[And that made all the difference as far as Ken was concerned. He knows that it was Takaya who pulled the trigger. Ken has never fired a real gun in his life. He knows he didn't shoot the gun. But he did intend to kill Shinjiro, and he called him out there, away from the rest of the team and endangering them, too, leaving them short two team members on the night of a strong Shadow. That was all the difference between him, with his plotted murder, and Shinjiro, who never meant to kill his mother. How Ken saw it, that ill intent he had held far more weight than what actually happened, and no amount of regretting can undo that or change it. It was a part of him.
And the resentment grows, crushing him tightly in its angry fist. In this moment, directed toward himself as he squeezes his eyes shut and just sits there and he's aware that he isn't trying to push Jaime away. He doesn't deserve this, he shouldn't allow this, this was exactly what Crane meant and this was exactly what he should be distancing himself from. He shouldn't be doing this. He peels his lips apart to remember to breathe.]
If I hadn't, if we stayed with everyone, it wouldn't have happened. I knew all along -- Aragaki-san wasn't the killer I thought he would be. He helps everyone, he's nice to everyone, he saved me from Shadows a lot, too. I knew that, but I pretended I didn't because I was scared. [He raises his hands to try to push at Jaime, small hands against the front of his shirt, but the shove is weak and hardly there and he just ends up holding on to the fabric as he drops his head to his shoulder. The words start spilling out, and he doesn't know how to stop them.] I was scared because I thought the revenge was all I had. I had nothing else left. I don't have any family or a home to go back to. I was-- I was scared of being alone and I took it out on him, when maybe all we had to do was just talk.
[Because he got dumped in Nonah, and Koromaru stayed with him. Because Shinjiro found him there and offered him help, and Akihiko dropped everything to join them when he got called. Because Minato came looking for him and pinned the armband to his sleeve, promising him that he was still part of the team. Because it was so obvious how wrong he was, but his ignorance and blindness cost someone his life and everyone else a friend. He hears all the good things people have to say about Shinjiro, and he sees the way he interacts with those people, and every time it reminds him of what could've been if only he had made the right choice. He couldn't stand it.]
Because of me, this is the only chance he gets anymore. Because of me... I shouldn't be here. I'm just in the way.
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[And that made all the difference as far as Ken was concerned. He knows that it was Takaya who pulled the trigger. Ken has never fired a real gun in his life. He knows he didn't shoot the gun. But he did intend to kill Shinjiro, and he called him out there, away from the rest of the team and endangering them, too, leaving them short two team members on the night of a strong Shadow. That was all the difference between him, with his plotted murder, and Shinjiro, who never meant to kill his mother. How Ken saw it, that ill intent he had held far more weight than what actually happened, and no amount of regretting can undo that or change it. It was a part of him.
And the resentment grows, crushing him tightly in its angry fist. In this moment, directed toward himself as he squeezes his eyes shut and just sits there and he's aware that he isn't trying to push Jaime away. He doesn't deserve this, he shouldn't allow this, this was exactly what Crane meant and this was exactly what he should be distancing himself from. He shouldn't be doing this. He peels his lips apart to remember to breathe.]
If I hadn't, if we stayed with everyone, it wouldn't have happened. I knew all along -- Aragaki-san wasn't the killer I thought he would be. He helps everyone, he's nice to everyone, he saved me from Shadows a lot, too. I knew that, but I pretended I didn't because I was scared. [He raises his hands to try to push at Jaime, small hands against the front of his shirt, but the shove is weak and hardly there and he just ends up holding on to the fabric as he drops his head to his shoulder. The words start spilling out, and he doesn't know how to stop them.] I was scared because I thought the revenge was all I had. I had nothing else left. I don't have any family or a home to go back to. I was-- I was scared of being alone and I took it out on him, when maybe all we had to do was just talk.
[Because he got dumped in Nonah, and Koromaru stayed with him. Because Shinjiro found him there and offered him help, and Akihiko dropped everything to join them when he got called. Because Minato came looking for him and pinned the armband to his sleeve, promising him that he was still part of the team. Because it was so obvious how wrong he was, but his ignorance and blindness cost someone his life and everyone else a friend. He hears all the good things people have to say about Shinjiro, and he sees the way he interacts with those people, and every time it reminds him of what could've been if only he had made the right choice. He couldn't stand it.]
Because of me, this is the only chance he gets anymore. Because of me... I shouldn't be here. I'm just in the way.