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WHO: Kaneki and Daryl
WHERE: Their house
WHEN: 3rd August
WHAT: Kaneki is being Kaneki, Daryl has stuff to admit to
WARNINGS: Mentions of cannibalism

[ Kaneki's life is a mess, and while that goes without saying, this month is worse than usual. That's what happens when you eat the clones of two people you know, one of them being being a friend. Kaneki didn't handle that well and he still isn't handling it - instead he is locked inside his room most of the time and avoids going out.

He hasn't been hungry at all (naturally, eating two people in a row would leave any ghoul stuffed) and he hasn't been in the mood for anything else other than reading. Not that it has made him feel better, and actually it's harder than ever for him to enjoy anything he reads, but he is trying hard to keep busy somehow.

To add to all of this, his... issue? has become more present. Kaneki cries black tears from time to time. He doesn't know why, he doesn't know what that is - nothing hurts or feels bad, but it's a thing that has been happening and he should probably start to take it more seriously. Not right now, though. The only worry he has about it, is to wash the bedsheets, really; anything besides that, he doesn't think about. He is too messed up to think about that

- or his coffee shop, really. Kaneki will have it closed until the 15th August, hoping by then things feel better. But it's an empty hope, Kaneki realizes.

When he is thirsty, Kaneki slips off his room towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water or prepare coffee. He tries to be quiet and silent, as if he is even there. He won't even mind if he has to drink instant coffee, at this point it doesn't matter. ]

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[Most of the time he's been in his room, Daryl has been busy with work or one of his secret superhero searches for missing kids. And largely he leaves the kid alone. But he has noticed over the course of the last little while that Ken isn't going out as much and that he's been having weird episodes in his room where he fiddles with a book for a while before just doing nothing. Enhanced hearing meant he picked up on a lot of details that usually got hidden when the doors closed.

So eventually he decided to just wait it out. Put his plans on hold. No matter what his thoughts on the kid and what he had to do were, guy was still part of the group. One of the only ones Rick had claimed still left in this world and he was gonna do right by him. As right as he could, anyway.

So he brewed up some coffee and had it sitting in the pot, waiting. And sat with it in the kitchen chair. Also waiting. And when he heard Ken's feet on the stairs coming down, he stood up and shuffled over to the machine and poured a cup for the kid. Set it down at the table and sat across from it.

Nodded to it when Ken came into the room.]

Ain't as good as you make it, but it's hot.

[ when kaneki comes down and he feels the scent of coffee like that, he stares at Daryl for a bit, slightly confused. He hadn't asked the other to make coffee and since Kaneki is the "expert" on it, he's the one usually making it ]

Oh... [ nailed that reply, for sure. ] Thank you. [ even if it's not as good, kaneki will take it, moving to grab the cup. ] You didn't have to. [ to make it, he means. Kaneki knows Daryl is a bit sensitive to smells and coffee might be a bother ]

Wanted to.

[Daryl answered and lifted his chin, indicating the chair.]

Sit a spell, will ya? Ne-... would like to talk to you if that's okay?

[ talk? Did something happen? Kaneki pauses only for a second before he nods ]

Of course, sure. [ he takes a sit in front of Daryl, placing his coffee cup down. Maybe something happened during the whole clone attack? Kaneki didn't ask Daryl if he had a clone of his own but he realizes now he should have asked. ]

Did something happen?

[Daryl shrugged, ducking his head, voice getting small because the sorts of heart-to-hearts he was looking to have here were pretty foreign to him..]

Was wantin' ta ask you the same question. You been... you ain't been yerself, lately.

[ oh? That was... new.

Kaneki blinks, but after a second he smiles a little and shakes his head ] I'm alright. Just a lot of things on my mind with the upcoming plans. [ against Heaven Scent. He isn't lying, but at the same time he also is. Kaneki hasn't been thinking about the HS raid that much ]

I'm sorry I worried you.

[He really doesn't like pressing, but he knows Ken ain't been 'alright'.]

Been holing up in yer room and ain't been goin' ta work or comin' down for nothin' but a drink here and there fer days.

[There was an awkward pause before he broached the topic he hated talking about with the kid.]

...ya ain't been eatin'.

[ he didn't know Daryl noticed Kaneki that much. He usually leaves him be without much of a worry and each of them do their own thing, so it's a bit surprising he noticed Kaneki's (lack of) routine.

but it's the comment about Kaneki not eating that causes him to pause and his smiles drop ]

... I thought we didn't talk about that. [ that was the rule, right? ]

[It wasn't something he liked to talk about, but even still...]

...people gotta eat to survive. Even you. And if you ain't leavin' the house, you ain't eatin'.

[ if they had talked about it, Kaneki could have reassured Daryl ghouls don't need as much food as a human does. Of course Daryl also doesn't know Kaneki often goes to Castile Hotel and March gives him body; he also doesn't know Kaneki's coffee shop has a special area for cannibals and alike with... special dietary needs. ]

A ghoul only needs to eat once a month. [ and Kaneki already ate, for sure. Two bodies, in fact, both on the same day and both not so long ago ]

Honestly, I worry more about your food than mine. [ since Daryl seem to have a real hard time finding anything that will fit him. ]

[If they'd ever talked about it, he'd have known that. He'd been assuming at least one meal a day.]

Oh. That's uh... that's good, then.

[Now he just felt stupid.

He shook his head and picked at the bottom of his cup.]

I get by. Ain't gotta worry about me none.

[ and this is how to diverge the attention on yourself ]

"Getting by" usually isn't enough. [ he sighs softly ] What can you even eat? No matter what I cook it seems like nothing works, so-

Ain't nothin' wrong with yer cookin'.

[He shifted in his seat, visibly uncomfortable with the new direction of the conversation, but not sure how to deflect it anymore. Kid was family at this point. Family was people he should be able to trust. People who should be able to understand. Hell, Ken would probably understand better than anyone else.

Daryl took a deep breath.]

Just... one of them powers I got... made my tastebuds over-sensitive or somethin'. Can't eat a lot of the stuff I used to no more. Have ta... have ta eat... other... stuff.

[ nothing wrong, but it's still wrong for Daryl and what he needs, after all.

Kaneki looks at Daryl in his discomfort, and his attempt at saying something. He tilts his head and his head goes to something else, naturally ] ... is it humans? [ he has to ask. Daryl comes from a world where zombies eat humans, and the Porter is known for its irony. As terrible as it is ]

[Of course that would be the first guess he came up with. It was the first guess Newt came up with when Daryl was talking about some of the powers the porter gave him. The Porter's sense of irony was apparently notorious.

His shoulders tightened and he had to force himself to take a couple deep breaths even as he shook his head 'no'. It wasn't human. Yet. Always a possibility if he weren't careful, though.

He went quiet for a time, clearly struggling with what to say. If he should say it at all. By the point his tea had gotten cold and Kaneki was probably near the bottom of his cup (if he hadn't gotten seconds yet and Daryl just missed it while being in his own world) he finally got the courage to say something.]

Gotta eat shit that's still alive. Or close enough to it ta fool the senses.

[His shoulders stayed hunched and his head down, every line of his body tight and waiting for rejection. For Ken to tell him he was sick. A hypocrite. At least what Ken had to eat didn't still have to be breathing.]

[ if Daryl knew a bit more about Kaneki, he'd know that something like that isn't bothersome to him. It's not something he finds disgusting or wrong. His friends all do that with humans and Kaneki has too done it - with ghouls. He ate ghouls right and left when they were still begging for their lives; of course they are just ghouls and Kaneki doesn't feel remorse for it, neither that he was in the wrong for doing it. But th point is, he doesn't really see having to eat something that was just killed - or still alive - that upsetting.

He gets that it's upsetting to Daryl, maybe but- ]

Hm- well. Plenty of beings do that. [ heck, most do that. Most eat their food fresh ] I mean, if that's what you have to eat, I don't judge in any way. I don't think most would. [ as long it's not human. ]

[Yeah, but most beings didn't have to live with super-hearing that let them hear the screams of the animals he bit into if he did it while they were alive. Sometimes the screams were imagined, but...]

Yeah, well, it ain't that fuckin' easy for me. Just 'cause I can eat like that, don't mean I wanna. It's...

[He'd thought Kaneki would understand. He'd been human once. So he said.]

It ain't right.

[ he had been human once, but he'd rather be eating animals than humans, that's for sure. And the fact that Daryl doesn't have to eat humans is a relief, specially when it's the first thing people will think of when he mentions it; specially when the Porter is known for "small" ironies like that. ]

I know it's not easy being forced to eat something you don't want to. [ all too well. The first couple of times Kaneki ate, he had to be forced food down his throat ] But you don't have other choice, do you?

[He doesn't have to, but if he didn't eat the animals to keep the cravings at bay, he could go crazy and start chowing down on other people. Bad enough they smelled like food to him no matter what he did.

He sucked in another breath and shook his head.]

No. And...

[Fuck, he didn't really want to get into this more. Expressing his feelings was hard.]

Wasn't supposed to be about me. Was tryin' ta talk ta you about... whatever's been wrong.

[ everyone smells delicious to Kaneki. Beyond delicious. He knows that feeling all too well, too. ]

But- [ daryl no ]

This is important to you. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be telling me about it. [ to kaneki, of all the people ]

I told ya so there ain't nothin' more ta tell.

[He huffed and fixed a glare at the middle of the table, trying to shut down that line of talk for good.]

Now it's yer turn. What's got ya all... mixed up or whatever that's keeping you in yer room.

[ Daryl shuts off kaneki and then asks about something he doesn't want to know and will want to shut off too. ]

We don't talk about that. [ and hopefully Daryl will understand Kaneki means eating someone was involved ]

[That meant his eating habits were involved somehow. But he said he'd eaten already. That he didn't need much. So...

He took a deep breath and gave a quiet push past his own boundaries. Kaneki was family. If something was wrong, Daryl needed to try and help with it.]

It ain't never had you holed up in yer room b'fore.

[ kaneki goes silent, looking down at the table and not sure what Daryl expects him to say. He can't tell hiom about it, clearly -

or well, he can. But Kaneki knows how that will end ]

... You don't want to hear about it, Daryl. [ he really doesn't. ]

[He's sure he doesn't. It's already hard enough trying to figure out how to support the guy as it was when he didn't know any details.

Were it someone else, like Carol or Rick, he might not know the details but he'd be able to offer support in a way that could help. Here... he hadn't been through as much with the kid. Just sorta been around him.

He sucked in a deep breath and stood. Moved around the table to stand next to Kaneki. Then reached out and rested a couple fingers on his shoulder, a tentative, light touch. He was't sure how it'd be received.

Took another deep breath.]

That don't mean you don't need ta talk about it. Even if I don't wanna hear it... I can still shut up and listen when it's important. So if it is....

[ when Daryl stands up, kaneki moves his head to look back at the man, but the touch does surprise him. Daryl never really touched Kaneki, and in fact, kaneki didn't think Daryl ever wanted to touch him.

Honestly, he always thought the man mostly put up with Kaneki because he was part of the group, though he would rather not get close, for obvious reasons. Daryl doesn't go further than that, so, yes, this is a surprise.

Kaneki is silent for a moment, before he turns his head away from the other; it's easier to say it when he isn't looking back at him. ]

... I ate two clones. One of them was a clone of a friend.

[That... was a lot to unpack. Kaneki had never denied what he was. What he ate. And he'd always been very forthright and upfront about what he had to do to survive. Not really apologetic about it. But Daryl had also never gotten the impression he liked it. It was just a necessity.

He had to take a couple more deep breaths as he processed that, the rest of him going still. When he spoke next, it was with an obvious attempt at not being judgmental. His voice shaky full of a forced calm.]

It weren't... on purpose were it? You didn't do it cause you wanted ta... ta eat 'em, I mean.

[ he really does try his best to look like he acts logically about his nature, of course. It's his best act ever. But if you ask him, he will call himself a monster.

Regardless, no, Kaneki doesn't like what he is and what he has to do at all.

And he certainly doesn't like to eat clones of friends. it's probably one of the most traumatic things he has done, apart from believing his has eaten his best friend in a frenzy ]

Of course it wasn't...! [ kaneki rises his voice without meaning to, bitting back his tongue right after, he frowns, angry at himself. Sad at himself. he is so fucked up ] Who'd want to do something like that... no one. I'm the only one who would- [ the only one who is so fucked in the head to do such a thing ]

I didn't mean to- he shot me and I just- the bullet was inside my head, i couldn't think, I couldn't control myself, I couldn't even tell what was happening, and I just- [ ate. The pain was so big that eating was the only thing kaneki could do ]

[The relief that it wasn't something he'd chosen to do was enough to have his shoulders sagging and his head dropping while he listened to the rest. It didn't matter why the kid had done it so long as it wasn't something he'd wanted.

Of course, it did actually matter. Because being shot in the head was fucked up in it's entirety and not being able to control himself because of it... kid had it rough. Real rough.

Daryl really wasn't good at this shit. At giving comfort. But Kaneki needed it. He let himself slide to the floor next to the kid's chair. Once he was there, his knees up and his head between his legs as he listened, he reached out for Kaneki. Let his arm settled around the kid's waist. Then tugged at him. A quiet invitation for him to come down from his chair sit next to Daryl. Lean against him if he needed to.]

[ when kaneki feels Daryl tugging at him, he looks down at the man. For someone who is so sensitive to what Kaneki is and has to do, it's strange not to see him back away or tell him to shut up or just saying... something. Anything.

He eventually climbs off his chair and does sit besides Daryl, looking aaway at nothing in particular ]

... i'm sorry. I'm so fucked up. [ he really is, Kaneki knows that. He has known that for a longtime ]

[Daryl's head hung down and he picked at his jeans for a bit before nudging the kid a little in the shoulder.]

Yeah. You are.

[Said with a sigh, but no judgement. A moment later he was turning his head to look at the kid, nudge him again. Best he could do when hugs were so foreign to him.]

But so am I. So is most people. It's okay.

...It's okay to be fucked up. And uh... it's okay ta talk ta me about it. If ya need ta talk. Don't gotta... don't gotta pretend, okay?

[ kaneki is fine with the friendly nudging. He isn't used to hugs, anyway. Kaneki glances back at Daryl and manages to smile a little , before he nods ]

I will try. [ try is the right word. It's very difficult for kaneki to talk about his issues, after all.

but it's alright. He will slowly get there and slowly tell daryl things, for here on ]

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wrapping this up for future feels :p

yesss~