[i don't know where i am, i don't know where i've been, but i know where i want to go]

[kestreldawn]

WHO: Jyn Erso, et al.
WHERE: The Rebel House, elsewhere
WHEN: January 1st and onward
WHAT: Jyn comes back, the usual SW chaos ensues.
WARNINGS: Angst and death and blahblah. Will update as needed.

Jyn remembers .. nothingness. The simultaneously embracing and repulsive warmth of that final light, the energy that vaporized her and the feeling of arms, hands clutching at her shirt, at her shoulders. She remembers heat, and blinding whiteness and then .. nothing. Emptiness. A void. An absence of what once was.

And, just as suddenly, she feels the tug and pull of -- being. Life. Like the shifting and twisting of muscles beneath the paper of skin, she feels herself materialize. She feels the cold air rush into her lungs, the sunlight on her face and in her squinted eyes, the tug of sinew against her bones as she shifts to standing. Hears the thud of boot against pavement, feels the subtle shockwave run up her shin. She doesn't know why she's in this particular alleyway, but she knows only of one place to go: home.

The journey is arduous, feeling as though it lasts for days instead of an hour. When she finally catches sight of the front door, she practically needs to drag her feet forward to keep herself from collapsing there on the sidewalk. How long has it been since she's last slept? Why is she so utterly exhausted? She hasn't known raggedness like this since she'd first joined up with Saw as a kid, on her first mission. She'd fallen asleep with her eyes open that one time, blaster in-hand. This feels deeper, worse than that somehow.

But she makes it through the door, despite the effort required - and she even manages to call out to the empty house around her.

"Hello?" It isn't a commanding shout, but it's loud enough that anyone within the house would've heard her. She shuffles her way up the stairs, collapsing onto the bed in she and Cassian's room, waking hours later when she hears the front door closing with a slam. "Hello?" she asks again, peeking her head out of the bedroom door.

Comments

.for eli.

[kestreldawn]

When Jyn nears the house, she sees a man she doesn't immediately recognize coming out, shutting the door behind him. Brows knitting together in confusion and thought, she tries to make sense of the vague itching she feels at the back of her mind somewhere, the itch like a scuttling spider amidst the cobwebs. She comes to a slow stop as she nears the door, finding a final surge of energy to straighten her back, square her shoulders. Even if she doesn't feel at the top of her game, she needn't let anyone else know that.

Especially this strange man exiting her house.

And yet, he's familiar .. have they spoken before?

"Who are you? And why have you been in that house there?" He doesn't need to know that it's hers, not yet.

[vanto]

Eli looks guilty as if he has been caught with a hand inside the cookie jar. He'd come here to see Bodhi — his visit was to include some snacks, which he had left just at the entrance. Really, it was stupid of Eli to do this, he should've messaged Bodhi asking if he was even in.

What he doesn't expect is Jyn appearing from seemingly nowhere and with a certain sharpness to her that is familiar and has Eli treading with care.

"Uh, what? Why? Does it matter?"

[kestreldawn]

"It matters because it isn't yours. You don't live here. Generally, people are suspicious of seeing strangers exiting houses that aren't theirs with their faces drowning in guilt," Jyn replies, her tone assuming something sharp-edged but seemingly detached, as though she's simply making observations - obvious ones. But there's a certain glow in her eyes, a certain ringing in her voice that might reveal the embers underneath the unimpressed demeanor.

Her hands go to her waist, where they perch as she shifts her weight from one foot to the other.

She's far too tired to play games; is it obvious enough yet?

[vanto]

Eli stares at Jyn, and, well, he's not as observant as Thrawn but he is not stupid by any stretch of the imagination. He can make educated guesses and tie ends together fairly well.

"If you know that's not my house it's because you're familiar with it and the people who live there." Eli looks thoughtful, "Unless you live there too? I haven't seen you." But then Eli wasn't here as often as others were. A few times, yes, but he had a lot of things to do.

"I'm a friend of Bodhi and Kay, and you can verify with them."

[kestreldawn]

Jyn narrows her eyes slightly, clenching her jaw, pressing her molars against each other with some significant pressure. She doesn't confirm anything right away, not in facial expression or in word, but mention of being friends to both Bodhi and Kay, she relents.

Slightly.

"How do you know them?"

.for poe.

[kestreldawn]

Jyn hasn't seen any of the others since she's come back to the house, but that's no real surprise. She figures that Cassian is tangled up with Neojedha, possibly Kay, as well. Veronica might be at work, Bodhi out and about. She doesn't think much of their absences, especially given that it's now late afternoon, bleeding into early evening. She'd normally be out herself, teaching classes at the dojo - and though she wonders whether to swing by in order to see how things are going, perhaps apologize to the students for being absent, she finds that she hasn't completely regained her strength since she (strangely) woke in the alley.

What she does know for certain, however, is that hunger's overtaken her - and, just as the tiredness runs down to the blood in her veins, the hunger seems to be a rabid animal let loose in her gut. She's rummaging through the kitchen when she hears the latch of the door open behind her, and, working on a mouthful of sandwich, she walks into the living room, expecting one of her housemates.

Instead, she finds Poe Dameron. They haven't had any extensive conversations, but she knows him well enough. He was a seemingly permanent fixture when Kay's memory had been wiped. She flicks her chin in his direction, taking another munch of sandwich.

"You'd think you lived here, the way you breeze through the place," she teases lightly.

[flightforfreedom]

He'd been about to call out his usual greeting, coming to check on his friends now that he was back in town and things were mostly settled, the holiday was over and people were starting to relax. He especially wanted to see Kaytoo, his curiousity after the Christmas party not yet abated. So he was expecting to find someone home, but not--

He looked a little like he saw a ghost, when he spotted her. Sure, they weren't as close as he was with the others from rogue squadron, but at this very moment, that didn't matter at all. She'd been gone a month. He'd just started to assume--

He practically sprinted toward her, throwing his arms around her in a tight hug.

"Damn, am I glad to see you--"

[kestreldawn]

Jyn instinctively freezes and goes to shove him away, and hard, but only remembers to relax at the last second. She knows how fond everyone else is of Poe, and that's the only thing that saves him from getting sucker punched across the jaw right then and there.

That doesn't mean she enthusiastically reciprocates his embrace, however, his arms a bit like a vice around her mid-body.

"I hadn't realized we'd gotten anywhere near close enough to be awkwardly hugging like this," she retorts, confused but somewhat amused all the same. "Are you sure you're not mistaking me for someone else? The large, reprogrammed Imperial Droid who lives here, for example? We've got at least two feet of difference in height, though, aside from the whole .. organic vs. inorganic thing."

[flightforfreedom]

He immediately peels off, hands going into the air in surrender.

"Sorry. You just have no idea--" he gave her a very sheepish look, before lowering his hands. "Just take that as a month's worth of worry from five different people, and that should explain it." Cassian, Kaytoo, Bodhi, himself and Veronica - there had been a lot of worry to go around.

"Does Cassian know you're here?" Because that was the most important thing to address, right this second. "Is he here? Damn, this -- it's just really good to see you. The boys have been wrecks without you."

[onlydoubts]

Bodhi doesn't call out when he gets in, coming back after his walk to the bookstore. The house is empty, Kay is out, Cassian comes and goes as he does and Veronica is still at school. He himself is thinking of making himself scarce and going to see Eli at his work tonight.

Grabbing a snack from the kitchen, he's heading back off in the direction of his bedrooms when one of them creaks open. Cassian's, most likely just going from the sound of it.

Prepared to call out, the greeting dies in his throat as an all too familiar voice makes itself known. "Jyn." He breathes, damn near dropping the can of soda in hand. "Jyn?" He calls out, moving quickly in the direction he'd heard her, plans forgotten.

If it was her. Bodhi dared hope as he approached, saw the familiar face peeking out of the bedroom door and didn't even stop to think, moving swiftly and embracing her in a fierce hug. "You're back." He whispered, clinging to her as if she'd vanish again if he let go.

[kestreldawn]

"Bodhi," Jyn replies, though the word and name lacks any of the desperation and relief that so heavily drenches her name in his mouth. It's more like a statement of fact; this is Bodhi Rook, her friend and unofficial brother, of sorts, just as she's Jyn Erso, daughter of Lyra and Galen.

The swift and forceful embrace catches her off-guard, but she slowly lifts her arms to wrap around him, hands carefully pressed against his back. Brows furrowed, she lets out a little laugh of disbelief.

"Of course I'm back; I've not been gone all that long." There's a weight in her stomach as she realizes she might not have the whole story. ".. Have I?"

[onlydoubts]

He doesn't automatically let her go. But it does give Bodhi pause, and he pulls away slightly to look at her. Really look at Jyn, studying her face, brows furrowed.

"You don't know what happened." It's less a question, more of a statement. How much did she know -- did she remember what happened? He swallows, taking a few moments to gather his thoughts. "You were gone a whole month, Jyn. You just ... vanished." He lowers his gaze to the floor.

There was a bunch of other things that had happened, a certain sadness in his eyes -- echoed a bit on his face, slightly thinner than she may recall. His voice is a lot quieter, when at last he says:

"We thought you weren't coming back."

[kestreldawn]

The look in his eyes - the desolate sadness that she finds there - nearly sucks the breath from her lungs. She remembers the look he'd had when they'd narrowly escaped death the first time as a group, flying through the debris on Jedha as the moon crumbled around them. The .. absence of coherence in his vacant gaze, but the glow that lurk underneath. The look she sees in his face now reminds her of that broken man, but .. worse, somehow.

She feels a lump lodge itself in her throat, and all attempts at swallowing it down go unnoticed.

".. What?" It comes out as a breath of disbelief, and she feels the strength of her knees quiver. "What do you mean, a month? How could I've been gone --" She falls quiet for a moment, jaw clenching and tensing as her fingers grip into the sides of his arms for support and steadiness. "The last I remember is the Porter, but it's all - it's all hazy and grey, like smoke." Her eyes furiously scan the fabric of his shirt, the stitching of the seams, as though she might find answers there. She finally lifts her gaze to his again - takes in the sight of him, sees the more gaunt features, the jutting cheekbones - and feels something in her break. "Bodhi, what's - what's happened? Is .. everyone all right? The others?"

[candor1]

He never thought he'd get here but… he was starting to taper off of the sedatives. And go outside.

He still couldn't sort out whether someone had suggested it, he'd hallucinated someone suggesting it, or the decision had just taken on its own. But he'd started walking in the woods again. Little by little—he'd gotten so weak: losing weight he hadn't been able to afford and barely moving for weeks. So it took work to get a bit less easily winded, be able to stand for longer without his legs shaking and head spinning, get his body to make shapes and movements like it had before… and not be crushed by the emotional weight, be able to tolerate life continuing around him.

See if he could still stand on a world where she wasn't.


It turns out, he could.

He hadn't wanted to. But he had for Kaytu. And now it seems he could.

So the one day he cosmically should be in De Chima is the first day he's left it.

Without quite making the decision, that morning he simply gets up, actually showers, lets Kay know what he's up to, and goes to Maurtia Falls. He sneaks into Neojedha without the neighbors seeing, finds a class in session and watches it from the shadow of a wall: some of his older former students teaching the younger, doing so beautifully. The fact that the place has continued just fine without him (without them) doesn't feel difficult, it's glorious. Building something that can self-sustain and be taken fully by others—exactly what they'd wanted.

The place empties out… and he faces the back room.

Even getting himself walking again, rehabilitating his body and sobering up, he hasn't been back into his and Jyn's bedroom at the house. He's actually gotten off the couch (and the living room floor) a few times, but to someone else's room: Bodhi's or Kay's.

This apartment behind Neojedha was not intended to be exclusive—and hadn't been: they'd sheltered, patched up, counseled and protected a few kids there—but it had still inevitably been another space that was mostly theirs. His and Jyn's.

It takes him a while, just standing at the door. But finally he types in the passkey: B O D H I S A T T V A

Obviously no one's been in here in a month. The place is not hermetically sealed, but without windows, with a reinforced door and soundproofing, it almost feels it. He swears he can still smell her.

He stands in the middle of the room a bit. Then slowly moves to the bed. Runs his hand over it. Sits down.

It's not blacking out exactly. He just doesn't remember that last transition from sitting on the bed to lying on it. Eyes shut, the scent of her hair on the pillow.

He's only somewhat drugged; he still drifts in and out. No way of knowing how much time as passed. Ignoring any sound from his comm, which he'd stopped looking to for a miracle.

At some point, his hand came up to his throat. Wrapped around the cord there. Pulled it free.

He's there, asleep, fully dressed, shockingly thin with hollowed cheeks and shadowed eyes, the kyber pendant in his hand.

Having finally given up… let go… said goodbye.

When the thing he'd just stopped waiting for actually happened.

[kestreldawn]

After Poe had told her that Cassian had been spending almost all of his time at Neojedha, Jyn practically ran from the house with only that destination in mind. She'd heard from the others, as well, that her disappearance - which she hadn't realized had been a month - had obviously .. not gone over well for him, and she finds herself caught in a whirlwind of guilt and responsibility as she wills her feet to move far faster than they seem willing to go. She trips over herself a couple of times in her rush and need to get to the dojo, but she does eventually find herself there, standing at the door.

Something in her hesitates for the briefest of seconds before she yanks it open, exploring the different alcoves and sections to see if he's there - only .. the place is deserted. There are some indications that a class has ended somewhat recently, a few items left behind from students, a stray sock, a washcloth. But there's no Cassian.

She thinks to perhaps try and contact him on the communicator, only she's not gotten hers back yet - and isn't entirely sure how to go about getting a new one, if the original has been lost. Suddenly, she remembers the apartment in the back - the extension of their space, their room, their home that they'd brought here. With a steadying breath, she types in the passkey to get in, pushing the door open to peek inside.

[candor1]

Cassian's lying on his side in the bed, face to the wall, eyes closed. He's simultaneously relaxed and seems tightly folded in on himself.

He's always been slight: thin and angular. Now he's gaunt, brittle-seeming, visible bones. His face is hollower, with more lines carved into it than before. No one would ever believe, if they would have even before, he's twenty-six.

He's always looked overworn. He's never looked quite so fragile.

Yet, at the sound of the door opening, his hand does a familiar motion—deftly, reflexively moving to where a blaster no longer lives. As he starts to reangle himself to see who's coming in. Poe? Kay? One of the students having hacked the passkey? That would be okay… he rather considers himself the trespasser now.

sorry, a certain cat decided to crawl in my lap and lay on my comp lol

[kestreldawn]

Jyn lingers by the door, perhaps .. surprised, that he's here, or maybe it's that she is afraid to see what her absence has done to Cassian. She has a feeling the others have downplayed the effects for her sake, and, as her eyes sweep over his frame on the bed, she thinks to herself that she's never seen him looking more .. frail and .. broken. Of course, she'd not known him as a child, as a teenager - but even still, she somehow knows it's never quite been this bad before.

With a thick swallow, she slips into the room, shutting and sealing the door behind her. She hears the whirr of the mechanical lock slide back into place, the echo of it resounding in her skull.

A million things rush to the tip of her tongue and yet, she can't untangle any of them enough to let one go. She knows she should say .. something, just one thing, to reassure him. Announce her arrival. Give back some of the light that she knows has been robbed from his eyes, and yet - she's silent.

Instead, she approaches - not quickly enough to seem threatening, but certainly with purpose - and kneels at his side, taking his hand in hers, before finally pressing her lips and then her cheek to his knuckles.

"I'm so sorry," she manages to breathe.

[couldbebeautiful]

Veronica comes back in the late afternoon, after work. Cassian's at Neojedha, probably, and she figures Bodhi and Kay are off on dates, so she's got free rein of the house for a while. She even got herself a bacon hot dog as a reward for putting up with an especially long day, and is licking off the grease from her fingers as she shuts the door.

Then she hears a voice. Hello?

It can't be. (It must be.)

"Jyn?" she calls, a little scared that someone else might respond. Just in case, she grabs the croquet mallet, conveniently leaning against the wall nearby, hefts it up like she's ready to bring it down on someone if they dare to fuck with her. "Please be Jyn," she mutters, moving closer into the house.

[kestreldawn]

Jyn pops back into the room to grab herself a hoodie before coming back out to ... the sight of Veronica holding a hot dog in one hand and a mallet in the other. Both of her hands immediately go up, palms out, in a universal sign of surrender. A quiet bubbling laugh escapes her as she shuts the bedroom door behind her, gaze shifting from the mallet, to the hot dog, to Veronica, to the hot dog, to Veronica, to the mallet.

She laughs again a little bit, lowering her hands.

"Doesn't this scene look vaguely familiar? Only I think it was the other way 'round the last time, and I was holding a knife, not - whatever mallet that is."

[couldbebeautiful]

It's Jyn.

Oh, thank god, it's Jyn.

Veronica lowers the mallet, letting out a relieved breath. She hadn't even known she was holding her breath until she let it go. "It's a croquet mallet," she says, letting it drop to the ground with a thunk. She sets the hot dog aside and steps forward. "And you have a key, at least."

One heartbeat passes. Then another. Then Veronica surges forward to wrap Jyn up in a hug.

[kestreldawn]

"I don't know what that means," Jyn replies with a laugh, watching Veronica set the thing aside. It looks like it could be wielded into a pretty intense and damage-inducing weapon. Not bad, as an option.

The hug, of course, comes as a surprise. In all the time they've known each other, Jyn's not even certain they've even really shaken hands before, though that's no indication of how fond Jyn is of Veronica. She's incredibly fond of her, and fiercely protective. But, as a girl who grew up with little to no physical affection after the loss of her parents, hugging and things of the like are not often her .. preferred or default method of showing such feelings.

After a moment, she awkwardly returns the embrace, patting Veronica on the back.

"Are you all right? Did something happen?"

[reexamined]

It's a female voice, but it's not Veronica's.

He takes another 0.5 seconds to process, rerun the recorded audio, and verify- it contains similar pitch to Jyn's voice. He looks up towards the bedroom, where she typically slept. A head peaks out, looking like Jyn's as well.

Kay runs a quick diagnostic. He's still running at one hundred percent.

"...Jyn?"

[kestreldawn]

Jyn comes out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind her, and comes down the stairs, neck craning back to look up at Kay's optical sensors as she draws closer. She holds her hands out to either side of her as she spins around once in place, then lets her hands fall to her sides again.

"Last I checked," she replies with a faint smirk as she makes her way past Kay and into the kitchen. "Lothcat got your tongue? Why do you look so surprised to see me?"

[reexamined]

He's still silent and frozen in place as she walks by him, but he quickly catches up to her in the kitchen. Very suddenly, he takes her by the shoulder, spins her around until she’s facing him, and then pulls her against his chassis. She’s very short in comparison, so it’s definitely an awkward sort of hug, but it’s a hug nonetheless.

“You were gone.”

[kestreldawn]

Jyn almost falls into default defensive mode at the touch of his hand on her shoulder but, at the last moment, remembers that it's Kay. She still isn't sure as to what he's doing, exactly, but when her cheek's pressed against his chassis and his hand is at her shoulder blades, she realizes .. it's a hug. A hug from Kay. That he hasn't been strong-armed or threatened with death to give. He's simply ... giving it to her, freely. Without any kind of coercion.

She's about to ask about it when he tells her she was gone, and her brows furrow with confusion.

"Gone?" she asks, unsure of what that means. "I was out for a bit, yeah, but I didn't think it was long enough to warrant this sort of reunion. Unless you're actually far more fond of me than you've ever let on, Kay."