closed | you were a bright light

[solarcharged]

WHO: Apollo & Midnighter
WHERE: Nonah 001
WHEN: The early hours, early in August
WHAT: The “oh shit, we’re actually dating, aren’t we” talk
WARNINGS: none


The peculiar meteorite rain seems to have brought with it an upswing in stupid native villain bullshit, like April showers and May flowers. It keeps Apollo happily busy, filling his nights with idiots trying to use their new-found powers make a desperate grab for money, or weapons, or drugs, or whatever it is they fancied on any given night. And it’s a good excuse to spend time with Midnighter (not that he needs an excuse) - a shared propensity for creative violence seems to be a staple for Midnighters and Apollos across the multiverse, and Apollo loves how M elevates it to an artform. And Apollo would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy it; not the violence necessarily, but just the sheer animal vitality of fighting alongside someone who Apollo trusts so absolutely as M. Working with Midnighter is like humming an old tune, remembered perfectly even after years and years and years of trying to remember the refrain in solitary silence. The bone-deep rightness of it all is so strangely natural, even with the yawning gap of universes between them, that it catches Apollo at odd moments, leaving him breathless with wonder as he watches Midnighter work out of the corner of his eye.

It’s in the early hours of the morning - Apollo, low on sunlight, Midnighter, his fists bloody - that Apollo finds himself watching the other man with a sidelong glance. Mereorite-enhanced natives (six, an even share of three each) lie in groaning heaps in the 4am moonlight, as Apollo absently folds the villains’ assault rifles into easy thirds. He watches Midnighter thoughtfully and discards the wreckage with a clatter of finality.

“Let’s call it a night...”

They’ve done more than enough and Apollo’s starting to feel that warm, weary, oh-so-human tiredness that comes in the dark hours of the morning. There’s a momentary pause then, seemingly out of nowhere, he suggests:

“Come home with me?”

Four little words for such a significant milestone. Apollo has been meaning to properly show Midnighter around Nonah 001 (M sneaking in with the tickets didn’t count) but there had been something, some strange wooden feeling in the pit of his stomach, that had always stopped him from voicing that invitation out loud. Apollo tries to pretend that he isn’t intensely aware that this is a Development with a capital D as he grins sheepishly in the half-light.

“You’re probably overdue a visit.”

Comments

[heliophilic]

[M leans his forehead against Apollo's hip when the other man doesn't immediately sit down, drawn to the older man like a siren's song, as the waves of emotion crash over him. He knows being with Apollo fills a void he didn't know he had, felt so absolutely right despite his conscience telling him that it was anything but.

And then comes the question that M should have seen coming, given the way the conversation had veered, but didn't. And not just because the fight computer was offline as far as their... whatever this was was concerned].

I'd tell him the truth. Everything that I told the Andrew that was here... only that I met you before I could reconcile with him. [He fights the urge to remind him that Andrew wouldn't be coming back tomorrow, that it seemed only one version of a person could be here at a time, because he knows that's not the point of the question.] I love Andrew, but back home... we're never getting back together again. I burned that bridge too thoroughly. And most people who show up here a second time--they don't remember their first time here. He'd remember nothing about us getting back together, only the fact I betrayed his trust in an attempt to hide my shame in not knowing who I was as a person.

[solarcharged]

[ With M's forehead pressed warmly against his hip Apollo continues to thread his fingers through his cropped mohawk, running thoughtfully through it with slow, gentle, firm strokes. He hears those sacred little words - I love Andrew - and his heart breaks all over again for the other Apollo, accompanied with a fresh wave of guilt. ]

But you fixed it, [ Apollo points out gently. ] That burned bridge - you fixed it here, in this world. You could do it at home too. He forgave you once, of course he'd forgive you again...

[ The reasons not to do this are mounting up. Apollo would hate himself if he didn't voice them here and now. ]

[heliophilic]

[M knows the words Apollo's speaking, but more importantly, he knows the words that the other man isn't. He knows because he has similar unspoken words beneath the surface, words he's afraid to speak out loud.]

I made a conscious choice to break up with Andrew and see other men. Even if--through some miracle--we do get back together, we aren't together now.

And though I regret hurting Andrew the way I did... I don't regret dating anyone else. [Even Prometheus, in his own fucked up way, helped define who M was as a person.]

I'm free to see other people.

[He stares intently at the floor, words unspoken on his end coming dangerously close to the surface.]

[solarcharged]

[ Apollo sighs distantly; this isn't really how he'd wanted this night to go but he knows it's better that they talk about this now, sooner rather than later. The hand running through M's hair stills as Apollo sinks gently back down on the mattress with a wordless hum of thought. It would all be so easy if he could just take M's words and leave it at that, safe in the knowledge that M had a clean (ish) break from Andrew and he's free to see other people. But Apollo has been there - he's lived the other side of that. And he knows that he would be impossibly, monstrously jealous if he were in Andrew's place, broken up or not. ]

I hope he feels the same way. [ He gives M a wry, humourless smile. ] That you're free to see other people.

[ Apollo gets the feeling that if Andrew really is a version of him then he probably doesn't. ]

[heliophilic]

["I was left with an empty apartment and a broken heart because you decided you knew better than me what I want. You turned our relationship into a lie. And then you punished me for it so you could go off and find yourself!" Andrew's words from FanPort two years ago still ring clearly in his mind, the expression on his face as he learned of Cisco's existence from fan comics still etched in his memory.]

No, he doesn't. [He admits, staring off at the far wall.] But I can't change the fact the damage is done, no matter who I'm seeing, whether it's him, you, or anyone else.

[solarcharged]

[ Mm. Apollo didn't think he does. He sees unseeingly past M, trying and failing to imagine how he would feel in Andrew's shoes. ]

I'm not sure if dating another Apollo would make it hurt more or less, [ He confesses quietly. Apollo shakes his head after a moment, reluctantly returning to the problem at hand as his searching, solemn gaze seeks out Midnighter's own. ]

Do you think it's enough of a reason for us not to do this?

[ Not 'do you think he'd be okay with it' because they both know he wouldn't, but 'do you think it's bad enough for us not to'. A whole other kind of question. One he desperately wants the answer to be no. As if either of them could give the other permission to make this transgression. ]

[heliophilic]

[M takes a deep breath, finally looking in Apollo's direction again.]

It isn't Andrew that makes me hesitate.

[As he said, he's single. Regardless of how pissed Andrew may or may not (though definitely would) be should he improbably arrive tomorrow, that didn't change the fact that they were definitively broken up. M wasn't the one with vows and a ring.]

[solarcharged]

Three years, M. [ Apollo reminds him. ] Midnighter has had three years to try and be a part of my life. He's made it painfully clear that he doesn't want to be...

[ Mad or sad? Apollo never knows which way he's going to go over it, every time he thinks about the cavernous gap in his (and Jenny's) life that Midnighter left behind. Some days he could cry, but most days he just feels coldly angry about it all - not the hot, furious snap of rage that Apollo knows he's most guilty of, but an altogether different kind of anger. Freezing, wintery. The very thing he's weakest against. Apollo shakes his head, admitting: ]

I gave up expecting him to come back to me long ago.

[ With that admission he moves, clambering wearily across the mattress to sprawl on top of the covers. He's tired, he's tired of thinking about the missing half of him. The grief is exhausting. He feels grey, inside and out, as he gestures for M to join him. ]

[heliophilic]

[It kills him a bit inside every time Apollo says that. There has to be more to the story... there's no way that anyone would ever willingly give up someone as special as Apollo. But as much as M wants it to be true... a part of him is willing to stop thinking too hard about it... to let himself be caught up in the moment...

The moment where Apollo is saying yes.

He strips off his shirt and lays down beside the older man, curling up against his chest.]

I'm sorry. For him.

[solarcharged]

Me too.

[ Because even after all the anger and all the grief of the past three years, Apollo feels sorry for his husband. The man he once thought he knew is completely lost to him now, and Apollo knows he needs to take some responsibility for whatever it is that pushed him away.

And with M curled up close against his chest it's an automatic reaction for Apollo to wrap him up in his arms, to turn towards him and hold him close, to seek out that skin on skin contact. With the space in his heart that Midnighter used to own now empty, it's all to easy to want M to take that place. He closes his eyes, pressing a heartfelt kiss of something - forgiveness, reassurance, pleading - against M's hair. It feels right, on all levels except the one where he thinks too closely about Andrew. The other other half. But Apollo's shamefully hungry for M's affection, greedy and guilty in equal parts. All he wants is this, the smell and warmth and weight of Midnighter pressed against him, without the burden of another Apollo's furious, fiery judgment bearing down upon them. ]

I think we both need this, [ He murmurs quietly after a moment, his words muffled by M's hair. What he really means is, I think I need you. ]

[heliophilic]

[Ever since Andrew got ported out, M's thought about how he'd have to apologize for his actions over and over again, if he ever got the chance. It was frankly more than a little daunting, being a Sisyphus of his own design. With that threat hanging over him, he was afraid to branch out, was afraid he couldn't, shouldn't branch out and date again.

Whenever M was with Apollo, those thoughts mostly disappeared. Having the older man's arms wrapped around him while he listens to his heartbeat feels so right, like it's where he belonged. He reaches out and runs a free arm through his long silver hair and smiles.]

I'd say we've both already made our decision. [Because frankly, he needs him too.]

[solarcharged]

[ Apollo can't see that smile but he can feel it in Midnighter's voice. And it's contagious; Apollo can't help but grin softly to himself as he buries his face in M's hair, closing his eyes in silent, suppressed joy. His pulse leaps. ]

So we're doing this, [ He whispers incredulously, savouring the feeling of M's hand in his hair. ] We're really doing this.

[heliophilic]

[M places a soft kiss on Apollo's chest.]

We're doing this.

[Even if things go to hell, he's still willing to take that chance.]

[solarcharged]

[ Unbearably lovely as it is, that kiss on his chest so close to his heart isn't enough. With a surge of overwhelming adoration for the man in his arms, Apollo knows that nothing will really ever be enough but that won't stop him from chasing the impossible anyway. ]

Come here.

[ The words are a gentle murmur but there's a hint of an order to it. As if he ever needs to order M to do anything. With warm hands he coaxes M to creep higher, to shimmy gently up Apollo's body so that Apollo can seek out what he really wants - a kiss, desperate to convey all the heartache of their terrible situation through the hungry press of his lips against Midnighter's. ]

[heliophilic]

[When it comes from Apollo, M doesn't mind the occasional order. It might even be... interesting. Heeding his words, he indeed shimmies up so that the older man can kiss him, waiting only a moment before slipping his hands into his hair and returning the kiss in earnest, tangling his legs in Apollo's.

This felt right. It had to be right.]