maskormenacelogs | jannat al-ma'wa [OTA]

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jannat al-ma'wa [OTA]

WHO: Cassian, Jyn, K-2SO, Revan, OTA
WHERE: Neojedha in Maurtia Falls
WHEN: huh? continuity? (your choice)
WHAT: The dojo opens (multithreads welcome)
WARNINGS: facepalmingly pompous mun!wish-fulfillment re: community service and indie start-ups; any of the reasons someone might need a shelter situation; PTSD sublimation; TL;DRing up the tauntaun. 1 and 2 are kinda infodumps. 3 (knowing us) ~~could~~ did get smutty. 4's accessibly friendly!

P.S. on taking cultural references from karking everywhere (title: Arabic, passcode: Sanskrit, setting: Americanization of Japanese, characters: none of these…) Cassian's trying to avoid cultural appropriation without even knowing the term; I'm stomping carelessly through the tulips. Hopefully not to conflate any of the cultures or schools of thought. Thinking more of The Cloisters: a museum Frankensteined from many different religious sites and relics, exploring the differences and finding underlying agreements, resulting in a space that feels secularly holy.

1. Neojedha: the dojo (attn. Jyn Erso, K-2SO, Revan, OTAnyone who wants to stop in while the place is active)
2. Haven: the safehouse (closed to Jyn, Kay, Revan)
3. The Bridge: between them (closed to Jyn Erso)
4. Outside: the street, the back alley, the fire escape, the roof, etc (OTA - WHAT a proper prompt)
5. The world: NPC neighbors and friends (if you ever come while they're closed and ask the neighbors about the dojo's staff, this is the info you'll get)

[+ image references: Colleen Wing's Chikara Dojo from "Iron Fist" …babeh]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Moderately better, but infinitesimally so.

Still, if there's nothing else that Jyn has learnt and perfected over the course of her life, it's to swallow away the emotion to focus on a bigger task, something more important than herself, her thoughts, her emotions. She runs through the motions of the class, almost forgetting the vacant look she'd seen staring back at her out on the sidewalk, mind instead focused on physical movements through planes of space and the importance of rhythmic breathing.

Working with children of varying ages is significantly easier than Jyn had ever expected it to be. She may not be overly generous with compliments, but she makes sure to both correct and encourage - never focusing too much on what's "wrong" but rather how it could be improved, and being sure to single out things that were exceptional. She isn't sure whether the kids like her or not, but she finds herself not all that concerned about the concept to begin with; she's happier with the fact that they seem to be learning, and that it's in such measurable ways.

She's stepped outside onto the sidewalk to give a glance around for any other kids who might be lingering nearby. Eun-Ji seems to have a sixth sense at detecting Jyn's presence, and as if on cue, she comes out with a turquoise-colored visor in her hand and shoves it into Jyn's solar plexus.

"I didn't forget!" Eun-Ji says, tapping her temple as she turns back around and walks back to her store. She shares one parting look over her shoulder before crossing the threshold. Jyn glances down at the visor in her hand, turning it over a few times, before walking back into the dojo. She locks the door up behind her while tucking the visor under her arm, then turns around -

And stops at the sigh of Cassian.

Somehow, she knows it isn't a case of an upset stomach or something similar. She knows it's .. related to before. So she doesn't approach right away, instead lightly fiddling with the visor in her hands.

"What is it?"

He shakes his head as if to dismiss the question. Before remembering they're in this life now, what it is, and that it's Jyn.

"Did you ever let yourself think what you'd want your life to look like," he said, "without the war, without…" He shouldn't say it aloud… then did. "If Hadder lived."

…An odd unhappiness to that. Cassian is usually unbelievably unjealous of the thought of Hadder. He usually seems intent on making the old ghost welcome. He was good to Jyn. That's all that matters. But for the first time… the sense of if he hadn't died, I would never… you're only with me because he…

…and why this feeling now? hovering around a stranger sensation in his mind. As if… if I could give you two back to each other… could I bear it…

…and also. Really wanting an answer to the question. What would you have wanted a future with Hadder to be.

She's about to protest his dismissal, but is moderately relieved she doesn't have to when he starts speaking shortly thereafter. But then - she almost wishes he hadn't said anything. Words turn into blades, knives, daggers - all of which seem acutely aligned with and aimed at her heart. She feels their sharpened edges tear through her sternum, pierce the beating, fleshy mass that lies underneath - unaware and unarmed and unprotected.

She sucks in a breath at the sensation and glances down to realize her fingers are shaking.

The things he doesn't say - the insinuations, the threats, the implications. She somehow has the wherewithal to stop herself from picking the visor apart into its crudest pieces, lowering her hands to hold it loosely by her thighs.

"Why are you asking me that?"

He hadn't wanted to hurt her. Oh god. But it seems to be done. And he can't walk back from it. And can't walk away. Has to walk all the way in and look for—hope there was—a way through.

He turned and sat on the platform of crash pads he'd made. Looking down at his hands as they slow-motion beset one another.

"Terrible reasons," he said. "Things I can't be better than right now. But would still be clear to you if I said nothing at all."

would she ever have chosen Cassian if the choice hadn't been made for her
would Hadder have been better to or for her [yes of fucking course he would no way around that one]
would her might-have-been if ever daring to want one have looked the same as his
that Hadder might have been able to give her and Cassian had stolen from himself and so her as well

all the reasons that were utterly unreasonable and fallacious and useless and toxic and why one should never ever allow 'what if's and he knew it and hated that that had nothing to do with feeling it

but the almost angry, almost cruel thread in his mind… as if she had ever been anything but patient and loving with him, as if she had ever pushed or complained, which no, she hadn't… the anger isn't at her, but that only means it has truly nowhere to go… this is the alternative to my drawing away… can we hold this version of me as well or does it break apart

Edited 2017-06-25 05:58 (UTC)

Don't run.

Feet planted. Rooted. Transform into a tree, solid and stable and unearthed only through more extraordinary means.

Don't run.
Don't run.
Don't run.

For stars sake, don't run.

Thought of Hadder, even outside of this context, often tugged at her in strange ways, caught somewhere between the gratitude of having known, loved, held, been held and welcomed by him - and the ever-threatening devastation at having lost him. And, perhaps more than the boy himself (and he had been a boy), what he had represented. What his mother had represented. The chance at a 'normal' life. The chance at a nuclear family who supported, and loved, and encouraged. The chance at stability and roots and habitual patterns and the opportunity to complain about monotony and routine. The chance at the life she'd never, ever known before - had never dreamed of being an option for her, in any capacity.

And so to hear him and his deeper meaning, as well as the same of Akshaya, to be under attack like this, from Cassian no less, drills deeper into her than it would from anyone else.

She bites at the inside of her cheek hard enough to draw blood, its sharp, metallic taste a reminder of her being, her mortality, her humanity. A reminder of what Akshaya and Hadder no longer had and would never be again. Akshaya, Hadder, Galen, Lyra ..

"No." She lets the word fog the air between them for a second. "I never thought about what life with Hadder could have been after he'd died," she places particular emphasis on that word, "because it made no sense to torture myself like that. I didn't have time. I arrived at Five Points with nothing to my name." She snorts bitterly. "Kriff, I didn't even have a name that was mine. Life was hard enough, and it was hard enough to justify why I'd even bother wanting to carry on without them. I didn't need their ghosts haunting me and nipping at my heels on top of it." There's nothing warm or affectionate in her tone; every syllable is a blade, a blaster bolt shooting wildly around the room. The muted color of her eyes sharpens, too.

"Is that what you think of me? After all this? After - After Jedha, and Eadu, and Scarif? That I'd just - casually insert myself into someone's life or - let someone else in because it's convenient? Because there's nothing better? As a replacement option? You think that little of me to even .. to even entertain that thought?" Her voice and words crack with the emotion she's doing her damnedest to choke down. "You think that little of yourself to think of yourself as nothing more than Plan B?"

Edited 2017-06-25 06:23 (UTC)

"Of course I don't." His anger came into his voice now too. How was any of this an attack on Akshaya or Hadder? Or Jyn? "I think none of that of you and never would. But I hate that it doesn't matter. It wasn't about who we were or what we'd choose. I'll never know if there are things I would have chosen to do or not to do because I wasn't given the order. These are a choices you never got to make because the universe, the war, stole them from you. How can we know? We'll never get to find out. The only choices I ever made that weren't about everyone and everything else, weren't defined by what was available and the lesser evil… the only control I ever took of my own life…"

She's seen his life. But had she caught it? Did she care? Whatever she wanted, how could she never wonder… what they did, and kept doing…?

"The only way I would ever have been able to accept taking what I wanted would be in another universe. With another life. I was never supposed to get it."

He suddenly doesn't want to have this conversation. This is his fault, and now she's angry, and she has every right to be, but he couldn't stand it if she turned around to side with him against himself now, what fucking manipulation he would have wrought; nor does he want to fight with her, put his shit more on her shoulders where it does nothing but dredge up unrelated and undeserved pain of hers, or have her tell him what he already knows is true but only a droid can only function on what actually makes sense and I can only try so hard to be a droid…

He stands and turns away. Maybe he'll use the fire escape to climb to the roof. Try to put his face to the sun and the wind as he had on the temple and see if it can burn and blast all this out of him. Come back when he can treat her fairly. Ask for forgiveness.

Risk neither her continued anger nor her excusing him before he can earn it.

don't you even care
don't you even want a reckoning
that I cut out your choice too

Edited 2017-06-25 07:02 (UTC)

"But I make a choice every single day that I wake up. Every single day that I wake up in this - this strange universe, where nothing really makes sense, and nothing is inherently familiar. Where I'm tethered to the ground with no possible way to see the stars again. I made the choice every night when I woke to find myself alone in bed these past few weeks. Every time I reached for you and you pulled yourself away. Every time that I'd ever kissed you, or held you, or touched you, or listened to your heartbeat. Every time that I bared myself - in all the ways a person can possibly be stark naked in front of another person - without worry or hesitation." She's taken a handful of steps forward towards him by now, knuckles white in a death grip on the visor Eun-Ji had given her.

"You're right. I didn't get to make choices before because I wasn't afforded the luxury. Joining Saw, being left, losing Hadder and Akshaya, having to survive, joining the Rebellion. None of those things were because I chose them. But you're still living as a ghost in a life that we aren't in anymore. You're still acting as though we're trying to outrun the shadow of the Empire. And it makes you ignore all of the choices that I do get to make and decide to make every day.

I'm here, with you and in this place," she gestures vaguely around them, "Because I choose to be. Because I chose to stay when I'd wanted to run not so long ago. Because I chose and continue to choose you.

I know the choice that you made for yourself before. The one you keep skirting around, the thing that's unsurfaced such .. hideous feelings. And even with knowing, even with being completely aware of what you've been through and the things you've had to do because your choices were made for you, I'm still here. I've still been choosing to stay."

Her hands lift to either side of her and fall back down in defeat.

"Why do you keep trying to take that choice away from me?"

It just comes out of him. Not emotional. Not an attack. Not a defense. Just… what's there. Not entirely coherent. Bits jumbled out of order. But all that's there. Just gives it voice. Cuts it open and spills it out.

"I'm not. I'm not trying to… do… anything. I can't always control—be in control… Not everything I do is a plan. There's no objective. I'm not trying to leave. I don't want you to leave. I'm less a ghost here than I was ever. I spend every day choosing not to fight the same battles. I don't go tearing after Dooku and Grievous and Hux and figure out who's in Constellation and try infiltrate them or fight them or crack them or murder them or take them down even though I'm afraid—because I'm afraid—they will bring it all back; but if I do I'm helping them do it, making a possible future the definite present; the only way to guarantee my involvement is by creating it, even though it means surrendering control… I'm teaching children and trying to give Kay a fulfilling life and finding a way to accept that I can take what you're willing to share with me because it's so much better than anything I could ever have without you and because refusing it isn't being selfless it's denying what you chose and deserve so much more than anyone too so how to reconcile that what I want and what's best are the same thing for the first time in my life… Even though I'm afraid focusing on it blinds me to what might take it from me but I'm not Anakin Fucking Skywalker. I'm not going to give up what I have for fear of loosing it. I can see the bloody idiotic self-defeating self-fulfillment that is. We can do everything right. You can do everything right for me. I can do better than what I thought my best could be and this still might happen. I don't know if I could choose to put it away. I don't know. I don't think someone should. I never let Kay make the shots for me even though he could do it better because I needed a friend not an alibi or escape or a weapons upgrade and if you're going to murder someone your hand should fucking shake. Maybe I can't let go of this or maybe I refuse maybe they're the same thing I don't know—maybe I'm trying to give you this choice. I tried to make it for you myself by keeping this away from you. This is it. This is what I tried not to put on you. My keeping it from you was the plan and the choice. And you understood and you let me and you waited and you took me the moment I turned back to you and you were amazing and it hurt you and I don't want you to protect me from your pain even when I'm causing it so I understand what it means that you want the same… I don't agree with myself and what I feel and that doesn't matter… There's no plan. Reprogramming Kay was like becoming a parent and now we're teaching children and I want a child with you so badly, if you wanted me to give one into you and help you both grow and get to meet another person with your sarcasm and your eyes, but it doesn't matter if you might or might not because I once chose to kill the future that I wanted so much it might keep me from giving it up when I had to and. I don't know what I'm saying, Jyn."

"You say you can't always be in control and that not everything you do is a plan, but - but that's exactly what you're doing now. That's exactly what you've done. You made my choice for me by simply .. assuming that I want a child, by assuming that this is somehow a - deal breaker between us. That your worth and your value and your importance to me lies solely in what you can give me - in terms of reproduction and elsewhere. You've pigeonholed me into a box of what you expect of me and what you think I'll feel, or say, or do, or think.

Cassian, I'm - I'm just a human. I'm nothing more or less than anyone else. I've done things I'm not proud of. I've had things done to me that shouldn't have happened. But I'm still only human. I'm not anything more than that.

If I were to answer your question now, given that I don't have an answer for it based on who I used to be, I would say that no - I don't think I would've been better off with Hadder. I don't think that I would have wanted to .. settle down, have a family. How could I live with myself for bringing a life into the galaxy we lived in? War-torn and constantly full of death and destruction. I probably would've been doomed to repeat my parents' mistakes. The Empire would've figured out my identity eventually; they would've made the link between me and my father. They would've tracked me down, hunted me. I would've had to have put a child through what I was put through - never staying on the same planet for more than a year, never having friends outside of inanimate toys, never feeling secure, never knowing stability, never having any idea of consistency.

Even if Hadder could have - and would have - done his best to try and protect me and our hypothetical child, it wouldn't have been enough. Just as what my father had done hadn't been enough. There's no "enough" when it comes to the Empire. You know that as well as I do. I probably would've met the same fate as my mother, staring down the barrel of a blaster and the mask behind it." She pauses to catch her breath, aware of the fact that she's no longer shaking. She takes a step forward.

"I choose you, yesterday and today and tomorrow. I'll always choose you. You mean so much more to me than your ability to give me a child that I don't think I'd want to begin with. You - you make me feel safe. Safe in a way I've never felt before in my life. You give me hope. You ground me when I feel like I'm going to vaporize into thin air." Her shoulders shrug, heavily, matched with the sigh that escapes her. "You told me 'welcome home' once, and I knew that I was. For the first time. I knew that I was. It wasn't on Yavin, it wasn't in the temple.

I knew I was home because my home was - is - you."

It was the first time in this world that they fundamenally hadn't understood each other.

…It was so strange that… that came with… a fragment of… relief.

Another 'what if', not consciously recognized but long unaddressed: her new power and his ability to share it. Dying together… somehow not the issue. Somehow still part of them. But sometimes gnawing at the back of his mind: could they have been together like this without the intervention, independent of themselves, of telepathy?

His back had been to her for his torrent. Rigid and brittle. He slowly faces her as she speaks. Still drawn in on himself. But attending.

"Actually," he said, so quietly the ambient sounds of the room and the world came back with it, "I assumed you wouldn't want kids. Strategically, this works out. It's a mismatch we'll never have to overcome. Even if you did, I know that's not my worth to you, and there are options beyond biology… and given the opportunity, the full reality, I might not actually choose it either.

"Let me just…"

Words… which…

He violently shook his head.

It's not a test. It's not an assumption. It's not about you. I just kriffing hurt all right… and… nanites or telepathy or dying or you… this is a reaction I've never allowed myself to try before… and perhaps it's wrong, perhaps there's middle ground I need to learn about between suppressing and letting it just unleash on you… and perhaps you're right that there is one ulterior plan of just… seeing what happens when…

He shook his head more slowly.

Out of words, now. Out of thoughts. No idea what he'd even want to happen next.

Lifepod ejected into void. At some point it could be collected. It didn't have its own steering or propulsion abilities, so it would have to be.

He tries to imagine the people whose names are on these walls. How they'd punch him. Baze outright, Chirrut unexpectedly, Bodhi with big eyes.

Maybe he'd just needed to feel this for a moment. He'd never let himself acknowledge or grieve.

Maybe he'd just done something unfair and wrong to Jyn for no good reason. And he knew it wasn't a deal-breaker but he would still have to face it when he stopped spinning.

Maybe they could both be right.

Maybe she could hit him in the head and make it stop. How these feelings didn't go away even though things were good.

"You assumed that I wouldn't? Then why -" Her voice trails off, strangled by the swirling head and bubbling, frothing confusion just beneath her forehead. Her brows gather with concentration, with perplexity, with frustration. She puffs out a jet of air as she shrugs vaguely and glances down to the visor in her hand. She's ripped apart a bit of the back where it fastens together, but nothing to make it less structurally sound.

She wonders if Eun-Ji is pressing her ear to the wall, trying to listen to as much as she can.

"I just wanted a quiet life. One where I didn't have to keep running. One where I could be a part of a family that didn't get themselves killed, that didn't .. ignore me to lose themselves in theorems and equations and missions and warfare and death tolls. I just .. I just wanted someone - someone - to stick around. Just once. Not for a year, not for seven, not for eight." Hadder and Akshaya, Galen and Lyra, Saw.

Jyn exhales and lets her body fold along with it to her knees, eyes still glued to the visor which she's been futilely trying to repair with the heat and strength of her fingers.

Maybe this is what they both needed - exclamation and vibrating vocal chords about all of the things they'd lost, all of the things they'd had taken, everyone who'd died. Far too many. Maybe they each needed to feel the very things they'd been ignoring, shoving down further and further into their gut with no thought of consequence or the fact that seams aren't meant to be under so much pressure. But now, she feels this volcanic rupture in her gut - one full of sulfur and bubbling lava. Hot, searing, nauseating.

Her eyes close, and the next time they open, she's no longer looking through her own cosmic gaze but rather, that of a large, dark creature.

He jolts slightly at the transformation. But is steady when he meets the creature's eyes.

He knows he's capable of following her, sharing this as well… but doesn't.

Instead, he moves forward
and kneels in front of her.
Bowing his head to expose his neck, his spine,
to her.

The creature's ears flicker with every minute sound it picks up, like the galaxy's strongest comm tower. Its gaze flickers from ceiling (it hears the birds landing and chirping on the roof and fire escape), the wall shared with the Lees (it hears them arguing in a language Jyn doesn't understand), then to the dark-haired man exposing his spine to it.

Sign of submission.

It starts with a rumbling, rhythmic growl - mostly as a result of coming to terms with its existence in this small room. It paces while it thunders, from left to right, mouth slightly agape to assist in the absorption of smell, multi-hued eyes honed in the man. Its thick, heavy paws thud against the wooden floor with each step, small scuff marks left with each scrape of its claws. Its long tail hangs loosely from the base of its own spine as it slowly approaches.

It circles around the man's back once, then again - this time coming to inspect with heightened olfactory senses. It can smell the sweat coating the man's skin, can memorize the molecular signature of his scent. It circumnavigates around him half way, this time coming to sit in front of him. A few high-pitched chirps echo next, sounds of recognition and beckoning, as it lays itself down on the ground, paws neatly resting in front of its chest, the tip of its tail gently twitching.

Cassian watched it in silence. Wondering again at this… perfect cheat. A way out of the moment that wasn't either of them deserting the other.

But why draw the lines at powers. None of this is anything you had in the last life. If you're grateful for any of it, be grateful for all of it.

The beast lies down, and Cassian closes his eyes.

His hands which he'd laid empty palms up, he turned over at last to grip his knees.

It's hard to sit with himself. But in this place, with this creature, he tries.

…The thread distant and delicate in his mind. I am one with… the Force is with…

It can't be his mantra but he uses the memory of Chirrut's chant as a focus, to push everything else at bay.

They're still sitting there as the sunlight fades, and the only light now with them is an insufficient but silver outlining of the next building's electricity.

It inches forward, little by little, towards the man's hands. It can read the heat signature of his body, spot every working organ within the fleshy boulder the man has turned himself into. Hears the beating of his heart, the sound of his rushing air, the micromovements of his tongue against the roof of his mouth as he begins to say something before seeming to decide better of it and stops.

As the light fades, the creature blends more and more in with the shadows of the room. The only clear indications of its presence are the huffs of air through its nostrils, the sweeping sound of its tail against the ground, and the subtle glow of its eyes.

Once close enough, it nudges at one of the man's hands with its snout, then dips its head down and forward, rubbing its forehead against his knee. Another rumbling vibrates the air, but this time, it's obvious it isn't one of aggression. It would be recognizable as a much louder version of the purring they'd shared while transformed into the smaller feline creatures weeks before.

After a few rubs, it flops down on its side, resting its heavy head on the top of the man's thigh, the one connected to the knee it had rubbed - glowing, incandescent peering up at him curiously.

Edited 2017-06-26 01:33 (UTC)

…It didn't feel strange as he feared it would… he'd winced at the thought of Jyn turning herself into… a different species than him… trying to wrap his mind around how the way he thought and felt about her, especially sexually, could possibly be compatibly translated to… a completely different power dynamic and…

But this… Maybe because she's more powerful than him now. Jyn in person could always hold her own against Cassian. In this form, she's now risen from Cassian's level to Kay's: could kill him with instant ease.

He ignores all the whispers of what it says about him that that makes him feel… safer.

Because it was never the threat of the other person that tortured him. It was his potential threat to them.

He couldn't quite bring himself to pet her the way he would an animal that… didn't have the woman he loved inside it. Even though he's runs his fingers and nails over her in human form in a not dissimilar way. There's a lot of grey area (isn't there kriffing always) between infantilizing and sexualizing, which he is actually very adept at navigating with other sentients, but… this in-between with this creature who's also Jyn, it's just… safer, for him, to remain still. Be the one acted upon, not the one who acts.

Except… the body language she gave him now. The trusting pose, the physical contact, the luminous eyes.

Slowly, he extended his open hand where she could see it coming, moving it to hover near her face. Available for her to guide him as she liked.

Fragments of thoughts - inner turmoil, conflicted reactions - flutter their way through the mind's eye that still belongs to Jyn, but they're muted, muffled by the greater and more powerful instinct of the creature she inhabits. She might chirp or bark at some of the thoughts he has, the animal mind fully expecting him to simply understand what it is that it's trying to convey, but the human part of her knowing full well he won't. Not entirely.

The creatures cranes its neck to sniff at the hand with interest, the cold mucous covering its nose a stark contrast to the heat radiating off of his palm. It can smell the fabric of his clothes on it, the various things he's touched throughout the day, and - interestingly - the lingering scent of .. Jyn.

Another beckoning chirp pierces the silence (though, like this, silence can never really exist so long as there were other lifeforms outside and inside of the walls) before it presses its forehead against his palm again, grunting in what would easily be interpreted as joy or happiness. It lifts itself off of the ground again and knocks its body into and against the man, first with one side of its body then the other, before coming back in front of him and flopping down again, half-laying on the man's legs now, belly up. A large, weighty paw stretches up in the air before relaxing back down in a bent pose, the other reaching to tap his hand.

He would always obey her, in any form. He ran his hand slowly over her soft skull, down her neck, brushing the velvet she presented him for actual touch, not necessarily the belly that was feline language for safe, acceptance not so pet this too. But the muscles of her forelegs joining her chest, her sternum and vibrating throat.

And was unaware of the tears slipping easily down his face until one dropped onto her dark fur.

The creature stagnates quite happily underneath his touch, leaning and craning its head and neck into his hand. Its purring grows so loud that it seems to vibrate the walls of the room, rattling the windows by the door. Eyes half-close in contentment and tranquility, but then it flinches under the droplet, though it's more Jyn's doing than the animal itself. It lands at the carpus, and the creature lifts its wrist to its snout to groom away the moisture with a swipe of its barbed tongue.

It watches him with careful curiosity, eyes almost unblinking and practically alight of their own volition. It stays this way for a second or two before it rolls itself away from the man and onto its belly, shifting into her normal, human form.

She always forgets that her clothes melt off when she transforms, but she doesn't seem to care - even with the threat of a voyeur somewhere across the street. Or, worse, the Lees peering into see what all the strange noises have been. She crawls her way back over to him, before kneeling and stretching her arms out towards him as though needing to understand their mechanics instead of paws, and wraps them around him.

His hands move up her back, fingers curling around her shoulders from below, pressing into the interplaying muscles and sinews, feeling them flex and flow under his hands; bowing his face to them as he held on and let it all bleed down his face.

"I'm sorry," he says in a thick voice. Not for all of it… he needed… possibly they needed… some of it recognized, some of it let out… acknowledged, remembered. But— "I shouldn't have brought him into it." That had just been… weak. It was good that Jyn hadn't had to die before experiencing love.

"No," she replies, agreeing with the better choice of having left ghosts lie amongst the stardust and interstellar atoms where they float. But her tone isn't harsh or reprimanding; it's soft, and delicate. It smooths over them both the way her hands do through the fabric of his shirt, holding him close to her beating heart. "I loved Hadder, and I don't think I would've gotten through that year without he and Akshaya. I never even told him how I felt about him; not once. I just assumed he knew; maybe he didn't. I don't know. But he isn't here with me now. He isn't the one I think of first thing in the morning, or last thing at night.

But .. that being said, I don't - I don't want you to not tell me things, out of fear of hurting me. Getting angry, getting upset, they're .. they're okay. They're normal, I think. If we're going to make it, if we're going to last, we have to be able to talk about all of the things we'd rather not." She turns her head to brush her lips against the crook of his neck with affection. "Even if it's hard."

Her gentleness with justice, neither punishing him nor letting him off the hook in a way he couldn't have stood, makes him press a kiss to the skin at her neck too: agreement and gratitude. Yes. There were worse crimes than being wrong.

He could misstep and they would… survive.

A new life indeed.

He didn't think about it; no mind to psychology or power moves or implications as such a gesture would always carry in his past, with anyone else. Just feeling the chill of the night on his own face and her bare skin and instinctively wanting to counteract it. He sat back and pulled off the light sweatshirt he'd put on over his undershirt after class. He put it around her, instead. His arms returning to encircle her, with it.

"Thank you," he said quietly. To all of it. To letting him be wrong. To having that be all right. To everything else.

He hoped not to repeat this often. (Ideally not at all. But he didn't need Kay to tell him the probabilities on that.) He would still try, perhaps more than he should, not to let such pain come out at her where she would inevitably feel it too. But being able to do so, both with her blessing and in his own capability… was… remarkable. Far beyond what had been possible last life.

He kissed her again, closer to her shoulder this time, before smoothing the cotton sleeve properly up her arm and holding her in it, against him.

"And I don't know what animal you were," he murmured again after a moment. "But thank you for not eating me."

She smiles into the warmth of his sweatshirt - both for the fabric itself immediately blocking out the breath of the nighttime and for the lingering heat of his body still trapped and woven in its fibers. She'd .. sort of forgotten, about her exposure. There's no part of her Cassian has yet to discover, touch, taste, know - but it's more than that. It's the willingness, the comfortableness of being made vulnerable around him. No hesitation, no second-thought.

Still, chasing away the chill is nice, and it draws up a hushed giggle out of her.

She hums a response to his gratitude, as if to say she knows. She understands. She's with him (all the way).

"I'm not entirely sure myself," she replies with a bright chirp of laughter, in earnest this time. "It's strange, having to share a brain with a creature you don't even know. But if it helps, the thought of turning you into food was never even a possibility." She pauses. "Was I that large? I couldn't really tell."

"Like an organic feline Kay," he answered. A fairly accurate analogy of size, a tribute to the seemingly glowing eyes and metalblack fur with steely muscles beneath; and very much to capitalize on that laugh.

That was surely not what (if pretending anything) had been intended.

A monosyllable exhale of air, similar to a laugh of disbelief.

".. What?" That's not the analogy she would've expected, but - she supposes it makes some sense. She can understand it, then. Her size, the similarities. She lets out another trickling laugh. "Well. .. Anyway." She'll remember that.

"It felt oddly powerful. Unlike what we'd turned into in the forest. Yet - it kept wanting to hide. Go unseen and retreat into shadow. It didn't want to be out in the open."

jannat al-ma'wa [OTA]

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