still didn't, preferring to stay leaning against him. She'd accepted the Vader part of him when she'd learned, without a doubt, who he'd been. So Ezra didn't like or trust her old master. Ahsoka still did.

She set her glass down and met his gaze levelly, utterly serious. "You offered to take me to Sidious instead of killing me. When I refused, you started aiming to kill. I was about to die when I felt Ezra behind me...but then I was pulled here." She couldn't protect him from the truth he already probably suspected.

"I probably could have left before we fought. You probably would have let me go. I stayed, because you are my family, Anakin. You will always be my family. And I won't leave another person I love behind."

A new warmth that had nothing to do with the wine rushed through his veins. He should be disgusted that he endangered her like that, but really, it seemed like Vader threatened everyone he loved. Maybe the Dark Side was just an inversion of everything good. If so, then of course Vader would try to kill her.

No, what captivated him was how she stood, facing him as Vader, trying to reach him even then. Anakin stared at her intensely, overwhelmed by the fact that she loved him despite what he had become - despite what he had almost done to her.

He never thought rationally when it came to anything of this nature and before he could think about the repercussions of his actions, he was kissing her. But it wasn't on the cheek or the forehead. Instead he was pressing his lips intently against hers, trying to communicate...something. Everything. His desperation, his loneliness, his desire to be better...

Vader was an all or nothing sort of person. Either someone was with him, or they were against him. It was too narrow a perspective for Ahsoka, but that in itself could be worked on. He wasn't a lost cause.

"I'm not easy to kill, even for you," she quietly informed him. Or reminded.

And then he was right there and all her seriousness went out the airlock with her breath. She was surprised, but there was no disgust in her Force signature. She hesitated, heart racing, but then...She relaxed and answered his desperation with her determination. His loneliness with her steadfast refusal to abandon him. His desire to be better, with her belief that he can.

Vader was that way because Anakin had let himself become an all or nothing sort of guy. He knew better now and when the temptation to act swiftly - i.e. rashly - plagued him, he tried so very hard to step back and think. He also tried to consult those with cooler heads than his.

"I don't want to kill you." and he made that perfectly clear in the next breath. He loved her - and had loved her - for a long time. As his Padawan, she had been a bright ray of Light, reminding him to be his best so that he could guide her. But now she was...more. And different. She was beautiful - he had noticed that a long time ago - but that beauty went beyond her skin.

Frankly, she deserved better than a broken Jedi-almost-Sith-now nothing like him. Yet he kissed her nonetheless, reading her Force signature with ease. She could read his too if she liked - at the forefront of all other emotions (desire included) there was a deep gratitude.

When air became a necessity, he parted from her and almost smiled. But he stopped himself, afraid she wouldn't feel as relieved as he did.

"Should I apologize?"

They were both rash at times. Emotions ruled them more than others, though they each had their own way of managing their actions. Experience had taught each of them. She'd...just learned how to be more patient, and to think things through a bit better.

She swallowed heavily at his answer, finding herself huffing out a wry little chuckle. "That's a- good start." Nope. Still fluttery heart time what is this emotion?!

But then that adorable almost-smile and his question as her laugh. Had this ever entered her mind? No. But she wasn't opposed to it. And it didn't feel wrong. He'd always been a source of comfort and protection. And...well. Anakin Skywalker wasn't a bad looking man.

"Only apologize if you're actually sorry," she told him, and leaned in to kiss him. The first had been a bit clumsy on her end, but this time she was more confident.

There had been a reason she had been paired with him. They complemented each other in ways they may have taken for granted for...too damn long.

"I'm sorry..." for threatening her life and for almost taking her to Sidious. No one deserved either (and especially the latter). Anakin had no desire to think about that bastard right now, however, and he purposefully focused on her expression. That really was a much more pleasant vision to dwell on.

"For that? I'm not." his eyes widened when she was kissing him. Well! Challenge accepted. He drew her into his arms, offering her a more comfortable place to sit - mainly his lap. Holding her close was delightfully appealing.

Edited 2019-09-22 09:28 (UTC)

They worked very well together, even from the very beginning. She'd never regretted being his Padawan. But now...they still worked well together. And there was much more they could do.

The Force completed his sentence and she answered by wrapping her arms around his neck to hold on. She grinned against his lips at managing to surprise him. The squeak was entirely in Anakin's imagination though when he moved her to his lap.

But she didn't argue the new seat, and adjusted her hold on him. One more kiss, softer than the previous and she pulled back just enough for them to have the chance to catch their breaths.

"How long...?" Had he wanted to kiss her?

Oh yes. That squeak didn't exist and it certainly didn't cause him infinite amusement. He hid said emotion, however, since she was settling in his lap. Anakin knew better than to push his luck and he showed her his approval by pressing into the kiss harder. His arms were wrapped snugly around her waist, keeping her in place.

The softer kiss made him smile and she might notice that his eyes were as far from Sith gold as they could be.

"Since I saw you on the sidewalk." he traced the markings on one of her cheeks idly with his index finger, "I thought it was because I missed you so much, but there's more to it."

So even he can learn. He didn't have to hold on tight to keep her curled up in his lap against him, but she wasn't complaining.

Ahsoka leaned their foreheads together, one arm remained around his shoulders while the other loosened to rest the hand against his chest, fingers idly playing with his shirt. Part of her was still a bit confused, but she ignored it for now. He was sure about this, and she could feel it. Hinting at doubt would be...bad. Very bad. And she knew herself well enough to know her confusion wasn't really about him.

His answer had her smile and press into his hand. "You don't have to miss me anymore. I'm right here."

He held her tight to remind himself that she was here. Anakin was tired of losing those he cared about and if he could hold onto her physically then that meant she couldn't be Ported out. Yet.

His lips tingled and if she had doubts, so did he. He hadn't seen the end of his marriage that long ago and he knew it was dangerous to drag Ahsoka into the chaos of...that. All of it. So he needed to be honest and try not to kiss her silly.

Which was going to be hard.

"I can't stop loving Padmé, but it's...different. There is so much pain between us that I don't think anyone could overcome. I love her as the mother of our children, but the romance..." he shook his head, frowning, "I don't want you to feel like I'm using you, Snips. I'm kissing you because I love you and I'm attracted to you."

And all of that was true. He did love her and he could feel that love transforming the longer he was around her.

She didn't protest even a little. It was...nice. To be held like this. Even with any complication that might arise. He had children, and a grandchild, who might not like him starting a relationship with someone else.

Of course he thought of whether she might be afraid he was using her, and she shook her head in negation. "I would never ask you to stop loving Padme." As if she could. "And I know you're not using me." Her lips quirk and she kisses him softly one more time. "I know you too well to think otherwise."

...And kissing him is becoming addicting.

If the relationship he started was healthy and it helped him be a better father and a better person all around then there was no reason for them be upset. He would always love Padmé, but he accepted that his love for her had been twisted and tainted by the Sith and by his own fears. They could try to overcome what he had done - they could try to forget - but it would haunt all of their days.

Ahsoka was different; she saw him as Anakin - as redeemable - even when he was trapped inside of Vader's suit. He was glad - for the first time - that she had left him. The space between them had ensured he hadn't hurt her too.

Now they could begin something wonderful; something healing.

"I know." he grins at the kiss, returning the pressure, "I want to be around you; I want to be with you. I won't hurt you, either, Snips." he promises solemnly, "Vader is behind me while we're here."

He could be better. Ahsoka knew that, and if she could help him, she would.

She saw Anakin for the imperfect, brilliant, stubborn, kind, passionate man he was. And she accepted him completely. He'd never lost faith in her. She wouldn't do that to him. Never again. Vader or not. And if she could protect Anakin from Vader, she would.

She shook her head, lips quirked wryly. "Even if you did hurt me, I would forgive you. Not even you can control everything, Skyguy." She kissed him again to take the sting out of it. Well. Mostly. "I'm not easy to get rid of."

He wanted to consider Vader as another person entirely, but he knew that view was dangerous. Allowing himself to be disillusioned might lead him right back to the Dark side. No, Vader was part of him - the very worst part - and Anakin knew all too well why he had become such a monster.

Loss, agony and a heart that refused to mend (so therefore he stopped listening to it) were all factors. With Ahsoka at his side, his heart felt alive and, amazingly enough, he had hope.

"I wouldn't forgive me." he frowned and initiated a longer kiss, pouring the intensity of his feelings into it, "I want to protect you. From everything and especially from myself."

That would be the easy way out. And wasn't the right way. But accepting, then figuring how to live without succumbing...She believed he could do it, if he wanted to enough.

Ahsoka felt her heart leap at the longer, deeper kiss that stole her breath away and was a rather thorough distraction. But she didn't shy from it, pressing into it instead. She would meet him every step of the way.

He'd just have to forgive her if she was a little breathless after such kisses. "Just promise me. You won't protect me from yourself to the point you don't let me in. You aren't alone, Anakin."

If he wanted it enough. If he wanted it enough. Anakin had wanted very little more than this. By finding his balance, he could overcome Vader and even if he encountered Sidious again, there would be no risk.

He had more hope of his success because of her. The kiss warmed him and he wondered how he would ever stop kissing her. She wasn't the only one that was breathless.

"So you foresaw that." he grimaced apologetically, "I've made a mess of things. I'll try my best to not shut you out."

Then he would. And she would be there with him every step of the way as support and encouragement. Sidious couldn't have him again, not with her around.

Ahsoka nudged her nose to his, arms slipping around him again. "I don't need the Force to know you or how you are." Though it helps! "Put a wall between us and I will break it down. Close a door between us, and I will make it open." She relented a little, voice gentling. "I don't ask for perfection. I just want you to try."

"What else can we do?" he smiled, blinking against the suspicious water in his eyes. Anakin Skywalker didn't cry often and especially - usually - not in front of anyone else.

"I'm scared for you."

That part was whispered, hushed and sad, as if he was revealing one of his deepest fears. What if he hurt her like he had hurt Padmé? He needed to be careful, yet she wouldn't like being treated like glass.

"We need to spar often. I want you on top of your game, Snips."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Closed]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

/crawls back here

/snuggles

<33

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject