But one time out of ten everything goes perfect for us all.

[hostage]

WHO: Loki & Jesse Pinkman
WHERE: Xavier's #202
WHEN: Tuesday, February 10 (after this)
WHAT: Loki corners Jesse for a heart-to-heart in this Very Special Episode.
WARNINGS: Drugs, cancer, death, and stuff. I don't know.

[As soon as the car's parked, Jesse pulls out his burner to check for messages. Nothing from Mr. White yet, which means he's got some time to himself. Jesse's only glad for that because his encounter with Skye has left him exhausted. He could use a few minutes to recuperate before he has to go back to pretending he's fine.

The walk up to his room is difficult in his current state. He's gotten used to perfect health, so moments like these feel even worse than they would have if, say, he had lung cancer all along. He's coughing by the time he reaches his door, and still coughing when he stumbles inside.]

Comments

[hostage]

Start over. Go straight. Live a clean life. Don't hurt people.

That's what you're saying, right?

[selfimage]

[ there's a little shrug of Loki's shoulders. ]

The first and the second, really. "Go straight and live a clean life," are all in the eye of the beholder. Generally "start over" couples with "be better," which coincides with "don't hurt people." The rest falls into place. [ not that Loki had ever really gone straight—he just decided that Loki wasn't going to be the one to hurt people anymore. ] Still be Jesse, I suppose, but don't squander the obvious chance for change.

[hostage]

How much do you know about me?

[selfimage]

After our last dance with that question—you probably don't want me to answer that one. How about you give me the deets at the curve ball you want to throw?

[hostage]

I was wondering if you know what my problem is. A lotta people think I don't know, but I do know. Do you know?

[selfimage]

[ jESSE WHAT EVEN. ]

Let's just say I don't know.

[hostage]

Of course you don't fucking know. That's why none of you could stop me.

Here's my problem: Whenever I think I'm right, I'm wrong. And whenever something feels wrong, it's right. And you're all coming at me with shit like "be better". Like that's a direction you can turn and face and head towards. Like somebody put up a road sign.

[selfimage]

No one will put up a road sign when your compass is broken. [ Loki looks a tad bit resigned. his desires always conflicted with what he wanted. and he ended up questioning himself and following his whims into ruin. maybe it was the curse of Loki, and maybe Jesse was his own worst enemy. ]

Though I'm surprised that this is your excuse for giving up.

[hostage]

What makes you think I gave up?

[selfimage]

The setting yourself up for failure thing usually does that.

[ like he's really one to talk, but, you know. ]

[hostage]

I didn't fail.

[selfimage]

That's not what I said.

[hostage]

So what're you saying?

[selfimage]

[ he looks dubious. ]

Did you not hear me? That you're deliberately setting yourself up for it.

[hostage]

[Jesse heaves a wheezy sigh. He feels like he's being stirred into giving a villain speech, but he doesn't want to walk Loki through his thought process.

He sucks on his cigarette.]

You think 'cause I don't end up at your destination, that means I'm heading for failure. Deliberately. And I'm making up excuses along the way.

Okay, here's how it is, though: I don't give a shit about what you guys want from me. Loki, of all fucking people, trying to tell me what right or wrong is supposed to look like. Do you even know? Do you actually fucking know?

'cause when I got a blindfold on and you're spinning me around in circles, I'm just supposed to believe you got it right when you push me in a direction? Please.

None of you know me. None of you know what I'm trying to do. And I sure as hell got no reason to listen to any of you.

[selfimage]

[ was it this irritating talking to him? he really has to wonder on occasion. there's a dubious look at Jesse's justification and a long sigh. ]

You don't hurt people.

[ and he holds up his hands. ]

That's it. Of course, you'd think it simple—but we all know that it's not. I could care little of right or wrong, I'm a creature of chaos and change, and I won't deny that I want to win. I'm not entirely certain where your conclusions are drawn from, or what you've decided to expect from your future and yourself, but I'm here with a simple request. Perhaps easy in talk, less so in execution.

[ he opens a hand and then waves it. ]

You're the only one spinning yourself in circles, and I'd rather not see you fall.

[ he looks a little wry. ]

But you won't accept a simple "I believe in you," will you?

[hostage]

[There's his point again, though. He can't help but hurt people. In trying to avoid hurting people, he inevitably ends up hurting people. In trying to do good, he will inevitably commit evil acts. He's a literal walking catastrophe waiting to happen to people, and he's out of words to express that.]

I'll be hurting people for as long as I'm still breathing air.

[...Maybe not long, from the sound of his lungs.]

I can stop myself doing a lotta things, but I can't stop that part.

[selfimage]

[ he looks dubious, exasperated, but not without sympathy. his struggles were close—a burning Loki who wanted nothing more than to make the world burn with him, and now that his role has changed, he finds himself still fumbling over hurdles and veering off course. it's still a process. his only saving grace was that he wasn't going to follow the road of poor intentions ever again. ]

It's more to do with extremity rather than the comparison. [ that's a little reluctant, but he comes out. ] It's not just "do" or "don't," that most mortals seem to see it as. There are always complications throw into the mix. More so, you can't use harming others as a pretense to an excuse.

[hostage]

I don't make excuses.

[Loki's reading him all wrong if that's what he thinks is going on.]

And anyway, it's been ages since I killed anybody.

[Good job, Jesse!]

So if that's what you're worried about, you can chill.

[selfimage]

There are wires getting crossed if you think that I'm concerned about you taking a metaphorical blade to another's throat.

[ he can take that as he he will. ]

Anyone imPort you kill will unfortunately return. The natives that you've damned, ah, well ... I suppose that's a bit by proxy, less by your own hand.

I've already told you why I'm here. Quite the hefty amount of doubt you have.

[hostage]

Your business. imPort integrity, whatever that is. Also you're worried about me. Which doesn't make any sense, but sure, okay. You're real concerned about what happens to me. That's swell.

[selfimage]

[ investment for a certain reason—a selfish one, but ah, well ... ]

Kara's concerned about you.

[ he says with a wave of his fingers. ]

[hostage]

Kara doesn't do concern.

[Also, he resents that she's being used against him. Which makes the second strike, as far as using his girlfriends to push the knife in deeper.]

[selfimage]

Then you don't know her as well as you think.

[ oh Jesse Pinkman, not everything is about you. ]

[hostage]

So now you're here for her sake?