[ Gansey feels himself smile, wryly. The ache in his chest is physically painful. ]

I don’t know if that’s true.

There are people…who have it so much harder than I ever did. I’ve been lucky. And it feels ridiculous, knowing that, that I can’t let go of…this one thing that shouldn’t even matter anymore.

[ He’d been given time. He’d been given seven years of time that Noah never had, that Gansey should not have had, by rights. He should be grateful for that. He is grateful. So why, then, are his edges still frayed? Nothing makes him feel more selfish than this. He loathes it.

Gansey makes himself breathe, and meet Walker’s dark, kind eyes without flinching. He needs to be better than this. Terrible things are happening in this world. They have been happening, and by all accounts, will continue to happen, and he needs to be able to deal with them and not cry over something that can never be changed anyway. He needs to be stronger.

He needs to do what Walker says. He just doesn’t know how. ]

How do I…show this emotion, without panicking again? I don’t know how to do that. I’ve never known.

[ A tiny shake of his head. ]

I don’t want to go back to that.