I Wanna Disappear So Nobody Can Hear When I'm Screaming

[pale_blue_arrow]

WHO: Brendan and you!
WHERE: Nonah General Hospital
WHEN: Dec. 9 - Dec 17.
WHAT: Brendan's in the hospital, people drop by, things eventually get better.
WARNINGS: Involuntary psychiatric ward stay, possible mentions of self-harm, canon-typical mentions of underage drinking


[Brendan's been in worse places, but that, he has been told by staff, is a large part of the problem. He'd told himself since he was little that everything was fine, that he was fine, that life was normal, and finally after months in this world he had to admit it wasn't and neither was he. No more pretending not to be traumatized, no more mood swinging wildly in the wake of losing someone, no more hiding behind the therapist Charles Xavier had gotten him as a way of camouflaging his complete inability to deal with daily life. All his excuses have run out and the hospital staff has been clear: he needs to actually get better, not just get better at lying to himself.

There's been a lot of this hospital stay he hasn't enjoyed. He's read everything in their small book selection, has no interest in art therapy and overruns his allotted time for sessions with his doctor regularly because every time he opens his mouth a tsunami of feelings flood out, but when he's put in group therapy sessions his words dry up and he sits there feeling isolated, unable to fathom how to connect with normal people. Every day the questions get more invasive, his room gets searched and he gets more and more antsy to get out of this place, back to his life where he can go bury himself in school work until things make sense again.

The one upside is that, between one and four in the evening, they let visitors swing by. For Brendan this means many things, mostly getting his schoolwork, getting to see his scant few friends, and getting a reason not to sit in the main room with people he doesn't know making awkward small talk. He's looked worse, but his eyes are tired, his mind is, in a way he can't explain properly. He wants people to visit and he doesn't know what to say, either. In some way he feels like there's nothing to say at the start, but he always meets anyone who swings by regardless with his trademark snarky half-smirk and, since it doesn't present a safety hazard, his jacket, in spite of everything.]

So, [he starts, as if this entire thing isn't ridiculous even by his standards,] How's things?

Comments

[h2no]

[extremely unused to and unsure about these kind of situations, archie almost doesn't visit brendan, almost opts to just message him instead. which... only brought up more problems: he doesn't know if brendan even had his phone, firstly, and secondly... it's kind of shitty to avoid something like this because of his own hang ups? though part of him doesn't even know if brendan would WANT to see him.

archie decides to not be a piece of shit for once in his life and rocks up around half 2 one day. he waves as he enters, taking a seat.]

Hey, kid. I bought a book but they took it off me... fuck knows if you'll see that. Things have been 'aite. Nothing super cool or bad happening. How're you?

[pale_blue_arrow]

[Brendan has phone privileges, but his phone isn't on him most of the time, here. They want him to interact with people his own age in a normal, non-sexualized way without any illicit substances or talk about violence. This effectively reduces him to snarking at TV with people, and that's not really engaging, so most of the time he sits around waiting for something to happen.

He's not even surprised they took the book off of Archie. They're probably checking its' contents for anything 'disturbing'. He's more surprised that Archie came at all given he dropped some unpleasant truth bombs on him while loopy on painkillers.]

'm doin' okay. I think. I dunno, they've got one helleva strange barometer for that here. There's a lot of awkward standing around and watching people who are natives with normal problems cry and a lot of wannabe hardasses in here acting like they can be jackasses because they've got a diagnosis. I'm still surprised they put me in the pediatric wing and not the adult one but... [He sighs, shrugging helplessly.] In spite of feelin' older than dirt and twice as stepped on, I've been informed I'm a kid. Psychologically speaking.

[h2no]

It's gonna take a while, so they're probably tryin' to think of the bigger picture.

[he crosses a leg over the other, leaning back in the chair.]

Legally and physically, yeah. They haven't been too shitty about that, though, right?

[pale_blue_arrow]

[He shrugs again, unable to make a comment either way. What does a bigger picture even mean, here? This isn't a place where anything feels permanent other than loss. He's starting to find it hard to find reasons to get out of bed in the morning even to get to therapy, and it shows in his distant expression.]

Like I'm a good gauge of what is and isn't shitty when it comes to this? They're trying, I can tell that much. They wanna help. So I guess that's what matters, right?

[h2no]

Better than Nurse Ratchet, I suppose.

[he sighs, looks down at the floor.]

I'm-- sorry, by the way. For invitin' you over then not being around much.

[pale_blue_arrow]

Archie. I love you, but I'm not gonna pretend this is your fault. This is mine, okay, and even then it's - the doctors say they think it's genetics. My mom's got a lotta issues, they passed onto me, an' here we are. You couldn't've stopped that just by being there.

I love playing the blame game as much as the next guy but sometimes, it's nobody's fault. [He tries to sound sincere. He is, but he's not sure if that'll get through to Archie. When he gets low, it's not something Brendan knows how to snap him out of.]

[h2no]

[he closes his eyes, nods.]

Alright. I trust you to know your own mind better than I do, so.

[look he's actually taking it!!!!!!!! also because he knows this isn't the time to whine about his own problems.]

Is, uh, there anythin' else you want me to bring when I come next?

[pale_blue_arrow]

I don't, on a lot of topics. But on this one, I do. Mostly 'cause I've had a lot of time to mull this one over.

[He looks at Archie with tired eyes. This is more or less Brendan's lowest point. There's no one object that can make this somehow better. But he's not about to tell Archie that when he knows it'll just bring him down.]

Books. They flip through 'em for whatever they consider to be shitty content but if you flood them with enough books something will get through. I hope. It's not exactly brimming with activity, being in here.

Oh, and pics of Scout and Scarlet. How're they taking my prolonged absence, anyway?

[h2no]

[just two guys being good at talking about feelings.]

All I got right now is fairy tale stuff. You good for that? An'-- ah, Scarlet hasn't been too happy, but they've stuck together through it.

[pale_blue_arrow]

Hey, a book is a book. Anything that distracts me from boredom. An' Scarlet's always done better when Scout's around. Keep 'em together and they could survive the apocalypse.

[h2no]

Alright. I'll get more of a variety.

[he shakes his head, laughing a little at the comment about the dynamic duo.]

I, ah... me an' Maxie are gonna start going to therapy together. I thought you might want to know.

[pale_blue_arrow]

You are? [His brow furrows. He's sure there's something Archie isn't telling him. Something had to have gone wrong for them to make that decision, he knows that's just how Archie is, but-] That's good, man. 'm proud of you.

[h2no]

Yeah. Everythin' since that house and the mistakes we made back home has kinda built up enough that--

[he shakes his head again.]

We went through a lot of shit together, even with the weird timelines. I want Maxie to be okay, and me being okay would be part of what he needs. [he shrugs a little, not raising his arms.] D'you think being here is helping you?

[pale_blue_arrow]

You can take so much, until you've had enough. I get it. I always said that Emily and I needed couple's therapy. I've been there, enough to not judge, anyway. I'm glad you're getting help.

[As to whether or not this is helping, he isn't sure. He takes a deep breath, trying to pick words that adequately explain everything he's gone over with his therapists.]

It is, and it isn't. Sometimes I don't want to get better, not if it means talking about things I've kept bottled up my entire life. Getting better involves a lot of opening old wounds and realizin' I didn't ever really heal to begin with. But it's getting easier to believe I'm gonna be okay the more people walk me through how to get better, or at least how not to fall apart.

Nobody ever said this would be easy, Archie. Just that it would be worth it.

[h2no]

Uh huh.

[he just wishes his limit didn't come after almost ending the world. ah, fuck.]

I'd never expect it to be. I'm not lookin' forward to what we're gonna go through, but it has to be done. I'm glad you're getting there, though... an' that you're even engagin'.

[pale_blue_arrow]

It'll be worth it, Arch. Much as I complain about this, that's been worth it, too. I'm... still broken. But not as bad as I was.

[h2no]

[he nods.]

That's the most important thing, ain't it? [a beat.] Uh-- if you wanna talk about housing and stuff for when you're released -- I don't know if it's too early, but... y'know. I'm around. Or-- whoever you want to talk to about it.

[pale_blue_arrow]

I'm gonna need t' know where I'm going before they let me out. Otherwise they're worried I might backslide into bad behaviors. We actually gotta get this hammered out fairly soon.

But I'm not stupid. I know I've been more trouble than I'm worth since before you even left our old apartment. There's a lot of stress in your life that's been basically my fault from the word go. You don't have to let me stay with you if I'm just going t' make your recovery harder.

[h2no]

Brendan, the stress in my life has come from stuff outside both of our control and also me being a supreme dipshit in how I handled it. If you want to come and stay again until you decide you're sick of me and want to move out you're welcome to.

I'm not doin' this out of some fucked up idea of obligation. I'm doing it because I want to help you.

[flightforfreedom]

[Brendan was one of the first people he wanted to check in on, which - had proved more difficult than originally anticipated. He wasn't at home, where he'd expected him, but a little digging (okay, so he asked his communicator to gps locate Brendan's communicator) he'd figured it out.

It definitely hadn't left him any less worried, that was for damn sure.

He first showed up outside of visiting hours, so he'd just wasted time outside the hospital for another hour while he waited, showing back up at one o'clock exactly. They let him in without too much trouble (though one of the nurses asked him to sign an autograph), and when he finally got brought to Brendan he offered a sympathetic smile and stepped over to join him.]

Hey, bud.

Not really sure there's a good answer to that question. How're you holding up?

[pale_blue_arrow]

[Brendan would have texted Poe about what happened, but they took his communicator from him when it became clear he was using it as an excuse not to socialize or engage with his fellow patients. For the most part, though, he hadn't improved on that front when they took it, because only other imPorts could really know what it felt like to have someone Ported out and he was, as far as he knew, the first imPort put into the mental health ward in Nonah.

He forced a small smile for Poe, trying to look like he wasn't continually exhausted and frustrated in here.]

I'm alright, I guess. I don't - I don't really know how I'm supposed to be acting, here, or where the line is between okay and fucked. But I'm trying my best to actually make progress and that's not worthless, so I doubt they'll hold me for more than a week. [Quietly, he added,] I'm sorry. You told me to reach out to people after Manabu went back an' I didn't. I could've avoided all this shit but I've got a real knack for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

[flightforfreedom]

I should have been here.

[Instead of fucking around on a space station and making all his friends hate him, instead. He sat down across from him, watching him carefully, with an overtly worried expression.]

... Don't blame yourself. For not taking care of yourself. That's-- kind of one of the first things to go, when we're at our worst.

[pale_blue_arrow]

Dunno if that'd've done anything. Poe, this isn't your fault. I haven't been okay for a long time. Since before I got here, even, I just - I put it on Manabu to fix me, and now I've gotta learn to fix myself. 'Cause he's not coming back.

[He really didn't blame Poe for any of this. Poe couldn't have predicted that Manabu would vanish, or that Brendan wouldn't be able to take it, or that things aboard the space station would get so weird. All of this was out of everyone's hands, sort of like being in the middle of a gunfight; all they could do was try to dodge bullets and make it out alive. Brendan was done being angry and has moved into some other stage of grief, though what it is, even he didn't know.

Sighing, Brendan glanced around to make sure the nurses aren't watching. They're busy right at the moment, with a patient whose parents always make a scene, so he pushes up his left sleeve to show the jagged lines where he'd ripped into his forearm, still healing, definitely bad enough to scar without the healing factor. Two had stitches in still.] This is why they put me in here, alright? Not because you weren't here, because I made a bad call. Everything got to be too much so I tried to let off steam the only way I knew how that didn't involve drinking, and that's not alright, and that's why I'm here. It's on me, alright? Nobody else.