maskormenacelogs | if you court this disaster, i'll point you home [OTA]

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if you court this disaster, i'll point you home [OTA]

WHO: Cassian Andor and YOU?
WHERE: De Chima 003, De Chima forest, Neojedha - Maurtia Falls, anywhere
WHEN: anytime after Jyn's back
WHAT: Catch-all log
WARNINGS: Same old same old… plus headcanon up the whazzoo (Always mutual/approved). A few prompts still in progress!

[ OTA: ]

[ Neojedha, Maurtia Falls ]

Cassian didn't announce his return. He just showed up again thinking he might participate in the class. He didn't necessarily want to take it back over when the kids had been doing a great job self-teaching. The moment they saw him, though, there was an explosion of talking and cheering and questions… not a hug pile because no one was sure Cassian would allow that, and he looked still kind of hurt… but, yep, a handful of hugs anyway.

Then, the kids just naturally kept configuring themselves around him. Even though Cassian kept throwing the focus and authority back to the ones who'd been doing the instructing before, with cheerful stubbornness, they just handed it back to him.

So it would be a while before he was doing the full on demonstrations again… but somehow he was teaching again, slipping back into it more easily, and with far more welcome, than he would have guessed.

[ De Chima: forest ]

Cassian had spent weeks sedated, barely moving, and barely eating. He needed to work his way back up to even walking painlessly. So he'll be in the woods every day, rebuilding his stamina, restoring strength and flexibility, and… just getting his head back into the thing of being alive.

[ anything anywhere else! ]

[ Bespoke prompts: ]

Kaytuesso
Bodhi Rook
Poe Dameron

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After Cassian first took custody of the impounded imperial unit, rebooted and reprogrammed it, he had to prove to his superiors and the rest of the Alliance that they should let him keep Kaytu (a) at all and (b) as his partner. It wasn't just about security—the concerns of giving Kay access to Cassian's own sensitive workload. It wasn't just about safety—proving the reprogram had worked and wouldn't easily revert, as was always the paranoia especially with those who didn't trust droids no matter what. It was also about overcoming psychological aversion. Many found it hard to tolerate the killdroid's presence, his mere existence, with the Clone Wars still in living memory.

They achieved it by having Kaytu, very publicly, finish Cassian's physical rehabilitation. (With the added justice/irony that Cassian's extreme injury, sustained on a solo mission that would usually be conducted with backup, had been the reason Draven ordered he find a partner in the first place.) What could be more convincing, tactically and psychologically: give Kaytu every opportunity to harm Cassian—indeed, make it hard for Kay not to; it could be excused as inevitable, Cassian's fault not Kay's… yet show that Kay would not. Show that Kay took extreme care and did a lot of work, to a significant extent (if you believed it possible) by his own choice. To heal, to care for, Cassian, rather than incapacitate/kill him.

It had worked. And though Cassian had been determined it be a one-off, Kay's intended functions would be primary and he would not be relegated to undesigned caretaking support from then on… of course it had happened a few times more.

Cassian needed to rehab again. It would be a gentler process than Kay had helped him with before—no post-op physio or bonding bone grafts. More like the upkeep Kay had helped Cassian make work in cramped low-gravity quarters: keep muscle mass and bone density and full flexibility over protracted periods in hyperspace, so Cassian could run and fight immediately planetside.

He wasn't stuck on a tiny ship this time. He didn't necessarily need Kay's help. And it was hard to ask for it. He'd taken so much this past month without being there for Kay in return. He'd been a terrible friend.

…but part of what he'd been terrible about was not allowing the others in. Not accepting company or help for too long.

So… he knocks on Kay's door and waits, propped against the jamb.

The door opens, and Kay doesn't seem to be doing much, but that might be because it doesn't look like much when one is accessing the internet from their mind.

"Hello Cassian. You seem to be doing better. " They can thank Jyn's return for that.

Thanks to Jyn and Kay and Poe and everyone except Cassian himself.

Cassian responded to the observation with a smile. Genuine, but a bit tense.

"I was wondering if we could do something. Doesn't have to be now. But something… you know. Could do with company working myself back to shape… or something… you wanted."

Really, anything other than Kay purely keeping Cassian alive without Cassian giving anything back.

"I want you better," Kay responds bluntly, leaving his room, and already heading for the main living room space.

"And I..." He stops himself, only for a moment, obviously weighing options, and then continues. "I would like to talk to you about something as well. Now would be a good time to do both your therapy and my conversation."

Edited 2018-01-08 04:38 (UTC)

It was so much like so many old times, so normal (for them) that Cassian almost laughed. He didn't, to avoid misunderstanding, but his slight smile was already doing wonders, transforming his face back from the gaunt shell it had been this past month. (Always thanks to Kay.)

"Thanks," said Cassian, falling into step behind him. "Of course. Lead the way."

Even if Cassian did laugh there... he would understand. In this moment, he understands the feeling of 'relief.' It isn't as visible on him as it is on a human, but he's very relieved this conversation is even happening.

He leads the way, to the carpeted part of the floor in the living room.

"And if you're asking me for help again that means you're well enough for critique. You're 17% underweight, and although I don't have any recent blood samples, I'd assume very deficient in iron, if not a variety of other vitamins. I suggest taking supplements, unless you want me cooking for you, and that is a threat as much as it is a promise."

He gestures to the carpet.

"Here's fine."

How often did he know he didn't really have to say this because he knew how Kay would respond, but he still… oh, hell. Cassian went where Kay indicated… but paused, turning to put his hand to Kay's arm.

"I'll take any help—and critique—you'll give. …I've also taken a lot already. Without…

"I wasn't good to you. I'm sorry."

"Good." That he's taken the initiative to start taking care of himself again.

Kay stops at the touch, and looks down at his partner.

He'd been beginning to focus on what physical therapy techniques to start with, as well as what words to say to bring up the discussion about Skeets and related feelings, he hadn't been paying full attention to the emotional shift in Cassian.

"Yes, you were fairly terrible."

His tone a bit softer now: "But you were also grieving to what you thought was the permanent loss of someone you deeply love. I can't blame you for that, when I know that I have a very high chance of reacting in a similar self-destructive manner, if you disappeared."

Maybe that was too much. Kay looks away for a second. "Sit here. We should start with stretches."

Cassian didn't know what to say. Kay would have let him get away with not responding. Cassian didn't want to get away with that.

you never stopped mattering
even though
i've never deserved you

Words were garbage, but…

He'd follow ~~orders~~ instructions. But first, still holding Kay's arm, Cassian touched his forehead to the droid's chestplate.

It’s never been a thought on his radar, to think Cassian doesn’t deserve him. Of all the selfish thoughts he’s had, he’s never had one that was along the lines of ‘I’m better than this. Than him.’

The hug comes to him easier as a droid than it did as a human. Humans were so sensitive, something he wasn’t used to, to have every touch be something that gave him immediate feedback. Touch as a droid was fairly limited, and mostly came through as low levels of data just indicating more warmth in a few places than usual.

Kay places his free arm around Cassian, giving the closest approximation to a hug he can.

Hugs, for humans, provide comfort due to physical contact and inspire chemical reactions that way. For a droid, everything ‘emotional’ is usually less based in chemical reactions out of their control, and more based in meaning. It means something that Cassian would hug him right now, and it means something that he wants to return the gesture.

“I’m glad you’re feeling well again, Cassian. I was concerned I would need to start finding other means of ‘bringing you back.’”

Cassian smiled as they disconnected and he took the place Kay had suggested. (Automatically assessing how best to proceed, even though Kay would have already completed all such thought processes, Cassian would follow his lead. Probably crunches to start, current back pain in walking largely lost core strength…)

He was also ready, though, to turn the conversation back off himself and onto Kay. He asks because he's sure that's not it: "Is that the 'something' you wanted to talk to me about?"

"No, it isn't," Kay replies, waiting for Cassian to lie down, and then holding his feet to make the crunches easier to do.

"I like someone, in the 'romantic' sense."

Cassian was midway through the first sit-up, and stayed upright to look at… okay, stare at Kay.

The reaction wasn't incredulity—he'd known droids capable of affection and connection for some time—or dismay—he'd also figured Kay's sentience to be sophisticated enough—and hopefully wouldn't read like those.

It was more… stricken. Suddenly thinking of what abjectly awful examples Cassian has ever provided of romance. And wondering if he knew how even to reply, much less (if called upon) advise.

(Including whether to start with That's great! or I'm so sorry)

He went with: "Do they know?"

"Yes, he does. We've already kissed."

If Cassian was worried about being able to provide examples or advice, don't worry, Kay's already blown past the initial steps. Maybe even a little too quickly, given that he had implied he'd want to sleep with Skeets literally within minutes of their first kiss. Someone may have their priorities a little skewed.

"It's Skeets."

Cassian's stricken expression instantly gave way to a pleasantly surprised grin. He likes Skeets a lot. And though it wouldn't have occurred to him on his own, he likes the thought of Skeets for Kay. Still holds off on any declaratives until finding out— "Is it going all right?"

"I believe as 'all right' as it will be. He likes me, and I like him. He is the type to want to 'take things slow' from what I have seen so far. I think we are compatible as well.

"You're keeping your opinion to yourself. I am interested in what you have to say, if you have something."

Edited 2018-01-12 05:44 (UTC)

Sit ups could wait another minute; Cassian braced his hands on the floor behind him, resting back, and met Kay's oculars with a rueful smile.

"I've been so lousy at my own lovelife," (not necessarily here but overall). "Don't know how much to say about anyone else's. But I'm really glad. For both of you. It's… good." Not a filler word even slightly; rather, said with the full complex tangibility of meaning from someone who's always dealt mostly with what's bad.

Next bit among the things he's not sure one should say, if it helps or is being unnecessarily awkward… his approval doesn't really matter… though Kay is asking for his reaction so… yes, here goes. "I like Skeets. If you need to scale back some of your and my activities to do other things with him, or if he wanted to join us in ours, that's all good by me."

"It is good." And he understands Cassian's meaning. 'Good' doesn't mean 'good' in the same way between them as it does to most people. Good can mean you're doing alright, but not great. Good can mean decent, or not bad. Good can also mean terrible, depending on the circumstances. They never used 'good' unless it was part of a lie, or they actually meant it.

Skeets is good, and could be good for him.

"Thank you," Kay replies, not because he was given 'permission' but because of the invitation for Skeets to join them, and also because Cassian was so welcoming of Skeets- they both knew it took Kay quite a while to warm up to Jyn. For all of Cassian's faults, one could never say he wasn't kind when he was allowed to be.

"I don't know if we would need to 'scale back' any time, but there may be a few times when I will have something planned with Skeets, and therefore unable to be with you." And for someone who's entire life has kind of been based around Cassian and being with Cassian (for the most part), that's... a bit of a big deal.

It was the first time both of them had been… in a way, properly back. Bodhi from hospital, Cassian in his actual bedroom.

Cassian was waiting when Bodhi stepped through the front door and intercepted him with a half hug.

"I have something for you," he said.

The first thing that Bodhi expects when he's walking through the door isn't a hug from Cassian. But that's what he's greeted with, it's good to see him not quite looking or acting so haunted as he'd been, and with that, he claps his hand on the other man's shoulder.

"Oh? You don't have to get me anything, you know that."

Cassian's lopsided smile was… mischievous. (Transforming him miraculously from the gaunt shell he'd been this past month.) "I know. It's in your room."

"Okay." Giving Cassian a searching look, he starts off down the hall towards his room (but not without waiting for him to follow). He's not going to complain at seeing him better - smiling but... what is he up to?

Guess he'll know, when he opens that door.

Which he does, right then.

This is sitting quietly (well-trained, Cassian made sure) on his bed, looking up at him as the door opens.

Bodhi blinks. And again, because he's a little -- well, a lot surprised. There's a dog in his room, looking up at the people entering the room. When he tears his eyes away, he looks to Cassian, voice quiet. Hopeful, but disbelieving.

Nobody has ever given him a gift like this.

"You got me a dog?"

Cassian nodded, still smiling, also a little nervous.

"Is that okay?"

"I--" Bodhi swallows, nodding slowly. And his face breaks out into a smile. "I don't know what to say." He looks back to the dog. "Of course it's okay. Nobody has ever -- nobody has ever given me anything like this."

That someone had is just... give him a minute.

He walks forward to his bed, a bit slowly, holding out his hand for the dog to sniff at. "Hi, there."

The dog instantly stood, tail wagging wildly, and licked Bodhi's hand.

Cassian stayed out of their way but was grinning at full power again. "I'd wandered into an animal shelter… he reminded me of you."

(Yes, there were the goggle-like markings, and the fact that they'd told Cassian that the dog had needed healing from some burn injuries when it had been rescued—regrown fur mostly covered those now but there were still some traces.

But those wouldn't have been enough if the dog's personality hadn't just shouted Bodhi to him. An animal wanting to give adoration and the kind man so overdue for some.)

"And you both deserve to feel well at home."

The dog reacted and Bodhi let his hand stay there while he licked it, and then he did what you do with a dog. Pet him. He reminded me of you. It worked -- Cassian and the others had saved him when they pulled him out of that cell, when he got through to him after being tortured. The markings around the eyes, and a patch of skin under the fur that feels rough with a healing wound.

A burn. He'd been hurt, too. Hurt, and rescued.

"You're a good boy, aren't you?" A bark was his answer.

Bodhi chuckled. "He's perfect."

Cassian should have gone to Poe's house in Nonah. Physical weakness, trying to reacclimate to functioning in their own home, and not having enough of a relationship with Poe's housemates begrudgingly decide him to invite Poe over instead. Hopefully, there's still an element of surprise.

When Poe arrives, Cassian calls him into the kitchen. The former spy still looks upsettingly thin, but his posture has begun to straighten again, movement smooth out, and color return to his face. Cassian is still moving around, finishing whatever he'd been doing, but makes a point to meet Poe's eyes over his shoulder. "Thanks for coming."

"Yeah, of course," Poe says easily, offering a smile. It's not hard to smile at him - Cassian looks worlds better than the last time he saw the man, even just because the weight in his shoulders and behind his eyes had lifted, somewhat. He hadn't fully recovered, but he was on his way. That was what mattered.

"Meant to come by anyway, so it's as good an excuse as any."

Cassian returned the smile—with something in his that seemed a bit new. "Good."

He grabbed some utensils and crossed to set them down at a chair, which he gestured for Poe to sit in.

…nervousness? Was that it?

"This is top secret," said Cassian seriously. "Doesn't leave this house. Okay?"

Poe arched an eyebrow, looking vaguely amused, but he took the seat as directed.

"Yeah, of course. Won't breath a word. Should I be worried?"

Cassian gave a deliberately inscrutable look. "Possibly."

He half-turned away, keeping his back between Poe and whatever Cassian was finishing up, as he spoke.

"I didn't let myself make a lot of personal connections. Which you know. When I did they had a few of the same things to say. One of them was that I ate really badly. The only person who ever managed to do something about that was your father.

"He said he wanted to do something nice for Shara. Knew she and I were both interested in Yavin history. Kes asked if I could help him learn to make some traditional Yaval dish that he could surprise her with. We did. She loved it.

"Turns out they'd tricked me. They both disapproved of how—" so clearly quoting, his voice becomes a little Shara-like: "—'my relationship to food was begrudging and perfunctory; and maybe if I knew how to make one actual meal, I could learn to enjoy something about it'."

Cassian finally turned, sliding into the chair beside Poe, while setting a laden plate down in front of each of them.

"This isn't exactly it. Nearest Earth equivalent of the ingredients, but… It's the one thing I know how to make. And Shara seemed to like it. And you just spent a month trying to feed me and looked like her for a bit of it.

"So I thought—hoped—you might like it, too."

[ooc: In honor of Diego's joke… ^_^ ]

By the time that Cassian turned back around, the smile was gone from Poe's lips. His brows were furrowed deeply, an expression that resembled confusion twisting his face.

It wasn't an accurate read of his emotional state, however. There were a lot of things going through his head at once, and Cassian was barely seated in his chair before Poe was throwing his arms around the man, sideways, giving a fierce and tight hug, even though it nearly pulled him off his own chair.

Cassian didn't have a lot of time to be intensely worried by Poe's look—was this that terrible a miscalculation? —before he had to quickly free his hands and brace his foot and catch the hug and keep them both from capsizing.

This accomplished, his tense shoulders instantly relax, and he returned the hug tightly. Smiling into Poe's shoulder, moved too.

Edited 2018-01-16 03:32 (UTC)

He sucked in a hard breath, still hugging tightly, before giving Cassian a few hard claps on the back and the pulling away. He blinked a few times, then swallowed thickly.

"Thanks, Cassian."

It was a little dumb, how moved he was, looking down at the meal with a lump in his throat. But he was caught totally off guard. He swallowed again.

"... Thanks. For remembering them."

Cassian doesn't regret dying the way he did. For the Rebellion, with Jyn. It only gives him a pang now and then for something like this: not the loss of himself, but things he carried that he didn't get to pass on.

Except he did. Here.

But also, he would put money on a lot of people remembering Kes and Shara. (Many more than remembered Cassian, if there was any justice.) And as if he would ever forget two of the people who'd kept him understanding, every time, that even with the things he did in its name, the Rebellion was home and was better and was worth it.

He can't bring himself to say those things, though. Not while keeping this about what he wants to keep it about: them and their son. He just returns the gravity of that with a nod.

Then says, not exaggerating, "Thank you for keeping me alive."

Edited 2018-01-16 03:46 (UTC)

He finally looked up to deliberately meet Cassian's eye. The smile returned, and it was nothing but warmth, reaching out to put a hand on Cassian's shoulder and squeeze it gently.

"You know you don't owe me anything, right?" He said it gently, though, still a little overwhelmed by how hard this had hit him. "You- all of you- I owe you literally everything I've ever known. I'd do anything to make sure that you're okay." He let go, carefully picking up his fork.

"It's just-- I've never felt so far from them, than I have here. And yet--"

He gestured helplessly at the meal before him.

Who owes more—the ones who sacrificed themselves or the ones who made the sacrifice mean anything? And it isn't a cost-benefit thing… having people I want to thank does as much for me

But again, Cassian doesn't want this to be about him—this whole past month has been about him. So he focuses on the last part.

"It's worse here than back home?" Cassian asks, more as a prompt; he can guess some reasons why.

"At least there, if it got too bad, I could fly back to Yavin and sit under the tree and pretend for a few minutes that I could talk to them."

He gently began to pull at the food with the prongs of his fork, regarding it thoughtfully.

"Here-- I mean-- they could even turn up here, couldn't they? But they aren't even part of the Force, here. If the Force here even exists outside of the Jedi. It's not like I can reach out and pretend that I can feel them there."

Cassian took a bite to give himself a moment to think.

Superstitious thinking—just about anything intangible—he distrusted even more than he did everything else.

But first Chirrut, then interacting with Jedi here… it wasn't quite so intangible anymore.

And maybe…

…

He'd said to Bodhi that time: You were our only way out of there. So I said it aloud to give everyone the daydream that it could happen. None of us believed it. We didn't have to. Daydreams don't have to come true to serve their purpose. Which is to make what's happening easier to deal with.

"I guess things changed after Luke Skywalker," he said. "When I came from, there were no Jedi. And half of us had been taught to hate them. But we still talked about the Force.

"There were orders… religious groups: the Guardians of the Whills, the Church of the Force. People who worshipped it as a part of the natural world. They didn't need to be able to touch it, or use it, to believe it. And some of them could seem to use it, a little. I had a friend…

"Anyway. I thought for a while it was… semantic aerobics. A way to hate the Jedi without having to change how we habitually thought, talked about the Force.

"I stopped thinking that.

"I think the Jedi Order is just their set of rules for how to approach it. But it doesn't belong to them. And isn't limited to them."

He moved one hand off the table to be able to turn more fully to Poe again. "So if it's not limited to the Jedi. And it's… part of nature. Created by life. Then sure it's here, too.

"But even if it weren't. We are. And… psychology or spirituality or whatever… both seem to agree, the dead are carried by the living.

"So… I get it… missing an old place… I loved Yavin too—more than I should. But however they're still part of things, I think you'd be their anchor point. Not a planet. Not even a galaxy."

Edited 2018-01-19 03:50 (UTC)

Poe had always believed in the Force, as long as he could remember. It would have been difficult not to: his mother had flown with Skywalker, had been given one of the two remaining living remnants of a force-sensitive tree.

He had grown up with the tree, and he had grown up with the legends, and they were inescapable.

Once, when he was younger, he might have felt bitter that the Force didn't touch him, the way it touched Luke. Or Rey. But that was a long time ago. He'd come to his own understanding of the Force since then. Sometimes almost thought he could feel the edges of it, when his mind quieted in the cockpit of an X-Wing and there was nothing but him and the ship.

He honestly believed that everyone returned to the force, when they died. That their energy was there, all around them. He had said as much, at L'ulo memorial. And he had meant it.

But he didn't know about here.

Didn't know if he was even made of the same stuff as he was, back home. But he didn't say that outloud. Not any of it. He just listened.

"Me, huh." It was a quiet couple of words. There was more he could say, probably - but that was the take away. He couldn't even say Cassian was wrong. So he just raised his eyes and gave the man a very fond, if sad, smile.

"Yeah. You're right. It just... still feels farther, somehow. I don't know why."

He looked back down at the meal.

"So should I be rating this?" He asked, trying to lighten the mood. "Let you know how close you got?"

"Yeah. You're right. It just... still feels farther, somehow. I don't know why."

Didn't say I know, in case that sounded like he did know why. He didn't either. But he knew the feeling. So just said, "Yeah."

"So should I be rating this?" He asked, trying to lighten the mood. "Let you know how close you got?"

Cassian's mouth quirked into a lopsided smile. "Charitably?" He belatedly poured drinks for them both. "Nah, go for it. I'm curious. I'm very rusty. Can always blame it on the ingredients."

He reflected Cassian's smile back to him, the warmth amplified, before finally digging in to the meal. He took a bite, and chewed it for several second, looking thoughtful, the glanced down at the plate with surprise, and dug in a little more eagerly. After a moment, he - well - chuckled.

"Alright, this is the weirdest nostalgia I've felt in a long time." He looked up at the other man, smiling widely. "This is delicious. Honestly. And I don't know how the hell you made it taste like Yavin, but you did."

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if you court this disaster, i'll point you home [OTA]

Kaytuesso

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Bodhi Rook

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Poe Dameron

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deciding that kes is dead in canon i guess :T after tlj it wouldn't make sense if he was alive

:'( More happytimez for SWfolk pleez

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