maskormenacelogs | Searching for Answers

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Searching for Answers

WHO: Luke and Kylo
WHERE: Kyber Crystal Cave at Maurita Falls
WHEN: Late night
WHAT: Luke tries meditation in order to find some answers to the problems plaguing his family. It goes about as well as expected.
WARNINGS: TBD

[ Luke took a deep breath as he stepped into the hidden cave at the Falls, feeling his unease reflected back at him from inside. Han and Leia were missing for a whole week now, and he was beginning to think that no, they wouldn't be coming back. It made his stomach twist and his heart hurt; he'd been used to having his two best friends around for this long, that the thought of them gone was hard to process. ]

[ He walked to the back of the cave, stopping before the cluster of kyber crystals that had been left to grow after being wished into existence. Luke wasn't sure how they were continuing to thrive; maybe in response to the Force users around? He didn't know; he barely understood how they worked as it was. ]

[ It was a moment before he reached out, his hand brushing against the crystals, feeling a faint tingle just under his skin at the contact. ]

...please help me.

[ Luke paused a moment, feeling a little silly talking to what was essentially a rock, but... at least it was a semi-sentient rock? ]

I need answers, but I need help to find them.

[ He had no idea if he was heard or even understood, but the crystals were light-oriented anyway. If they didn't understand, they should at least get his intentions once he started. Luke plopped down in front of the cluster, crossing his legs and resting his hands on his knees as he took a deep, steadying breath. He allowed his conscious mind to slip into the Force as he drifted off into meditation and... as usual, it was a mess. Flashes of faces he knew and didn't know flew by him, the cold of space, the heat of fire; it was a chaotic whirlwind of light and sound and he found himself lost in it. ]

[ Hours passed, and Luke's light radiated in the Force for miles around him, very easily felt by anyone who was even slightly Force sensitive. ]

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[ It was really getting tiresome. Kylo hadn't realised just how much he had missed the complete absence of that presence in the Force until arriving here- Luke's existence was a constant irritant. Like salt in a wound.

He tolerated it for what felt like hours until finally he could take no more- getting up, snatching up Anakin's lightsaber and stalking towards that cave where he knew his uncle would be. If Luke was so desperate for a confrontation, Kylo would give it to him.

Even if it was increasingly uncomfortable to approach that light. He scowled as he reached the cave, bellowing into its depths furiously. ]

Enough!

[ Luke didn't respond; in fact, from the outside, it looked more like he was frozen in place, his face scrunched up in intense concentration. ]

[ Inside, though, he was still a mess, trying to sort through the information that was pouring out at him. It was sickening to the point he felt like he was going to either throw up or pass out, but he still held on, hoping to the stars that something would start to make sense. ]

[ And then suddenly, everything snapped into focus, but it was all buried in a deep, dark void. He wanted to pull away, knowing that nothing in that darkness could be anything good. But it was the only thing so far that had made any kind of sense, too... ]

[ Luke bit his lip, before trying to stretch his hand out toward it, trying to grab for some kind of answer. ]

[ Kylo's fury and pain spilled out of him- thick and poisonous, almost as if polluting the Force around him as he stalked towards his uncle.

He could feel him, reaching, grasping-- he slammed his anger into Luke's awareness like a blow to the face, demanding he back down. ]

It doesn't belong to you!

[ Luke let out a loud gasp as a wave of darkness suddenly hit him, and he found himself pitching forward, back in the cave with the faintly glowing crystals above him. It took him a moment to figure out that he's been forced out of the meditation, staring at the wall in confusion, before turning back. ]

...Kylo?

[ He was still a bit disoriented, if the way he was blinking at him was any indication. ]

[ Kylo seethed. He felt... violated, somehow- his pain was, in so many ways, his most treasured possession, and the absolute last person he wanted anywhere near it was Luke Skywalker. ]

Do you think you are entitled to it?

[ He was trying to force his voice back down into a steady rumble of fury rather than the trembling, barely contained scream of an animal having its wounds probed and prodded, but it was difficult. Possibly, too difficult. ]

My pain?

[ His fingers curled into tight fists- his grip so fiercely tight it felt as if his knuckles would burst through the skin. ]

Do you think you are owed-- that even if I tell you I want nothing of you, it is your right--

I-I...

[ In that moment, Luke really looks his age: younger than Kylo by quite a few years, with experience that was far different from the man he knew before. He looked up at him, breathing hard and trying to reorient himself after being stuck in one position for so many hours. ]

...I just wanted to understand.

Do you think I don't know that?

[ Scorn poured into his voice as he stared down at this... boy, Luke was practically a boy here. No older than he himself had been. Younger.

Weak. Pathetic. Useless. ]

I know. I know it burns in you. And it should. I hope it burns you hollow. I hope it sits in your heart like acid.

[ Luke takes a moment to get his breath back, sitting upright a bit better. ]

Kylo, I keep trying to reach you, I keep trying to tell you that I don't mean you harm, but no matter what I do, you won't let me in. I had to try something; something to help me understand why.

It doesn't even occur to you. Does it.

[ He hissed the words, pure fury boiling through him as he stared at Luke. He hated him. He hated him so violently he could hardly breathe. ]

If I won't let you in, that is the answer. I don't want you. Whether you mean me harm or not. Do you think I care? Do you think it matters to me what you want?

You took everything from me. No more. You get nothing more.

But why?

[ Annoyance crossed Luke's face at that, and he struggled to his feet, bracing himself against the wall. ]

Why would I do that? That isn't something I, as I am now, would ever do. So why?!

I don't know!

[ It wasn't what he meant to shout. It wasn't what he meant to do at all. But it burst out of him- a boiling, seething mass of rage and raw, desperate pain, slamming outwards like a shockwave. It left Kylo standing at the epicentre with his shoulders heaving.

Confusion and hurt, loss, betrayal.

He shook with it, barely able to form words. ]

Stay. Out. Of my way.

[ ...he didn't...? ]

[ Luke backed off, at a loss for words. He had been hoping that whatever had happened had been because something set him off. A small part of him even hoped that it was something Kylo did. But he could sense the loss and the anger, deep and painful, long before he felt it slamming outward, causing him to stumble back a moment. ]

[ Luke stared again, before he reached out, grabbing for whatever arm was in reach on Kylo. ]

Tell me, Kylo. Or show me, I don't care which. Please; let's end this.

Edited 2018-03-11 22:55 (UTC)

You don't know. You really don't know.

[ He sounded almost incredulous. Bitter. It almost began to touch the wild inferno inside, seeing him struggle like this. It felt good, just that taste of pain revisited, turned back.

It was the least he deserved.
And it would never be enough. Never.

He shook Luke's grip off viciously. ]

It doesn't end. It never ends.
And if I have to suffer it. So do you.

[ Dammit, Kylo; he was so focused on his own suffering and holding onto it, that he didn't see... or maybe didn't want to see that he had opportunities to let it go. ]

[ Luke pursed his lips in annoyance, but didn't let go of Kylo until he decided to. ]

Then the only thing I can see, is that you don't want to stop suffering. Because you're afraid of having nothing else left.

Enough!

[ He snapped it furiously. ]

You know nothing. You are owed nothing. You have nothing to offer me.
My past is mine. If you want it, you will have to take it-- and if you do?
If you steal it from me because you cannot bear being left in the dark?

I will never forgive you for it.
Never.

I can't try to fix this if I know nothing!

[ He was angry now, actually angry; it was clear just looking at him, never mind how it felt in the Force. His anger wasn't like Leia's or Anakin's though; it was a cold thing, slow to light but crawled under one's skin and clawed at one's very bones once it was ignited. ]

I've been left in the dark my entire life because of outright lies or half-truths from a different perspective. Now you claim to be in pain because of me, only to turn around and not even give me that much?!

I will give you nothing.

[ He glared straight back at that anger- he wasn't afraid of it. Let Luke rage at him. Let him. He wanted it. ]

What you did can't be fixed. It can't be undone or avoided. It is. It happened. This is one time you don't get to play saviour. Hero. No. Not this time.

[ Luke could feel the rage bubbling in him; now that it started all he could feel was the cold, the need to smack his nephew down to his proper place. His expression hardened moving to raise his hand and-- ]

[ This is why. ]

[ As soon as the realization struck him, the anger dissipated, leaving behind confusion mixed with an intense feeling of dread. For a moment, he felt disoriented, like he had felt this way before but... no, it wasn't him. It was Kylo, like he was expecting to see his rage, his hatred. ]

[ Like seeing Luke angry was all he knew. ]

[ A cold feeling settled in the pit of his stomach, as with it came the realization that no... this, all of this, would be his fault. That somehow, he was responsible for Kylo coming to be -- he didn't know how yet, but the realization that yes, this was all his fault was so strong in the Force, he couldn't just deny it. ]

Kylo...

[ His voice came out a pained whisper, and for a moment, he wanted very strongly to grab him in a hug. But the sense that affection would actually make matters worse hit him before he could even take a step, so he backed off instead, letting out a faint breath. ]

I... don't believe that. I believe... I can feel that you have certain expectations of me, a thing you want me to be.

[ He shook his head. ]

But I'm not that. And you don't know what to do with that.

Edited 2018-03-22 02:14 (UTC)

[ He felt it- the shift, the change- Luke's rage dissolving into... confusion. Pain.
And somehow, it felt distantly familiar...
And in that instant his own rage faltered, simmering down from the wild, vicious fury of just moments before and settling under his skin like static.

When he spoke again his voice was thick with bitterness. ]

I don't care if you believe it. It happened. I lived it. I survived it. I overcame it.
Seeing you like this changes nothing. It only robs me of my chance to confront my enemy.

Did you really over come it?

[ If he was so over it, it wouldn't be eating away at him like it had been... pretty much since the day they met up again. They had periods were they were agreeable, but then whatever he had done to him would surface again, and it would be this again and again. ]

[ He spread his arms then. ]

I'm right here. I'll become what you hate so much. Why are you bothering to hesitate? If you were so over it, if you were so dark, you'd love the opportunity to kill me over and over again, no matter if I don't remember it or not.

[ He is tempted. Sorely. If only to test the theory he already believes to be true- that destroying this half-completed copy of his uncle will bring him no release.
Or simply to smother the arrogant belief of Luke's- that he knows Kylo better than he knows himself.

But ultimately, he doesn't move for his weapon. ]

Killing you here would gain me nothing worth the cost. And you know it.
You aren't my uncle. Just as she isn't my mother. You are shadows. Nothing more. And you have nothing to give me.

Really?

[ Luke rested his hands on his hips then, shifting his stance to make it almost look like he was looking down at Kylo, never mind he was much shorter. ]

You sound more like you're trying to convince yourself of that.

[ He paused. ]

Or you already know, and you're just trying to make yourself as unlikable as possible, so you can wallow in your own self misery alone.

Do you really believe I care whether or not you like me?

[ His tone took on an edge of withering contempt- thick, heavy rolls of hatred pouring out of him as he stared at Luke. His young, naive, foolish face. How dare he believe himself worthy of Kylo's pain. His trust. How dare he. ]

None of this is about me. It's all about you. Your need to be liked. Your need to be accepted. Your need to feel in control of your own destiny. Your need to believe yourself a good person.

You're not. You're not wise, or kind, or understanding. You're a fraud. You're a liar, a fool and a hypocrite, so desperate to be my saviour you can't see the obvious. Find someone who wants your help. I've had more than enough of it.

[ Luke was silent, taking in his words with a faint smile touching his lips. Like he didn't know he wasn't wise; he was barely over twenty, living in a galaxy where everything was constantly changing in endless war. Just that part alone made him want to ask if he was talking about him, or his future self, nevermind he knew the answer to that. Instead, he held his tongue, contemplating the full scope of his nephew's words, reminded briefly of how Obi-Wan had tried to explain his response about his father had been from a certain viewpoint. ]

[ This was more than point of view, however, though he was certain it had a hand in it. This was expectation versus reality; these were things Kylo had expected his future self to be, but the reality was... something else. He didn't have the full scope of it because Kylo just wouldn't tell him, but the fact that he was betrayed by that reality was obvious. ]

[ He let out a breath, sliding his hands into his pockets. Well, he came here for answers, he just hadn't anticipated them being right in his face. ]

I have no desire to be anyone's savior; that's too much of a burden for any one person to hold. I just want to be your family.

[ He paused, shrugging lightly. ]

But despite everything, I'm only human.

[ He moved to leave then, careful not to bump against Kylo on the way out. ]

[ He'd never been more tempted to run Luke through. That smug, self-congratulatory smile practically begged him to do it.

But he'd got what he wanted, hadn't he? Luke wasn't going to be keeping him up with his futile efforts to grasp at understanding any longer, and he was more certain than ever that he lacked the ability to give him what he wanted. There could be no resolution here.
And why should there be? Their final confrontation was fixed and foreordained, locked into place on the mineral moon of Hux's memory. That was when this would end. Anything attempted here would be meaningless.

So he didn't bother to respond. He wouldn't be baited or goaded.
He waited for Luke to leave, itching for the wild frenzy of a weapon in his hand. ]

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