the spite builds up and it can't get through

[crab]

WHO: karkat and kanaya.
WHERE: kanaya's residence.
WHEN: 21st of march.
WHAT: not-breaking up with your not-moirail is tough.
WARNINGS: teenage melodrama.

I think I'm going to quit relationships and go back to the mountains. [ Karkat's voice is muffled by the pillow he is currently pressing his face into, face down on the spare bed, a cup of untouched tea steaming nearby. ] You can send me back to the mountains, right?

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[glowsferatu]

[ kanaya's seated on the edge of the bed near him, turned to the side with her own mug resting on her leg. reaching out with her free hand, she rubs his back gently. ]

Those mountains are much further now than they were then. [ but at least she'd be able to use both hands to reel in a portal this time. ] But there's no solution for you there. They're an escape, at most, and things only get worse when we run away.

Besides, I'd miss you.

[crab]

[ There are some inaudible noises made into the pillow that were probably a series of expletives, before he turns his head to the side with a weary sigh. "Things only get worse when we run away" - he doesn't miss the implication there. ]

I shouldn't have stormed out on her like that. [ He admits, with some reluctance. ] I should have told her I was sorry, and talked to her like a grown assed troll, instead of throwing a howling wiggler tantrum.

[glowsferatu]

Perhaps. But if you did that right now, in the mood both of you will be in while the feelings are still raw, do you think it really would have ended so simply? Cooling off can do some good, but it should always be temporary, a chance to collect ourselves before we face what we need to again.

[ she hadn't read it all at first, not when she first said something and could just tell from a skim that they were fighting over something very personal, but she couldn't help prying when he was on his way. felt like having some context would do her some good. ]

It looked like this has building for quite some time.

[crab]

Since we got here, I can't actually remember a conversation of ours that didn't devolve into a fight of some kind. [ He confirms, glumly, pushing himself up into a sitting position. ]

I don't know what our problem is. We hardly talk about anything normal anymore, and it's like the majority of the things I say to her soar directly through the void inhabiting the space between her auricular sponge clots without making any impact whatsoever. She won't listen to me, she won't talk to me, but when I walk away from her, to give her space, she gets upset. It hurts her.

[ He knows firsthand. ]

I don't know what she wants from me.

[glowsferatu]

[ a smile half-creeps on her lips as she wonders if he's ever said the exact same thing to ruka about her. he could have at one point or another. that's a scary thought. ]

Well, it clearly isn't space. But it isn't to talk or to have something to listen to. People don't want to be fixed, Karkat, and often they'll be more than slightly resistant to it. I know that one from both ends. If she doesn't want you to do anything, maybe she just wants you to be.

[ then, after a beat, she frowns awkwardly, cocking her head to the side. ] And maybe she's a bit of an idiot.

[crab]

She has to know how unfair it is for her to want that from me, knowing what I'm aware of. [ Some of the frustration from earlier creeps back into his tone. ] Not to mention after all the promises we made. Promises she made me make, even! That I guess she promptly forgot about, after she got me off her back.

She doesn't exist in a vacuum. She can't pretend what's happening to her isn't. And she can't expect to help me while asking me to sit back and let her go off the deep end without so much as offering her a lifeline.

[glowsferatu]

Well, I didn't say she's not an idiot. And I didn't mean that what she's doing is right or justified or prudent. I can't pretend to know her or these promises as well as you do, but I do know you.

[ she slides back on the bed until she's resting against the wall, letting out a sigh. ] I know that you tend to inhabit extremes, either giving too much or being too distant. I imagine someone like her would need a subtler approach. Not so much an Atlas as an anchor.

[crab]

[ He shakes his head, when she says anchor, mouth twisting in a frown. ]

I don't want to be her anchor. I could blip out of existence at any moment. I can't be her Atlas or her anchor or any other insert metaphorical euphemism for codependent emotional crutch. If I disappear before she does she'll be worse off than if I'd cut both our losses and significantly improved her life via removing myself from it to begin with.

I just want to be her friend.

[glowsferatu]

[ her first thought is but that's simply how moirallegiance works, but that isn't something he doesn't know already. wouldn't be much point turning this into an argument. instead, her brows furrow as something else occurs to her, something that should have been obvious if she had actually thought about it, or ruka, before. ]

But do you think she's in a position where she could accept either alternative? Especially so soon after losing Eridan.

The situation is damned from every angle. But while transience is our lot, we need to make the most of it.

[crab]

That's what I'm trying to do. [ There's an edge of frustration to the words, and he allows his body to tip back onto the bed with a soft fwump.

Moirallegiance may be what Karkat wants, but talking to Ruka up on that roof has made him doubt it's what she needs. ] It'd be like the problem I had with you, but in reverse, if I let her use me for what she used Eridan for. If I carry her, she'll atrophy, Kanaya. She needs to learn to stand on her own. Because there's no guarantee there will always be someone there to prop her up when she crumbles.

Support, not protection. Remember?

[glowsferatu]

[ she leans forward, putting a hand on his shoulder as she looks down at him. ]

That's why I said not to be her Atlas, it wouldn't be right to carry her. But what do you think a crutch provides when one can't stand by her own power? She's just gotten her legs knocked out from under her and needs someone to lean against for a bit. And it should be temporary, just until she finds her footing again, until the fracture can heal, but it will be up to the both of you to ensure that happens.