"He got to me too," said Cassian grimly. "Hearing my own voice say that fierfek…" A Huttese expletive that was similar enough to a Jedhan one as to not necessarily offend Bodhi but also make the point. "Human minds—most sentient minds—are strange. We can know, abstractly, something isn't real. But if there's a good anchor, like a voice, it'll still register as real. It'll take work to stop feeling it."
More carefully (tentatively?) than before, Cassian put his hand on Bodhi's shoulder. "Work you should not have to do. So I'm gonna try to help offset it a bit."
He let himself show the concentration, of recalling beat for beat exactly what the imposter had said. So he could cancel out every lying insult in his fake voice, with his real voice saying the truth. (Thank you for being here, Poe. This needed another witness. For both of them.)
"Being scared isn't the opposite of bravery: it's its requirement. "I knew you… an hour? before you impressed me with how much you'd been through and how determined you were not to put that on anyone else. You didn't know me either and tried to spare me your pain. I wish I'd told you how remarkable that was. "You've never expected anyone to carry you. Even when we'd be so happy to. "You have never bothered me—nor Jyn—nor Kay—and I don't know if you know how exceptional it is that Kay complimented you twice in a day; he doesn't even do that for me. He is hard to impress and you did. But anyway… in terms of 'bothering'… if you ever managed to (which would be astonishing), you'd still be worth it. There are worse things than being bothered. Just means you care about something. "None of us are ever going to want you to leave. Our lives, the house, Neojedha, any of it. They're yours as much as ours. Even if you somehow managed to do something we found harder to cope with than any of the things we already do to ourselves. Which would be impressive. Anyway. I hear that's what happens in families."
That last needs a moment. As will the next. So Cassian pauses. Weighs his drink a moment in his hand.
At last, quietly, "As to whether you did or didn't follow my orders on Scarif.
"My order to you was: 'Keep the engine running.'
"That's it. You did it. I never said 'get us out alive'. I knew you wouldn't be able to. No one could. That was never the plan. You were our only way out of there… so I said it aloud to give everyone the daydream that it could happen. None of us believed it. We didn't have to. Daydreams don't have to come true to serve their purpose, which is to make what's happening easier to deal with. I said it aloud also so that you wouldn't forget how valuable and important you were and that we trusted you. Not to put the burden on you of thinking it had to happen. I'm sorry for that. You obeyed my order. You didn't fail.
"In fact… you succeeded so many times. Every step of the way… it was all you. We couldn't have done any of it without you. And unlike the rest of us, you chose it. Our lives were stolen. You chose to give yours up. Because you saw the sort of things that had been done to people like us.
"I will fight anyone who tries to say you're a coward or a failure for that. Including 'myself'. Including you."
no subject
"He got to me too," said Cassian grimly. "Hearing my own voice say that fierfek…" A Huttese expletive that was similar enough to a Jedhan one as to not necessarily offend Bodhi but also make the point. "Human minds—most sentient minds—are strange. We can know, abstractly, something isn't real. But if there's a good anchor, like a voice, it'll still register as real. It'll take work to stop feeling it."
More carefully (tentatively?) than before, Cassian put his hand on Bodhi's shoulder. "Work you should not have to do. So I'm gonna try to help offset it a bit."
He let himself show the concentration, of recalling beat for beat exactly what the imposter had said. So he could cancel out every lying insult in his fake voice, with his real voice saying the truth. (Thank you for being here, Poe. This needed another witness. For both of them.)
"Being scared isn't the opposite of bravery: it's its requirement.
"I knew you… an hour? before you impressed me with how much you'd been through and how determined you were not to put that on anyone else. You didn't know me either and tried to spare me your pain. I wish I'd told you how remarkable that was.
"You've never expected anyone to carry you. Even when we'd be so happy to.
"You have never bothered me—nor Jyn—nor Kay—and I don't know if you know how exceptional it is that Kay complimented you twice in a day; he doesn't even do that for me. He is hard to impress and you did. But anyway… in terms of 'bothering'… if you ever managed to (which would be astonishing), you'd still be worth it. There are worse things than being bothered. Just means you care about something.
"None of us are ever going to want you to leave. Our lives, the house, Neojedha, any of it. They're yours as much as ours. Even if you somehow managed to do something we found harder to cope with than any of the things we already do to ourselves. Which would be impressive. Anyway. I hear that's what happens in families."
That last needs a moment. As will the next. So Cassian pauses. Weighs his drink a moment in his hand.
At last, quietly, "As to whether you did or didn't follow my orders on Scarif.
"My order to you was: 'Keep the engine running.'
"That's it. You did it. I never said 'get us out alive'. I knew you wouldn't be able to. No one could. That was never the plan. You were our only way out of there… so I said it aloud to give everyone the daydream that it could happen. None of us believed it. We didn't have to. Daydreams don't have to come true to serve their purpose, which is to make what's happening easier to deal with. I said it aloud also so that you wouldn't forget how valuable and important you were and that we trusted you. Not to put the burden on you of thinking it had to happen. I'm sorry for that. You obeyed my order. You didn't fail.
"In fact… you succeeded so many times. Every step of the way… it was all you. We couldn't have done any of it without you. And unlike the rest of us, you chose it. Our lives were stolen. You chose to give yours up. Because you saw the sort of things that had been done to people like us.
"I will fight anyone who tries to say you're a coward or a failure for that. Including 'myself'. Including you."