Padme Amidala (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
functusofficio) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
maskormenacelogs2018-02-03 02:31 am
functusofficio) wrote in maskormenacelogs2018-02-03 02:31 am
Entry tags:
(closed) only got bad things on my mind
WHO: Kaneki & Padme
WHERE: Maurtia Falls Ambassador's Office
WHEN: Afternoon nowish
WHAT: They have a few things to discuss, in terms of some of his friends.
WARNINGS: None immediately, will change if it does.
[ Padme would say it wasn't something she was concerned about at all, Yusuke mentioning Kaneki's closeness with Dooku, but that would be inaccurate. She trusts Kaneki and is certain of his good intentions, but it seems like perhaps it might be time for a frank talk about her knowledge of Dooku before.
While she doesn't think what has happened before should be dragged into here in terms of consequences, it is still dangerous to interact with people such as Dooku without more background, even one that is as biased as hers is.
He can be trusted to take that bias as part of the knowledge, she believes. So when he arrives for their meeting, her schedule is cleared for a little while, Padme dressed fairly casually for her, clearly comfortable with seeing him. ]
I'm so glad you could make it.
WHERE: Maurtia Falls Ambassador's Office
WHEN: Afternoon nowish
WHAT: They have a few things to discuss, in terms of some of his friends.
WARNINGS: None immediately, will change if it does.
[ Padme would say it wasn't something she was concerned about at all, Yusuke mentioning Kaneki's closeness with Dooku, but that would be inaccurate. She trusts Kaneki and is certain of his good intentions, but it seems like perhaps it might be time for a frank talk about her knowledge of Dooku before.
While she doesn't think what has happened before should be dragged into here in terms of consequences, it is still dangerous to interact with people such as Dooku without more background, even one that is as biased as hers is.
He can be trusted to take that bias as part of the knowledge, she believes. So when he arrives for their meeting, her schedule is cleared for a little while, Padme dressed fairly casually for her, clearly comfortable with seeing him. ]
I'm so glad you could make it.
no subject
It's always a pleasure to meet you, Padme.
[ carefully, he hands her the sweets ] I hope you'll like them. They are rice cakes from my country; I made them this morning.
no subject
That was very kind of you, thank you. I'm sure I'll enjoy them.
[ Setting them on the table within easy reach as she gestures at where she has water boiling. ]
I can make tea or coffee, if you would like either.
Please, feel free to sit. I would not wish you uncomfortable.
no subject
kaneki sits down as offered, watching the woman for a moment ] How have things been as ambassador. A lot of work, I imagine.
no subject
So far it's mostly been a great deal of familiarizing. The work will come once I know all the tools and the means I have to do it, though some has already begun.
I enjoy it, though. To have a challenge and purpose again is fulfilling.
Indeed, some people have already brought me some very interesting information on the Constellation.
no subject
I'm glad to hear. [ that she finds it fulfilling. ]
Oh? It seems so many are interested in the group. I've always wondered why such a big concern about them specifically. [ specially when there are others which also should leave many concerns. Tony Stark comes to mind (though he doesn't stay anonymous, but Mr Stark sure enjoys stardom), and recently the Justice League. ]
What did you find?
no subject
But I was hoping you might be able to help shed some light on matters, if you are indeed familiar with Count Dooku.
no subject
he takes a sip of his coffee, before he nods ] If I can help. There were some matters I was asked to keep a secret, but if I can help with anything else - sure.
no subject
He is a figure I have great familiarity with in my own world, but of his time here I have only public record, and that has never been of much help back home. But it seems the two of you are close acquaintances, perhaps?
no subject
[ kaneki sees him as a mentor, he never hid that. And the reason for it was because Dooku was never scared of him. Instead, he reassured Kaneki he wasn't in the wrong, that he wasn't weak, and that he could protect the ones he loved. He taught him control and taught him power. ]
You aren't on good terms with him, I know that.
no subject
[ She pauses at that last statement, considers how to answer it. ]
There are old wounds from my world between us, yes. He was responsible for the death of quite a few in my world, many of them my friends, and a few times nearly my own death. It is something I have attempted to leave there, though I will be the first to say I do not think he and I can ever be friends.
[ The straightforward response, or as much of one as she can be expected to give for him. There is surprisingly little rancor in it, though there's a harsh bite behind the word 'friends'. ]
Despite that, I do sincerely hope that he has moved on from the actions that led down that path while he is here. [ She'll leave it there, for the time being. ]
no subject
before that specific event, I had hurt others before, also because I was out of control. [ nevermind that every event had an underlying reason as to why Kaneki lost it. ]
I don't deserve any sort of admiration. [ he speaks with a serious face and tone; even though he bluntly exposed this information, almost coldly, it wasn't because he doesn't feel remorse for the act but because Kaneki believes he should be called on what he does. So he calls himself out.
The one person who hates Kaneki the most is Kaneki Ken himself. And so he will cruelly expose his own wrong doings. ]
Count Dooku came to me and offered me help to control myself. He taught me meditation, he taught me self-control. And he has offered me good advice and words I needed to hear. [ kaneki shakes his head softly ] I don't know how he was like in your world. And I know a man has enemies for a reason. But I can not ignore all the kindness he has shown me.
no subject
Regardless, no one I have spoken to harbors a memory of it that would cause them to speak ill of you. At least to my knowledge.
[ It's almost brisk. She's become quite aware, at this point, of Kaneki's tendency to denigrate himself, and she will be having no part in it or in him loathing himself. ]
You hold on to the things you consider terrible about yourself far longer than is healthy and far longer than others do.
[ And she's moving on, after that. Padme is not a psychologist or a counselor - she doesn't know how to fix that about Kaneki, but she will not let it pass without pointing it out. ]
If he has truly helped you, I am glad for it. I assume the specifics of how he has are personal, and I will not ask to pry into them. [ She pauses, considering. ] It does give me some insight -- not that details would not give me more, but he has always been a difficult person to find information on.
If he taught you the meditation of the Jedi, and you find yourself needing refreshers or companions in the future, there are several other Jedi here who might be able to provide that aid as well. Should Dooku become unable to.
[ For no real reason. Of course. ]
no subject
... I'm normal. [ said with much certainty, surely ]
Hm. Well, I'm certain. [ that Jedis could help sure. But Kaneki is not about to expose himself to strangers and truthfully? He doesn't actually know many Jedi. And the ones he does know aren't exactly close to him. ]
What do you plan on doing with information on the Count?
no subject
[ There's a strong reproof in that, an answer to his "I'm normal". She understands his dislike of himself by now, to an extent, but it is not something she will countenance.
That last question she weighs for a long time, considers the extent to which she wants to answer it truthfully. ]
May I consider us under the same moratorium of shared confidences that you have with Dooku? That nothing I say to you here will be shared outside of this room in any way?
no subject
Certainly. I have no intention to tell others what I've spoken to you about in private.
no subject
[ She pauses, considers how to answer the question. ]
At the moment, nothing. But I have been given access to information that clearly demonstrates he was involved in illegal activities. I had hoped he had moved beyond that, here.
[ Her sigh is audible and sad. ] I genuinely had hoped for that, Kaneki. It would have made everything more simple.
But if he has not, and if I find sufficient proof that he has been actively involved in illegal activities, my choice will be, of course, to provide that information to the relevant authorities and ensure he does not continue it.
I admit, part of this conversation was my curiosity as to how he could have convinced you to be his friend so thoroughly.
no subject
Dooku's illegal activities translate in him wanting to make a move against the government. Kaneki is very well aware of that, but he never really questioned them because he is the kind of person who prefers to turn a blind when it comes to people he likes ]
I see. I will not try to push you away from that path, and I'm certain the Count knows perfectly way the risks of his actions, regardless of my relationship with him.
I'm not really much of help, though.
no subject
[ She considers, looks at him for a long moment. The conversation has also, she finds, given her some insight into Kaneki himself that she is not sure he himself realized he was giving her. It is not anything she has the necessary skill to deal with - her experience lies in the realms of politics. While she can be good with people, Kaneki is a reclusive person and one she thinks it would be difficult to crack the shell of truly.
It does not mean she is not privately resolving to do what she can. ]
May I ask if you have any outside evidence that truly indicates that others think as poorly of your as you do of yourself? It seems foolish to me to insist that others should or would turn away from you when the opposite has been evidenced.
no subject
He pauses at the question though, staring back at Padme for what feels like a hour but it's but a second - and then he looks away, reaching for his own chin, touching it softly. He hums for a second, trying to find the right words, always careful not to give away on just how... well, messed up he really is ]
Others don't really think poorly of someone they don't truly know. [ he smiles a little ] I.... realize most don't really know me. Which is perhaps for the best. [ not "perhaps". It IS for the best. If Kaneki didn't hide, they'd all leave. They'd leave him and he'd be alone and even more miserable than he already is. So he hides and pretends to be perfect. ] I think it's the best for everyone, really.
no subject
[ She raises an eyebrow at him, the sort that seems unimpressed by that front. ]
You do realize, Kaneki, that you routinely contradict yourself on this matter?
Regardless -- I think you are entirely wrong on both fronts. That people do not truly know you, and that it is best for people that they do not. It is something you should bear in mind, before assuming what other people's opinion of you is or is not.
no subject
He pauses as Padme calls him on his feelings. he can only look to the side, at this point. Kaneki doesn't think he is worthy of being cared for and loved unless he goes to extraordinary lengths to be perfect for others - which means he has to lie, because Kaneki has such little regard for himself that he simply can't see any good in him, so he has to pretend to be good instead. ]
... Queen Amidala. [ he uses her title and last name as an attempt to put some distance. His voice grows a bit colder too and he looks back at her ] I killed my best friend. I killed one of my friend's whole family. I sent one of my children to a suicide mission and after his death, I blamed another of my kids for not being able to save him. [ instead of blaming himself like he should have, because it WAS his fault ]
And I used the old excuse "I was told to do it" to justify it all.
I am not a good person.
no subject
Many of us here have done terrible things, Kaneki. What you have done is clearly something that weighs on you heavily, that you regret.
Does someone with no conscience or consideration for others regret such actions?
[ She shakes her head slightly. ] I think at some point, you will have to make a decision. Whether to respect more the kindness and consideration you show others here and strive to continue on that path, or whether to wallow in your self loathing for the terrible things you have done.
It is hard to do both.
no subject
Nothing went right, he just made everything worse. Does that justify things because he had good intentions? Plus, many of those intentions were just to mask his own selfish feelings. He didn't do things out of the goodness of his heart, he did them because he wanted others to love him and care for him.
And yet, when they do, kaneki can't stand it and tries to push them away. it's contradictory, but he feels bad for lying to others, for tricking them into believing kaneki is something he isn't ]
no subject
But that is something for you to determine for yourself, I suppose. Though I might recommend that you speak to someone else more qualified than myself for such a debate.
[ She makes a slight gesture of her hand. ]
But that would require you to be entirely honest.