maskormenacelogs | 'Cause these canned goods I buy at the store ain't got the summer in them anymore.

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'Cause these canned goods I buy at the store ain't got the summer in them anymore.

WHO: The Monarch and you!
WHERE: Heropa
WHEN: Mid-November
WHAT: Charity work + now hiring
WARNINGS: Blanket warning for the Monarch and all that entails.

[ On a sidewalk in downtown Heropa today there is a long table set up, decked out in gold and maroon signs and banners and butterfly symbolism. The main, professionally printed banner reads "HENCHMEN RECRUITMENT", and second sign is tacked up with a messy handwritten scrawl of "and canned food drive". The table has a couple of clipboards behind it with a sign-up sheet asking for names, henching experience (not neccessary), and contact info. There are also several cardboard boxes will miscellaneous non-perishable foods, canned or otherwise, sitting in it.

Sitting behind the table looking either bored or irritated, depending on the moment and what his eyebrows happen to be doing just then, is the Monarch. This is not going how he expected. If any passers-by make eye contact, he's going to call them over. ]

Hey! Hey you! Ever considered a life of villainy? It's not like you've got anything better to do, from the look of you.

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[Dooku is just walking by, minding his own (nefarious) business, when suddenly a man in one of the most ridiculous outfits he has ever seen accosts him. The Count is visibly taken aback for a moment- how does he know- before he takes in the banner and its crude addition and realizes what he is dealing with.

He halts and turns to face the Monarch, thoroughly unamused.]

I beg your pardon.

Excuse me?

[ The Shade asked, holding a hand to his chest in mock offense, before he looked down at himself.

He'd been eyeing the table anyway -- that was...one way to go about villainy, although he didn't know of any villains who recruited their henchmen, but... few enough used the sort. ]

I'm not sure whether to be insulted or impressed.

[ It's a clipped british tone, and there he is, dressed to the nines in cravat, top hat, cane, and everything else that either screams "perodic reenactor" or "supervillain". ]

[Of course she'd smiled as she'd gone by, it's what she does, even if she'd given the 'henchmen recruitment' sign an uncertain look, but when he actually yells out at her she pauses and turns back, and looks down at her light blue sweater and gray pencil skirt.]

...um. N-o? I'm actually a, a personal assistant already.

[Also a superhero, but not during working hours.]

[There is just so much to take in at once that M just simply marvels at it all. The icing on the cake is when the guy behind the table calls out to him. He puts his hand up in mock surprise.]

Oh I don't know... I mean... me?

[Well, at least this won't be boring.]

[ Doreen Green, Totally Normal Person Who Isn't a Superhero, stops in mid-stride and gives the Monarch's table a long, thoughtful look. This dude is practically screaming 'HELLO I AM A SUPERVILLAIN' from the rooftops, but he isn't actually doing anything villainous at the moment. A food drive is kind of the opposite, actually. ]

... Huh. Y'know, I always wondered how you guys recruited people. I always kind of assumed that you must have really good health care plans.

Anyway, my answer is 'heck no', but I did just go grocery shopping.

[ So here, Monarch, she's donating a few cans of soup, a box of cereal, and a couple packages of nuts. ]

[Honestly, Yukyun doesn't actually have much better to do...but he's the type to like it that way, so he can spend his free time doing absolutely nothing. Still, he doesn't seem bothered by the comment since he walks right up to the table with a sort lazy grin on his face.

"Henchmen Recruitment", huh? He looks everything over for a few moments, like he's trying to spot more info.]

Shouldn't there be some kind of info sheet? How am I supposed to know what the daily life of a henchman's like?

[ Villainy. Honestly -- as if Reggie doesn't already have enough people in his life (or had) eager to write him into that role at a moment's notice. It's fun enough to roll with, even embrace, when there's nothing really at stake, but Reggie doesn't really know about that anymore. Hasn't in a while. He's been playing a dangerous game, so far avoiding tripping off his wire into the pool of sharks masterfully, because he doesn't want to think anymore about what implications the choices he makes might have.

Ironically, this doesn't put him in that position; it doesn't strike him as a reflection on anything, nothing serious, but maybe worth a few laughs. A good time. A 401k? Reggie doesn't know, aside from it makes him turn on his heels, approaching the table. He looks the part at least, maybe, dressed in his leather jacket, grey jeans, with a toothpick jutting from between his lips. ]

I think everyone's got something better to do than put on prissy spandex. [ Arching an eyebrow. ] Anyway, what, like it's hard?

[ The Monarch sits back in his chair, crossing his arms across his chest. ]

What? Just look at you! You've even got the voice of a supervillain.

Impressed, obviously!

[ He eyes up the Shade's outfit. He's seen less subtle costumes, but jeez. ]

...Ugh. You're already working, aren't you?

Great, then you already have experience!

[ He pushes the sign up sheet toward the edge of the table. ]

I guarantee you, henching has better benefits. Travel to new and exotic locales, full healthcare coverage, dental, and a 401k.

Yeah, you. Who else could I possibly be talking about?

[ He gestures at, well, all of M. ]

We do. We're talking like, zero co-pay for just about anything, even for only part-time henching. That includes dental!

[ He sighs and takes her donations, though, marking them down on a different sheet and putting them away in a box. It looks like he's gotten more donations than sign ups so far. ]

[ He scoffs, his eyebrows doing some truly impressive scowling. ]

What, you think I'm going to give away trade secrets and nefarious plans in a pamphlet? What kind of organization do you think this is?

[ Oh hey, it's this kid. The Monarch recognizes him from all the time he's spent so far lurking around Heropa 5. ]

Oh, let me tell you, there is a lot more to it than just putting on spandex. It takes dedication! Perseverance! And a level of bravery the likes of which you have yet to experience!

Working? Me?

[ Shade shook his head. ]

Depending on who you ask, I've either never done an honest day's work in my life, or... Or I'm retired.

[ You know. Now he just thieves where nobody can tell for his own gain. ]

My job already has pretty good benefits, I...

[But she's drifting toward the table, maybe morbidly curious, and looks at the form.]

...I don't think I know my, um, henchsuit size. Is that something people just know?

I have no idea what you mean.

[He says, in his deep, supervillainous voice while folding his arms beneath the folds of his long,dark cape.]

And I find your recruitment techniques to be... crude.

[Raising an eyebrow at that hand-drawn addition to the sign.]

Well, I mean there was also that guy...

[M bites in the inside of his lip to keep from smirking as he motions to the man who just walked past. The guy must be pushing 90.]

I'm really not anything special.

Well, that's good news, cuz I wouldn't caught dead in it. Not even my perfect body looks good in that stuff -- it's practically peak anti-fashion.

[ Reggie says this as if just stating a harmless opinion, but he'ss fully aware that the Monarch very likely himself wears spandex. Though, for everyone's sake, he hopes he's wrong about that assumption. ]

Bravery, huh. So what kind of high-stakes business do your people get up to?

Dang, dude! Gotta admit, that does sound pretty sweet. Have you gotten any recruits?

And, uh... what kind of stuff are you actually planning on doing?

[ she is STEALTHILY GATHERING INFORMATION, Doreen has this subtlety thing down. ]

Seriously? Why does nobody here own up to their inherent supervillainy? [ First Chilton, now this guy? Jesus. ]

Look, this is the only way I could get a table this close to Thanksgiving. Keep your judgement to yourself unless you've got a can of creamed corn under that cape.

Retired? Who retires from this?

[ A beat. ]

...Well, okay, I guess King Gorilla technically did, but he was in prison first and then there was a whole dying of lung cancer thing.

[ He waves a hand, brushing off her concern. ]

You can get someone to do a fitting.

Right, because a leather jacket and an oral fixation just screams "take me seriously".

[ He is, indeed, wearing a full spandex bodysuit under his armor and matching thigh-high boots. ]

Have you ever stared death in the face? Ever watched others fall all around you, knowing you're the only one who can fulfill your mission?

Plenty! [ Almost none, actually, but there are at least a few names on the signup sheet. No imPorts yet, though. ]

And that is classified information. The only way to find out is to enlist.

Seriously? Look at you! I've seen people break their own fists punching a guy like you.

[ You're basically a palette swapped Brock Samson with marginally less stupid hair, is what he's saying. ]

[ Clearly offended by the accusation, the smugness disappears from Reggie's face so that he can frown, pluck the toothpick from his mouth, and drop it on the ground.

But what the Monarch says next surprisingly gets his attention, at least in how eerily close it cuts. Yes, but-- is he going to say that? Right now? ]

Is that like, your deal then? You're the last of your kind, or whatever...? The Village Butterflies?

[ Well. After all, who needs emotional honesty when you can deflect like a real jerk? ]

Like what kind of mission?

Only the greatest mission of all!

[ He stands up, slamming one hand down on the table in a fit of dramatics. ]

Destroy the life of my nemesis, Doctor Rusty Venture!

Bored old fools who get sick of the life and want to spend time doing other things?

[ He asked, waving a hand. ]

Villains do age, from what I hear. We must take some time to ourselves, yes?

[ As if Shade aged. ]

Besides, I found the business was getting a touch too... uncontrolled. For my tastes. No more fun, all... terrible deeds with no purpose at all.

[Dooku shifts his arms under his cape as though to confirm that no, there is nothing so base and common as canned vegetables sullying the fine fabric of his custom-made cape.]

You are of course aware that there are a great many 'heroes' about who are quite eager to combat self-proclaimed 'villains?' Your efforts could very easily attract more opponents than applicants.

[Dooku doesn't really know why he is bothering to try to save this man from himself, except maybe that his practical sensibilities are too offended by this foolishness to let it pass unchallenged.]

Hmm...

[He strokes his chin thoughtfully- it's hard not to appreciate the keeping of trade secrets. Or impressive scowling.]

Ok, but hear me out...things like sleep schedules and all that...they're secret too? Could be a deal breaker for me.

[He circles around the table now, as if expecting he might somehow find more answers back there.]

[ Reggie moves back a step when the Monarch abruptly stands and hits the table, mostly out of reflex, but it occurs to him maybe that extra bit of distance can't hurt with someone as potentially unpredictable as a grown man in a butterfly costume. ]

Oh yeah, that guy. [ Reggie's housemate, and no more charming than the guy Reggie's speaking to now. ] Like some kind of Highlander thing, right?

[ Cuz they are at least quite similarly... something... though not that Reggie is one to judge. ]

What exactly are you planning on doing, that you're recruiting henchpeople for?

[Is that too hero-y a question? That's just a question anyone would ask, right?]

[Oh this guy has no idea.]

Guess that gym membership actually paid off.

[A shrug.]

So what exactly is it you want me to do again?

[Just pretending there isn't that giant banner.]

I'll say.

[ He narrows his eyes at M's act, though. Maybe he's being paranoid, but there's no way someone jacks themselves up like this without a solid career in punching people to death, right? ]

I need dedicated career henchmen to assist in making the life of Doctor Venture into a hellish nightmare, the likes of which he has never before known!

What the fuck are you talking about? Why would I care about your sleep schedule? Sleep whenever you want, as long as it's off the clock.

[ He gives him a mighty side eye as he comes around the table. ]

You know... making someone's life into a hellish nightmare is an item on the bucket list.

[He inches over to the table at a snails pace.]

So what'd this guy do to you, anyway?

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'Cause these canned goods I buy at the store ain't got the summer in them anymore.

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