maskormenacelogs | (no subject)

[Ronan isn't sure about how he feels about Matthew being here.

On one hand, he's relieved; Matthew is here, it's one less thing to worry about, to think about, to miss. Matthew is here without Declan, making it even better.

On the other hand, Matthew is here and he just woke up from a sleep that lasted however long he was gone, and that's-

It's uncomfortable to think about in the long run and almost something Ronan panics over in the short. Does Matthew know? Has he realized? He knows he'll have to talk to him about it, and it's not something he wanted to do. Who wants to throw that wrench of identity politics at one of the people he has left, the people he loves the most?

But Ronan isn't a coward and Ronan isn't a liar. He finds Matthew's room and opens the door.]

Let's take a walk.

[ Matthew very nearly jumps up at the suggestion, immediately meeting Ronan at the door. ]

Okay.

[ This is something he's been waiting for. He's been making some attempts to stay calm, because from what he's picked up so far it's been a strange day for everybody, not just him. But the phone he's still clutching in his hand has a week's worth of missed calls, and it opens up a nervous pit in his stomach.

This feels like when he found the gun in Declan's car. No one wanted to tell him what was going on then, either, but maybe now, maybe Ronan will explain, help Matthew make sense of everything. ]

Ronan--

[ How to even begin? ]

I don't know what's going on.

[Once they're outside, there's Chainsaw, flying, landing at Ronan's shoulder, making clicking noises with her beak at Matthew in a raven-y hello. Ronan walks a bit, quiet, trying to keep this fury inside of him. He didn't want to do this. Suddenly he understands Declan's predicament a bit better, and that makes him even angrier.

But he doesn't take his anger out on Matthew. That's an impossible thing.]

You mean why we're here?

[That's not what Matthew means. It's too close to a lie for comfort.]

[ Too close for comfort, but not enough of a lie for Matthew to know about it. He gives an earnest, innocent shake of his head. ]

No, not that.

[ Make no mistake, he still can't explain how exactly they all ended up in another dimension with superpowers, but that isn't what's bothering him right now.

Chainsaw is herself, at least, settled in her usual place on Ronan's shoulder. Matthew looks up as they walk and waits for the others, the songbirds that can't seem to resist fluttering down into his hair whenever he and Ronan are outside together. But today it's just Chainsaw; the rest of the Meadow's avian life no longer feels the need to say hello, and for Matthew at least, their absence is notable, another thing that's changed without him knowing. ]

I mean. You were here, and then you left, and now you're back.

I don't remember anything.

[He says it and the frustration in his voice is evident; he doesn't remember anything and he hates it. He wants to remember. He wants to know what he was doing here. He wants to remember kissing Adam for the first time.

But he doesn't and it's annoying.]

I'm not the same.

[He says it and it's uncomfortably true, even though it's not quite. He's not the same because he had experiences here once, and they're not the experiences he's had elsewhere. But he looks at Matthew.]

Spit it out.

[ Matthew's voice is quiet. ]

I know. It's fine.

[ Fortunately, he has had some experience here already with people not remembering things that they were supposed to know. Of course, that was Adam, that was Gansey, a ten-year-old Gansey--not Ronan, not his brother. But Matthew can't bear seeing him upset, so it's fine.

That Ronan doesn't remember being here before is not the only thing bothering him, anyway. ]

I don't remember everything, either. Like when you left, or when you were gone.

[ He takes a breath, and Ronan told him to "spit it out" so he finally does. ]

Because-- I think I was asleep the whole time.

[ As he speaks, he holds up the phone he's been tightly squeezing this whole time and offers it to Ronan, as testimony to his claim. He's yet to return any of the missed calls, from work, school, friends, even Dorian Gray, of all people; the notifications have just been sitting there, evidence of some weighty thing. Matthew knows that people don't simply fall asleep for days at a time. At least, normal people don't. Real people don't. But he won't believe anything for sure until the words come out of Ronan's mouth, and he looks at his older brother now with an urgent sort of trust in his eyes. ]

[He goes really quiet for a minute. He owes this to Matthew. They all owe it to Matthew, he thinks, but maybe he owes it the most, because he's the one who dreamed him up, because he's the one who created him. His perfect, sweet, funny little brother. A real person. Someone amazing and incredible. And stupid. And slow. But good-hearted. Honest. A perfect playmate.

He won't lie to him.

He doesn't lie but especially not about these sorts of things. Identity things.]

I know.

[He does know.]

Without me, that's what you'll do.

[ Suspecting something and having it confirmed are two very different things. Matthew slows, then stops altogether as the weight of the truth settles upon him. Ronan never lies. Ronan guards the truth, sometimes, but he doesn't lie, and his words can only mean one thing. ]

I'm one of your dreams.

[ Matthew's voice trembles a little because saying it out loud makes it entirely real that he is not, in fact, the natural born son of Niall and Aurora Lynch. That he's not a natural born son of anyone.

A dream. One of Ronan's dreams. Plucked out his sleep and brought into the real world by magic, just like their mother was--who also fell asleep when cut off from her dreamer. Who spent a year motionless and unaware because of it.

Matthew sits down suddenly on the grass, wrapping his arms around his knees. It's too much to think about all at once; he needs a few moments to go through everything one piece at a time. ]

[He watches Matthew sit, and feels unsure for a moment, but then he sits, too, puts his his arms over his knees.]

Matthew.

[He hates to admit it, but Declan is better at this. Declan is better at comforting Matthew. But after an awkward moment, he puts an arm around Matthew's shoulder, and pulls him close.]

[ Matthew leans against him quietly for a moment, a little unsure himself. It's confusing. He didn't know what was going on and now he does, but the facts don't tell him how to feel about it. ]

I didn't know.

[ Obviously. What he doesn't say, what he could ask and doesn't, is why Ronan never told him. ]

Everybody else does, don't they?

[ Gansey and Adam aren't stupid, and they were there when Aurora woke up, so if they didn't know before they must know now. Matthew's not sure how to feel about that either. ]

They do now.

[He presses his face against the top of Matthew's head.]

I didn't remember. Declan told me.

[Declan told him not so long ago.]

I was three.

You were three.

[ In spite of everything, there's a hint of younger brotherly awe in Matthew's tone. Of course, if he were to think about it for two seconds, he'd realize that Ronan could only have been very young when it happened. Matthew remembers being a child--climbing fruit trees since the first time Ronan lifted him up to the lowest branch, wrestling in the grass, their father's stories, every day at the Barns full of laughter and freedom.

But after learning what Ronan could do, Matthew never guessed that he'd been able to do it since he was three years old. ]

And Declan told you. He knows, too.

[ That eases a great deal of the confusing tightness in him. Declan knows. Aurora and Niall must have known. Being a dream never made him less Aurora's favorite, less Declan's little brother.

He must still belong to them. ]

[He hears that and there's a measure of conflict in Ronan over that. Because he was three, he was always like this, he was always something strange and not quite right. He was three and he decided he wanted a little brother and so he had a little brother. It was so simple, he must have thought. There was no concern that he wasn't quite right.

Why didn't his dad ever tell him what they were? Why did he leave him to worry about it, in the quiet of church? Why didn't he ever point out the beautiful things that Ronan could do?

Why did Declan do just that?

Ronan didn't know.]

Yeah, he knows. I think he's always known. Mom and Dad, too. It was you, and me.

You're mine, you know. My brother.

[That doesn't change, but Ronan doesn't know how to say it.]

[ Matthew closes his eyes and turns to bury his face in Ronan's shoulder, pressing close to him in a way that only one other living creature tends to get away with on a regular basis, and she's a bird.

Matthew loves him--wholly, simply. Maybe he can't do otherwise, be any other way, but he doesn't want to, so does it matter? He's never striven to be someone else, never worried about who he is, even though he fails at so much more than his brothers ever have, even though he knows he isn't as clever as Declan or as full of potential as Ronan or as brave as either one of them.

Joy, affection, contentment, an easy laugh. Those are gifts that Ronan gave to him. ]

You, too. You're mine, too.

[ It's a little thing for him to say, or maybe it isn't. Ronan created him out of nothing more than a thought in his sleep. That should change things, but somehow, now that Matthew knows, it doesn't. Not in a way that matters to him all that much. ]

I can't believe you were three.

[ This time his words carry a faint tease of that laugh. ]

[Well, a bird.

And soon, maybe another boy. But he isn't ready to talk about that yet.]

Yeah, well I'm surprised you came out fully cooked and with a brain, considering I was three.

[Rude, but accurate.]

[ And there's the actual laugh, loud and sudden enough to startle Chainsaw. Matthew pulls away from Ronan so he can give his older brother a shove. ]

You're so rude sometimes.

[ But he's still laughing and sounds thoroughly unoffended. Fully cooked, it's funny. (He doesn't feel half-cooked.) ]

Only sometimes?

I have to step up my game.

[He raises an eyebrow, but he's smirking a bit. Matthew is smiling. It can't be so bad.]

[ Matthew is smiling. ]

Not really, you don't.

[ It's not so bad. But before he forgets, before they get totally caught up in jokes, there are some other things he needs to run by his brother. The little details that are still a concern. ]

Hey, Ronan? I missed a week of school. And work. I've got a job here.

[ Also Dorian Gray has been nosing around, but Ronan doesn't even know him anymore, so Matthew doesn't think to ask for his advice on what to do about that. What he's saying, without actually saying it, is "what should I do?" Finding out that he's a dream is a lot easier to accept than such a thing likely should be, but that doesn't mean he wants to tell everybody about it. ]

You want Gansey to handle it?

[Because Gansey can handle this. This is right in Gansey's wheelhouse.]

[ Matthew picks thoughtfully at one of his shoelaces. ]

I think he already called some people. But I still have to go back in.

[ He expects to get some questions from his friends, his coworkers, even after all of Gansey's damage control. ]

What should I tell everybody?

Tell them whatever you want to tell them. You don't owe anyone anything.

[He flicks something, and looks away a moment, and then back at Matthew.]

Do you want people to know? I don't care either way. It's up to you.

[ That surprises him a little, and he sets his chin on one knee so he can think. It's been kind of a thing that they don't talk about what Ronan can do.

But knowing it's up to him, that it's his own decision--that actually feels nice. ]

I don't want everyone to know.

[ Dorian Gray, for one. Just the thought makes Matthew scrunch up his nose in displeasure. ]

But I have a friend, Lucy. It's really okay if I tell her?

[He softens a little. They're not supposed to say. But it's Matthew's life too. And Ronan doesn't want to dictate that. Secrets are things someone chooses to keep, or doesn't.]

Do you trust her?

[ Matthew thinks about that for a second too, and then nods. ]

She's my friend. I don't think she'd tell anyone else.

[ And he doesn't want to keep it from her. ]

Then tell her.

[He looks a bit unsure.]

It's your life, Matthew.

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dreamkid - 2016-05-15 18:45 (UTC) - Expand

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