[More than anything, it's that question he dreads the most. Because being asked why, being reminded of why he made that decision, is also a reminder of how reluctant he had also been of it. He was more scared of living than he was of dying. He thought about it every day, almost desired it. But still, but here... ]

Because I didn't want to do it. [The answer is quiet, mumbled, and he knows it doesn't make sense on its own. He still doesn't meet Jaime's eyes.] Because, for the first time, I thought the trip would be fun. I like the people I live with. I... I have friends, now. And I thought-- I... [He found himself not wanting to do it. He found himself wanting to forget, to do things, to meet people, to live and the realization had dropped a cold, heavy rock in his stomach.]

I'm not supposed to have any of this.