[semi-closed] kiss the cook

[5055034455]

WHO: Saul Goodman & his housemates
WHERE: Heropa gov't house #012
WHEN: Afternoon — evening of 9/14
WHAT: Saul decides to put some of his cash advance from Jesse toward acquiring a grill and a stack of things to cook on it. Barbecue time! (Threadhopping is encouraged!)
WARNINGS: None; will update if needed.

[It's been a while since Saul last had to share his living space with someone else, and even though the housing he's been given is spacious and comfortable, he's finding it harder and harder to avoid his housemates — especially since one of them is now a freaking dinosaur. It's not that he's been antisocial lately, or so he'd swear; he's just busy. He's trying to adjust. He needs space to think and organize his new life, because he's already got so much going on, and and and —

The excuses are starting to sound, in a word, lame. What's making it worse is that he's already gone out with Freddie, so avoiding her just seems like a dick move, and it's even harder to ignore the teenager when he'd been so nice to Saul over the network, and the dinosaur is — well, the dinosaur is a dinosaur, and Saul does not want to be on a dinosaur's shit list.

So he decides the best course of action to take in order to instill a sense of community in this house of theirs is to buy a grill, fire it up, and get cookin', because nothing says "let's be friends" like food. And that's exactly what he does: thanks to Jesse's cash advance, what Saul winds up lugging into the backyard with the help of two other guys is a large box that eventually becomes a shiny, shiny grill capable of cooking (almost) literally an entire cow at once. And soon enough, come mid-afternoon, he's out there with a stack of assorted meats and a spatula and a set of tongs and an apron that demands someone kiss him.

If people thought his suits were bad, they haven't seen him in what he apparently considers casual Florida wear: Bermuda shorts with a Hawaiian shirt. And then there are the flip-flops. And that goddamn apron.

And his stupid, stupid grin as he bops along to the music coming from the radio and the sound of meat sizzling, like this is the best vacation he's ever had.]

Comments

[tooscience]

[Mammal roommates! MAMMAL ROOMMATES!

Mammals kidnapped him and put him with mammal roommates! More fuel to the hatred fire most certainly, but he'd play along to their stupid game for now. Stupid mammal authority people, they'd never expect his betrayal and use of their own tech in destroying them all! All mammals would die.

Eventually.

When he got some crystals... and maybe some nukes.

For now he was playing nice. Be the nice harmless dinosaur that no one ever suspects and not eat or horribly murder and experiment on his mammalian roommates. Yes. His acting was flawless! So flawless that- meat. He smelt meat.

Meat was good. And almost instantly H'ssssk is darting outside to check things out.

FOOD!]

[5055034455]

[Saul doesn't know what he expected, since he thought he was expecting a dinosaur, but —

The sight of H'ssssk, who is really an actual, honest to God dinosaur, makes him want to piss his pants.

He freezes at the grill and stares at his new roomie with wide, worried eyes. What he wants most is to see what kind of teeth the dinosaur has — maybe they'll all get lucky and he'll turn out to be an herbivore...?]

Um. H-hi.

[tooscience]

[Unfortunately there's no such luck for Saul. H'ssssk is 100% carnivore and if his teeth don't prove they're for cutting and ripping, then his claws certainly do show they're made just to cling and cut. Honestly anyone who'd seen Jurassic Park and had nightmares about the velociraptors would probably break down in tears of fear. He looks exactly like a raptor from the movie and not at all what science says they'd look like. Really going off science he'd be more of a dromaeosaurus, deinonychus or utahraptor. Without feathers.

FEATHERS ARE LIES! MAMMAL SCIENTISTS LIE!

Fortunately for Saul, H'ssssk is far more interested in the meat than him.]

What are you barbecuing, mammal roommate?

[5055034455]

[It wasn't the velociraptors Saul had nightmares about; his nightmares were more along the lines of being plucked out of a porta-potty by a pair of huge jaws.

But this is, you know, almost as bad.

Good thing Saul stocked up on the meat just in case.]

Meat, mostly. There's, uh — [Gesturing with the tongs:] Brats, burgers, steak. Plenty more where this came from, too. You hungry?

[tooscience]

[Thankfully being snatched off a porta-potty was unlikely to happen. At least by H'ssssk.

But meat. Meat was excellent! And there was so much of it. It was like some meaty tribute to the dinosaur god, that was him!]

Can you cook it properly, mammal roommate?

[He pushes his face up close to the barbecue, eying the meat like if this mammal doesn't know how to cook they'll all just spontaneously explode. Can't be too careful with a mammal handling things.]

[5055034455]

[That's totally what Saul was going for!

...wait.

Saul leans back when H'ssssk moves closer, with a puzzled look on his face.]

You don't eat it raw?

[tooscience]

[The comment makes H'ssssk's snout scrunch up, almost insulted. Almost. If it hadn't come from a mammal it definitely would have been insulting.]

I can eat both!

[Raw. Cooked. He eats whatever he feels like.]

Are you saying I can't have cooked meat, mammal roommate?

[5055034455]

No! No, I — no, man, no, I'd never tell anyone what they can or can't eat.

[Please don't eat him, though. That's Saul's main concern right now.]

You can have both if you want!

[tooscience]

[He eyes Saul up and down for a moment deciding if he believes the man or not. Eating him really isn't on his list of things to do.]

That is what I thought, mammal roommate!

[He pulls back to cross his arms and look thoroughly insulted.]

You can make mine rare.

[5055034455]

Rare it is.

[Gonna just go ahead and slap a fresh steak on the grill while trying to not look too guilty...]

Um. [Glancing H'ssssk's way:] You can call me Saul. And this is my first time meeting a dinosaur — or talking to anyone not human or, uh, humanoid — so I apologize for any... y'know, weirdness.

[tooscience]

Dr. Dinosaur.

[He huffs, just in case the mammal doesn't already know his name. Well the name people call him, since his name was supposedly too difficult to pronounce. Stupid mammals and their stupid language.

All mammals are weird, your awkward half-ape mannerisms are nothing new, Saul mammal! You seem nervous, is it my majestic being?

[5055034455]

[Saul-mammal.

That's — almost cute, in a terrifying way.

He shrugs his shoulders, trying not to look nervous. But he definitely still does.]

I mean — yes? It's kind of unnerving and a little humbling, um, being in the presence of another apex predator. Not that there can be two, but in my world, dinosaurs are —

[He presses his lips together. This is probably a sensitive subject.]

[tooscience]

Calling your species that is laughable!

[Them. Apex predators. They could barely manage fights online, they were useless with fights in person.]

The only reason there's so many of you is because your energies killed my kind.

[5055034455]

[Saul can't argue with that.

But —

He squints, brows furrowing.]

In your world, maybe. Where I come from, an asteroid did it. Supposedly. But you guys, you stopped existing way before we did.

[tooscience]

It was your energies in all twenty-three dimensions! Your scientists are filled with lies!

[I mean come on now, he'd know. He was there.]

Time-space is simple! And the whole saurian rule thing is easy enough to fix.

[5055034455]

Twenty-th—

[That was the sound of Saul's brain breaking. SCIENCE????]

All I took out of high school science was E=mc² and some other stuff about, like, valence electrons. And I think space is cool. I had a telescope when I was a kid, but beyond that? I'm an idiot.

[tooscience]

My genius is unparalleled, but it is good of you to admit your idiocy. Not many half-apes do.

[In fact many call him the dumb one, but they're all liars. And dumb.]

Unless you become a time traveler like myself, you cant talk about how we died, Saul-mammal.

[5055034455]

[There we go. Humbling oneself in front of super-genius dinosaurs: now officially noted as a Good Tactic.]

So if you're a time traveler, which I would argue we all are on account of us ImPorts being, y'know, imported, but — [he waves a hand] — semantics — anyway, can't you get out of here?

[tooscience]

You're all unintended time-space travelers, it doesn't count.

[The mammals here didn't do it intentionally, they could hardly be considered real time travelers.]

I can leave whenever I want.

[He nods, it completely true and he isn't at all stuck in this place.]

Once I get enough crystals.

[5055034455]

[Well excuse him.]

Yeah? What kind of crystals?

[tooscience]

[He folds his arms, looking as though this was the simplest question in all of the dimensions.]

The kinds with the right resonance frequencies.

[5055034455]

Is there a name for these, or...?

[tooscience]

Quartz, calcite, bismuth, dioptase, fluorite, goshenite, petalite, stuff like that! Do I need to get you a book Saul-mammal?

[No smart scientist roommate it seemed. Not knowing types of crystals, bah. Foolish mammals.]

[5055034455]

No books necessary. [He smirks like there's something he wants to laugh at, but no laughter comes.] Hey, I know a guy back home who you'd live to meet. I hear he knows all about minerals and whatnot.

[tooscience]

We are not back home, Saul-mammal. And your mammal friend probably knows nothing about each of the frequencies.

[It's just a guess. But even if a mammal did know anything about crystals, that didn't mean they knew how to use them.]

So, is there anything you're good at, Saul-mammal? Besides cooking.

[Or at the very least the other mammal roommates were letting him cook, so he must be the best one.]