maskormenacelogs | Step one: you say we need to talk

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Step one: you say we need to talk

WHO: Roxas & Xion
WHERE: His place in Maurtia Falls
WHEN: Prior to dream event stuff really popping off
WHAT: It's time for an important talk about someone they both miss
WARNINGS: Sads :(

[Roxas doesn't want to do this. But he's waited far too long already. It had made sense at first, when Xion had only just arrived and he was still processing the return of lost memories, fitting old with new. He'd had to tell her about too many other awful things, and he knows it hurt her even though they happened to him—telling her what happened to Axel would have been too much too soon.

It would be easier to go on this way. The last thing he wants to do is make her sad again. But Axel wasn't just his best friend—he was Xion's, too, because the three of them were a unit. Inseparable. She has the right to know, and he'd be a bad friend to keep it from her. Maybe he already is, to have stayed quiet this long.

No more, though. His house isn't full of roommates, so Roxas waits until the others aren't around and it's just him and Xion, hanging out like it's just another normal day in this world. He wishes he didn't have to ruin it. Stepping out of the kitchen and into the living room, he offers her one of the two mugs of cocoa he'd been heating up before summoning all his courage.]

Hey Xion? Can we talk about something important?

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[ Something seems... off, about Roxas today. She can't put her finger on it.

He's been different since she came back. Not all the time, not - not when they're together, usually. But sometimes she catches sight of something that wasn't there before. A flash of bitterness, or something that ran deeper. A weariness that he hadn't had before all of this had happened.

Her fault, she knows.

She takes the mug from him - nervous, but they'd promised no more secrets. ]

Of course.

[He sits down next to her and takes a moment to settle himself. Like everything has to be just right for this conversation, except none of it is right, or they wouldn't need to have it.

Probably he wants to delay the inevitable just a little longer. It's got to happen, though. He can already see in her eyes that she knows this isn't is a different kind of talk.]

Um. I'm not sure how to start.

[But it might as well be at the beginning...no, not the beginning. The beginning of the end.]

It's about what happened after I ended up back with Sora's heart. Because I wasn't exactly gone, even if they expected me to be. When he woke up, it was like I was the one who went to sleep, and sometimes I dreamed of what he was doing.

[ She doesn't like where this is going already... but she understands what he means. She'd been sleeping within Sora's heart, aware that time was moving, things were changing, felt the disconnect between herself in the world - right up until Riku had appeared there. ]

I understand what you mean. [ A note of clarification, and then patience as she waits for him to go on. ]

[That gives him pause, and he almost changes course to ask about that, because if even part of her had been there and aware, why had he never sensed her presence? But this talk isn't about that, and she needs to know the truth.]

I'm not sure what exactly Axel did after we said goodbye. Things were pretty hazy for a while. I know he quit the Organization, and I know he met Sora after...after.

[His fingertips brush up against his chest before drifting back down to his lap.]

And when Sora and his friends found a way to the castle, to go after Xemnas, Axel was there too.

[ She already doesn't like the shape of this. Unconsciously her arms come up, cross. One going tight around the arm of the other. ]

There were tons of Dusks there, more than they could take, but Axel protected him...us...and he—

[He lets out a harsh breath. If he doesn't just say it, it'll never come out.]

Xion, Axel's dead.

He...

[ It comes out too soft, too normal. The worst register but the weight of them takes a minute.

He's strong. He's stronger than either of them really know - but she almost destroyed him when they fought, he has limits. He's as breakable as they are if you can overwhelm him, bend him to nothing, if...

If he puts his all into it. If he holds nothing back. He'll break himself to pieces to protect you - even from yourself.

She feels her eyes burn. The hot track of tears, impossible tears. Dear diary, I love Axel and Roxas and her chest clenches with the sharp, sudden pain of loss. ]

He... [ can't be. but roxas wouldn't be telling her if he wasn't sure. ] I can't...

[The quietly wounded sound of her voice is all it takes to break the dam inside him, but it's not just that. It's finally getting to share the grief with someone who understands the magnitude of the loss, who cares.

It doesn't make it easier, because their best friend is still gone; it just makes it impossible to hold back his own tears anymore.]

He took them all out. But it was too much, he started to fade.

[He swipes at his own eyes, remembering the burn of anger mixed with sorrow. It's still there, if he looks.]

That's when I really woke up. But I was still trapped, I couldn't even...couldn't even say goodbye for real...

[ ... ]

... I'm sure he knew.

[ i'll always be there to BRING YOU BACK.

It doesn't make the hurt any less. The loss any less profound. ]

Goodbyes... are more than just words.

[He hopes so. Desperately. But he'll always wonder.]

I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. With everything else we talked about, it just...felt like too much.

[For him? For her? The guilt is there regardless.]

[ She wishes he did. But... ]

Sometimes... it's too hard to talk about. You don't need to apologize.

[ She wipes her eyes. Shutting them. ]

... and if we both made it here after everything, then - I believe that he can too.

Maybe.

[He's not sure. People have said that can happen, but it's hard to believe. He and Xion are here, sure, but they'd been reduced to fragments in someone else's heart. Axel had been reduced to...nothing.]

I really miss him. And I think about what would have happened if we'd all run away back then. [Back when they had the chance.] I know it wouldn't have fixed things, but I wish we had anyway.

Me too.

[ She swipes at her eyes again with the heels of her hands. ]

I don't... I don't think I'll ever stop wondering, what would have happened if I'd done things differently. [ If she'd been honest. If they'd all been honest. ]

People here talk about this place being a second chance, and they're not wrong, but it's not that simple.

[He has no way of knowing whether other imPorts' lives have been easier or harder than his, but he's very sure that none of them have been the same as his.]

I guess it's not that surprising you're the only one who really gets it.

No, it's not.

[ A second chance would be being returned to their own world, being allowed to make things right. No more problems from the past. No more questioning their identity or place in the world.

This is a new world. A new life. One still holding the scars of the old one.]

... I'm glad you told me.

Me too. It feels...a little less like I'm being squeezed inside now.

[And maybe that's selfish—easing his burden while adding to hers. But Roxas thinks she'll understand, and at least now they can do the carrying together.]

[ That's what friends are for, isn't it?

She can't make the same claim. This is something she'll be thinking about moving forward - but she manages a weak smile. ]

No more secrets.

No more. That's the only other thing that happened that matters, but I wouldn't keep anything else from you.

[He's quiet for a moment, still feeling the sadness and solemnity of the moment—wait, he forgot something.]

Oh, and after it happened I attacked Sora from the inside and tried to take over. That's all, though.

[ It's not funny. It's not funny at all.

But she can't help but laugh a little. He's just so matter of fact, and it breaks the tension. A little laugh, she covers her hand with her mouth and smiles faintly. ]

Well... I'm glad you gave him a little heck. [ Even if it's not his fault, at all. ]

[He shouldn't laugh. They shouldn't laugh. It's not funny.

He does anyway.]

Yeah, me too.

[ They'll be fine moving forward. She knows in her heart.

The laughter dies down. The weight of his words is still on her shoulders... but if she's here, despite all odds, then...

Then maybe Axel can find his way here too. ]

Do you want to get some icecream?

[He feels it too. Something like wistfulness plays at his lips as his smile fades into something softer.

They've always been incomplete beings, but here, they're incomplete friends. Roxas thinks maybe this is harder.]

Yeah. Ice cream would be great.

Icecream it is.

[ She gets up, wipes her eyes one final time, and extends her hand to him. ]

[He looks at her for one more moment, then takes her hand as he pushes himself up.]

We'll go together.

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Step one: you say we need to talk

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