[He can’t sleep. The night before had been a good one, sweet and relaxing. Otabek and Yusuke has gone out to a movie and came back to Yusuke’s to spend some time together. Now, it’s early in the morning or very late at night and he has his cheek pressed to Yusuke’s bare stomach. Somehow he’d slipped down in the night and curled around his boyfriend, listening to the soft sound sounds he makes as he sleeps.
It’s soothing, at first. Until Yusuke’s breathing picks up. His chest rising and falling more rapidly, body moving almost restlessly.]
Yusuke?
[Beka tips his face, presses a kiss to Yusuke’s ribs and then pushes up on an elbow.]
Wake up.
[His brows are pinched and the concern is writ in his expression.]
[ One's own death is a difficult thing to deal with.
It's been five months. People don't really talk about that house anymore, at least not in public. Time does its part to fix things, blur the details, soothe the sensations. It gets easier, until it doesn't. Sometimes, still, when Yusuke closes his eyes, he's trapped in that box again, broken and burned body fighting for every breath.
It doesn't usually happen with Yuri or Otabek there. Their presence is a warm comfort, soothing and safe, but tonight, it does. Yusuke is hyperventilating, in a cold sweat, the sound of Otabek's questioning somewhere above him as he finally wakes. His mouth is too dried out to speak, his chest heaving even as the reality that it was only a dream dawns on him. This amazing, patient man is looking down on him with concern, and all he has to give him in return is fear, confusion, guilt.
Nope.
He bolts to his feet to stick his head out the window, hoping the cool air clears his head, makes it easier to breathe. Results are mixed. ]
[Otabek fumbles to the side as Yusuke darts off the bed to the window. He scoots forward and drops his feet to the floor, hands balanced on his knees. He knows everything isn’t okay. Normally he wouldn’t ask. He’d pull Yusuke back in and do whatever he had to do to help Yusuke fall back to sleep. It’s different tonight.]
Don’t apologize.
[Staying where he is for now, in case Tusuke needs the space, he glances over in an attempt to gauge Yusuke’s mood.]
[ Despite Otabek's request, Yusuke says nothing for a few horribly long minutes. His eyes squeeze shut, breathing quick and shallow and agonizing, desperate gulps even though the air is smokeless, cool, and open. It's all in his head. It's all in his head. Pull it together.
He's shaking, gripping the windowsill when he recovers enough to turn to his worried boyfriend, hair sticking to his forehead. ]
[Otabek's frown deepens. He can see for himself that it's not okay. As much as he'd like to keep things between them smooth and unruffled, he doesn't want to let something go that Yusuke really needs his help with. Whether he'll admit it or not.]
I do not believe you, кролик.
[He stands up and then promptly sits back down.]
You have to talk to someone about this. Me. Yura.
[A professional is left unsaid but only because Beka doesn't know Yusuke's feeling on that subject. He just wants his boyfriend to have the care he needs.]
[ He's bristles, trying not to get defensive. It's true, he has, but he found a way to segue into some other topic before it got too uncomfortable. He and Yuri had thrown around the idea of talking to a professional, he just...hasn't. ]
It's not that I mean to exclude you. It's just that he was there.
[ When it happened. He was watching, just as helpless as Yusuke was, probably scarred for life over it. He would be better off if he were just Ported home, where he could get on with his career and forget all about Yusuke and all the trauma adjacent to him. That's not a calming thought, not one he wants to vocalize. So he doesn't. He shuts the window, rubs the goosebumps from his arms, and gets back into bed. ]
Time heals all things, is what they say. It will pass.
[Otabek shakes his head, glancing at Yusuke sharply.]
I don't feel excluded. Do not worry about how I feel right now.
[This wasn't about him. He was involved because he loved Yusuke, but he didn't get to make choices or feel left out just because he wasn't the person that Yusuke felt he needed for this.]
Yusuke..
[He reaches for the blanket at the foot of the bed and climbs back up next to the brunette, laying against his chest and covering them both up.]
I understand if you don't want to talk about it. With me. Or anyone. But I want you to know that I love you and if that I do think it would help if you talked to someone.
I am going to worry about how you feel. You can't tell me otherwise.
[ That's his instinct to be stubborn coming through. It's not an attractive quality, and he knows that just as well as he knows that Otabek is right. So was Yuri. It probably would help, it just seems excessive. Fussier than he needs to be. It's happened to a lot of people, here. It happened to Akira, in the same house. Everyone else is fine. He'll be fine, too.
His arm falls loosely, non-committal behind Otabek's back. Yusuke isn't going to shrug him off, but for some reason, he's not really in a cuddling mood. As much as he does need the affection and support, he can fool himself into thinking otherwise, believing that this, just this, is fine. As long as Beka can't hear or feel his heart beating out of his chest. ]
It is very uncomfortable to talk about, for me. I would prefer to let it pass.
[Otabek can feel that Yusuke doesn’t accept his touch the way that he usually does, body stuff beneath his, a heartbeat moving way too fast for how they just lay here. He inhales slowly, carefully.]
Would that help you? To never speak of it again.
[He’s never been through an experience like Yusuke has. He doesn’t know the pain or confusion it might inspire. The fear. All he can do is try to be supportive and to understand how Yusuke feels so that he can help him.]
I want what is best for you, Yusuke. It is the only reason I talk about this now.
[ He hates that question, because the answer is obvious and makes him sound like an idiot. Probably because he's being stupid about it, but you don't have to call him out on it? ]
No. It won't help.
[ Yusuke shifts awkwardly, halfway to leaning into Beka the way he really wants to. Needs to. It's hard for him to let those kinds of feelings flow freely, if he lets it start, he isn't sure that he can make it stop. He feels so strongly that some things are better off ignored so they don't swallow him entirely. He knows Beka doesn't like that answer. ]
I know you do. It just isn't as easy as finding a problem and solving it. It was random bad luck. It's no tangible enemy, just...powerlessness.
[Beka decides that it's better to get another person's opinion before bringing up a professional that Yusuke can talk to. Instead, he'll see if Yusuke wants to open up to him at all and do his best to comfort him.]
No, I don't think it's easy.
[He considers something briefly and then goes for it - he presses his face to Yusuke's chest and tightens his grip.]
You are feeling a way that won't just vanish. Powerlessness. What else?
[ He takes a deep breath, and then releases it, a bit more receptive this time to Beka's affection. His arm wraps around the other man's shoulders, holding him close, but loosely. Yusuke's eyes, however, are elsewhere, staring holes into any number of paintings hung against the wall. ]
Like I am not in control of myself. Like nothing has truly changed since I was with Madarame, only that the forces that wish to hurt me are even further beyond my control. My fate is being determined by cosmic absurdities and not my own will. There was nothing I could have done to make that end differently.
[ He could have not called Yuri, but he keeps that to himself. Yusuke shifts, gently nudging Otabek off him, but keeping close, so he can see his face rather than the top of his head. ]
Maybe that will never go away, but the nightmares are less frequent. It is better when you're around.
[This time, Beka doesn't move or touch Yusuke anymore than to hold him. No light strokes or playful taps. He's here for him and will only give what Yusuke needs.]
I think it is about balance. There is good. There is bad. Right now, what has hurt you doesn't always outweigh what doesn't. You feel out of control and you do not feel as if you could have done anything to make your past different.
[He lifts his eyes to meet Yusuke's.]
Maybe it won't ever go away but you will learn to get that balance back. You are strong than you think you are, Yusuke.
[Otabek smiles softly.]
I am glad you feel that way. I will be around whenever you need me.
Are you asking me how I feel, or are you telling me?
[ Yusuke makes an annoyed noise and pulls the covers up over his head, a mature and dignified response. He wasn't particularly keen on doing this at all, much less in the middle of the night after another nightmare. Just let him go back to bed. Please. ]
[ He has nothing to be sorry for, but that doesn't make Yusuke any less bothered over it. It isn't rational. Otabek just wants to help, he certainly doesn't deserve to be brushed off like that, and knowing that only makes him feel worse.
Yusuke is silent for a minute, letting the pointless anger leave with awkward, huffy breaths, before scooting closer, not quite touching Beka, with the blanket still over his head. ]
Don't go. Unless you would prefer to. Can we talk about it another time?
[Otabek's body relaxes, a fondness for Yusuke settling over him. He gently touches Yusuke's side again, at least he assumes it's his side with the blanket in the way.]
I don't want to go. And we don't have to talk about any of this.
[It was always up to Yusuke. He said he was concerned and they could drop it until the time came to pick it up again. Otabek scoots over and curls up around Yusuke, not quite touching either.]
[ That. Seems like a reasonable request. He can deal with that. Yusuke pulls the blanket down to his shoulders, face red and hair tousled. What of it? ]
[ Yes. That's the good stuff. Sometimes being pet and getting shown that you're loved is better than talking. Yusuke, a fool, really should do both, but there's one that he obviously prefers. ]
Hi. I'm sorry. Would you just...hold me, for a bit?
[ It's kind of an embarrassing request, but he doesn't feel self-conscious with Beka. What he needs is to not be alone right now, and he's sure the other man isn't going to begrudge him that. ]
[Otabek didn't need an apology. He could only image what Yusuke had gone through and this was all he could offer. A warm presence, comfort, an ear if needed.]
Come here.
[He slides up the bed to get into a better position and then opens his arms for Yusuke to lay against him.]
[A few days after his date with Yusuke, Otabek finds himself in a similar situation with Yuri. Replace the date with skating and Yusuke’s bed with Otabek’s, but the positions are almost the same. Beka has his cheek pressed to Yuri’s stomach, finger tracing the tiger embellishment on his shirt.]
I want to talk about Yusuke.
[His tone is soft but the concern is there.]
I don’t think he’s as well as he says he is. That he might pretend for our sakes.
[ Yuri had been dozing contently, well on the way to actual slumber when Otabek speaks up and draws him back to wakefulness. He grumbles in vague annoyance at first, reaching up to rub the sleep from his eyes and push himself up on an elbow so he can glance down at the other boy. His brow pinches in mild concern once his brain catches up with what Otabek is saying. ]
I don't really think he is either, but...I don't really know what to do about it. I've tried to get him to talk sometimes, but he's stubborn.
[He stays as he is for a few seconds longer, enjoying the comfortable position, and then he pushes over to rest on his side. His eyes flick to Yuri's face.]
So have I.
[Otabek drops his head back against the pillow with a soft sigh.]
But we have to do something for him. There has to be a way.
[And the two of them - they could think of it. They had to.]
[ Yuri nods and reaches over to wind his fingers into Otabek's hair. It's a calming distraction, combing through the strands and working out any tangles he happens to come across. ]
When I talked to him, we talked a little bit about seeing someone... To talk to, you know? But I don't know if he's started or not.
[ There's a startled sputter, and Yuri is sitting up in surprise suddenly, the hand in Otabek's hair going still. ]
What? No. I mean—we can't. Can we?
[ This, even more than the other question, has left him feeling distinctly alarmed. There's too much to miss at home, but it's hard to shake the uneasy worry that they might actually be stuck here now that Otabek has voiced the thought. ]
[ Yuri stays sitting, hunching forward with a growing sense of unease. Otabek isn't wrong, but the idea still leaves an uncomfortable weight in his stomach. ]
I guess... [ Just in case. ] I—I still want to believe we'll go home, but... I don't know. What do you want to do? What plans do you want to make?
[Their lives couldn't be forgotten about, no matter what happened here. It was all very complicated now but he knew that this was something that they should talk about.]
But we should make choices to build a life here. [In case that they don't.] Someday I want us to all live together.
I... [ He frowns and reaches up to fuss with his hair, trying to sort out his thoughts the idea. It makes logical sense, of course, but it's not something he'd ever thought to consider before. ]
That's...sort of what I'm doing with my Bluetube channel. Making enough money to actually live on my own terms here, but... I don't know. It's strange to think about it in plain terms like that. I try not to think about it at all when I can.
[Otabek reaches up to fuss with Yuri's hair, too. Gently flipping the strands around.]
I don't like to think about it.
[He had trouble sometime, when the thoughts would hit him out of nowhere. Remembering everything that was left behind and everything here that might vanish if he was sent back home.]
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maskormenacelogs2018-04-03 11:56 am
yusuke
It’s soothing, at first. Until Yusuke’s breathing picks up. His chest rising and falling more rapidly, body moving almost restlessly.]
Yusuke?
[Beka tips his face, presses a kiss to Yusuke’s ribs and then pushes up on an elbow.]
Wake up.
[His brows are pinched and the concern is writ in his expression.]
no subject
It's been five months. People don't really talk about that house anymore, at least not in public. Time does its part to fix things, blur the details, soothe the sensations. It gets easier, until it doesn't. Sometimes, still, when Yusuke closes his eyes, he's trapped in that box again, broken and burned body fighting for every breath.
It doesn't usually happen with Yuri or Otabek there. Their presence is a warm comfort, soothing and safe, but tonight, it does. Yusuke is hyperventilating, in a cold sweat, the sound of Otabek's questioning somewhere above him as he finally wakes. His mouth is too dried out to speak, his chest heaving even as the reality that it was only a dream dawns on him. This amazing, patient man is looking down on him with concern, and all he has to give him in return is fear, confusion, guilt.
Nope.
He bolts to his feet to stick his head out the window, hoping the cool air clears his head, makes it easier to breathe. Results are mixed. ]
I'm sorry, Beka. I didn't mean to wake you.
[ It's fine this is fine. ]
no subject
Don’t apologize.
[Staying where he is for now, in case Tusuke needs the space, he glances over in an attempt to gauge Yusuke’s mood.]
I want you to talk to me.
[He couldn’t really help if he didn’t know.]
Please.
no subject
He's shaking, gripping the windowsill when he recovers enough to turn to his worried boyfriend, hair sticking to his forehead. ]
A bad dream. It isn't much to talk about.
[ Very convincing. ]
no subject
I do not believe you, кролик.
[He stands up and then promptly sits back down.]
You have to talk to someone about this. Me. Yura.
[A professional is left unsaid but only because Beka doesn't know Yusuke's feeling on that subject. He just wants his boyfriend to have the care he needs.]
no subject
[ He's bristles, trying not to get defensive. It's true, he has, but he found a way to segue into some other topic before it got too uncomfortable. He and Yuri had thrown around the idea of talking to a professional, he just...hasn't. ]
It's not that I mean to exclude you. It's just that he was there.
[ When it happened. He was watching, just as helpless as Yusuke was, probably scarred for life over it. He would be better off if he were just Ported home, where he could get on with his career and forget all about Yusuke and all the trauma adjacent to him. That's not a calming thought, not one he wants to vocalize. So he doesn't. He shuts the window, rubs the goosebumps from his arms, and gets back into bed. ]
Time heals all things, is what they say. It will pass.
no subject
I don't feel excluded. Do not worry about how I feel right now.
[This wasn't about him. He was involved because he loved Yusuke, but he didn't get to make choices or feel left out just because he wasn't the person that Yusuke felt he needed for this.]
Yusuke..
[He reaches for the blanket at the foot of the bed and climbs back up next to the brunette, laying against his chest and covering them both up.]
I understand if you don't want to talk about it. With me. Or anyone. But I want you to know that I love you and if that I do think it would help if you talked to someone.
no subject
[ That's his instinct to be stubborn coming through. It's not an attractive quality, and he knows that just as well as he knows that Otabek is right. So was Yuri. It probably would help, it just seems excessive. Fussier than he needs to be. It's happened to a lot of people, here. It happened to Akira, in the same house. Everyone else is fine. He'll be fine, too.
His arm falls loosely, non-committal behind Otabek's back. Yusuke isn't going to shrug him off, but for some reason, he's not really in a cuddling mood. As much as he does need the affection and support, he can fool himself into thinking otherwise, believing that this, just this, is fine. As long as Beka can't hear or feel his heart beating out of his chest. ]
It is very uncomfortable to talk about, for me. I would prefer to let it pass.
no subject
Would that help you? To never speak of it again.
[He’s never been through an experience like Yusuke has. He doesn’t know the pain or confusion it might inspire. The fear. All he can do is try to be supportive and to understand how Yusuke feels so that he can help him.]
I want what is best for you, Yusuke. It is the only reason I talk about this now.
no subject
No. It won't help.
[ Yusuke shifts awkwardly, halfway to leaning into Beka the way he really wants to. Needs to. It's hard for him to let those kinds of feelings flow freely, if he lets it start, he isn't sure that he can make it stop. He feels so strongly that some things are better off ignored so they don't swallow him entirely. He knows Beka doesn't like that answer. ]
I know you do. It just isn't as easy as finding a problem and solving it. It was random bad luck. It's no tangible enemy, just...powerlessness.
no subject
No, I don't think it's easy.
[He considers something briefly and then goes for it - he presses his face to Yusuke's chest and tightens his grip.]
You are feeling a way that won't just vanish. Powerlessness. What else?
no subject
[ He takes a deep breath, and then releases it, a bit more receptive this time to Beka's affection. His arm wraps around the other man's shoulders, holding him close, but loosely. Yusuke's eyes, however, are elsewhere, staring holes into any number of paintings hung against the wall. ]
Like I am not in control of myself. Like nothing has truly changed since I was with Madarame, only that the forces that wish to hurt me are even further beyond my control. My fate is being determined by cosmic absurdities and not my own will. There was nothing I could have done to make that end differently.
[ He could have not called Yuri, but he keeps that to himself. Yusuke shifts, gently nudging Otabek off him, but keeping close, so he can see his face rather than the top of his head. ]
Maybe that will never go away, but the nightmares are less frequent. It is better when you're around.
no subject
I think it is about balance. There is good. There is bad. Right now, what has hurt you doesn't always outweigh what doesn't. You feel out of control and you do not feel as if you could have done anything to make your past different.
[He lifts his eyes to meet Yusuke's.]
Maybe it won't ever go away but you will learn to get that balance back. You are strong than you think you are, Yusuke.
[Otabek smiles softly.]
I am glad you feel that way. I will be around whenever you need me.
no subject
[ Yusuke makes an annoyed noise and pulls the covers up over his head, a mature and dignified response. He wasn't particularly keen on doing this at all, much less in the middle of the night after another nightmare. Just let him go back to bed. Please. ]
no subject
[In hindsight, he should have done that internally rather than out loud where Yusuke could hear him. Beka lays there, uncertain of what he should do.]
I'm sorry for speaking out of turn. It wasn't my place. [He reaches out to touch Yusuke's covered form and then second guess the action.] Should I go?
no subject
Yusuke is silent for a minute, letting the pointless anger leave with awkward, huffy breaths, before scooting closer, not quite touching Beka, with the blanket still over his head. ]
Don't go. Unless you would prefer to. Can we talk about it another time?
no subject
I don't want to go. And we don't have to talk about any of this.
[It was always up to Yusuke. He said he was concerned and they could drop it until the time came to pick it up again. Otabek scoots over and curls up around Yusuke, not quite touching either.]
Will you come out again?
no subject
no subject
Hi.
no subject
Hi. I'm sorry. Would you just...hold me, for a bit?
[ It's kind of an embarrassing request, but he doesn't feel self-conscious with Beka. What he needs is to not be alone right now, and he's sure the other man isn't going to begrudge him that. ]
no subject
Come here.
[He slides up the bed to get into a better position and then opens his arms for Yusuke to lay against him.]
yurio
I want to talk about Yusuke.
[His tone is soft but the concern is there.]
I don’t think he’s as well as he says he is. That he might pretend for our sakes.
[And that worries him.]
no subject
I don't really think he is either, but...I don't really know what to do about it. I've tried to get him to talk sometimes, but he's stubborn.
no subject
So have I.
[Otabek drops his head back against the pillow with a soft sigh.]
But we have to do something for him. There has to be a way.
[And the two of them - they could think of it. They had to.]
no subject
When I talked to him, we talked a little bit about seeing someone... To talk to, you know? But I don't know if he's started or not.
no subject
It might be hard but we should talk to him about it again.
[He only wanted the best for Yusuke and he could do difficult discussions if necessary.]
It can't be easy for him, after what he went through. [His eyes flit to Yuri.] Or you.
no subject
We're talking about Yusuke now. And I agree, we should talk to him again if he's not seeing someone yet.
no subject
Alright, then we will do that soon.
[There wasn't really anything else to say about that, he didn't assume.]
Do you believe that we will be here permanently?
no subject
What? No. I mean—we can't. Can we?
[ This, even more than the other question, has left him feeling distinctly alarmed. There's too much to miss at home, but it's hard to shake the uneasy worry that they might actually be stuck here now that Otabek has voiced the thought. ]
no subject
I don't know. [He lays his head back down.] It isn't our decision, is it? Everything that happens here is controlled by them.
[Coming here. The fighting. He assumed leaving would as well.]
Maybe we will eventually have the option. Maybe we won't. I think we should make plans for if we do not.
no subject
I guess... [ Just in case. ] I—I still want to believe we'll go home, but... I don't know. What do you want to do? What plans do you want to make?
no subject
[Their lives couldn't be forgotten about, no matter what happened here. It was all very complicated now but he knew that this was something that they should talk about.]
But we should make choices to build a life here. [In case that they don't.] Someday I want us to all live together.
Maybe open a music store.
HOLY WHAT HOW DID I LOSE THIS THREAD THIS LONG
That's...sort of what I'm doing with my Bluetube channel. Making enough money to actually live on my own terms here, but... I don't know. It's strange to think about it in plain terms like that. I try not to think about it at all when I can.
no subject
I don't like to think about it.
[He had trouble sometime, when the thoughts would hit him out of nowhere. Remembering everything that was left behind and everything here that might vanish if he was sent back home.]
We don't have to talk about this.
no subject
...It's worth thinking about, but...maybe later. When we're not worrying about Yusuke.