[The thought of doing Her will in a different place helps a hair, a bit. But looking at the Morningstar and thinking of his own brother who had cruelly cast himself out he realizes - mentioning that would hurt.
He wants to. That's what he wants. Except she lied. She lied to him and to every other celestial being if things were the same and he strongly suspected that even if they weren't - everything big he had done. Not the little things, not fancy clothes or titles or anything like that. No, big things. Managerial things, were things he had chosen to do.
Not interpreted her will. She had given him the barest hint of instructions but he had chosen the how, the where, the why which meant he had chosen to judge Aziraphale and Crowley. He could be cast down for that.
Except. Had they also chosen? Chosen to ally with each other and perhaps chosen not to die? If one was an angel, one was a demon but apparently both had free will then what was the difference and the point and-
He leans forward with his head between his knees because he has a headache the likes of which he's never had before. Like he's pushing up against a garden gate and shoving his weight against it like an animal before-
That was it.
They chose to work together. They chose to find a solution together. Not just to stand with the brat, not just to be allies. No. They worked together and made something new.
Somewhere in his mind the gate breaks open and the world is way too bright and he retreats from the light and the sounds but the gate's there. and open.
He stares at Lucifer shell shocked before licking his lips and looking away.]
I'm sorry.
[he lowered his head.] For what I said at the swearing-in and the way I acted. It was unfair to you. You, didn't choose who...you are or your name or anything like that and I chose to...act stupid and compare you to the asshole who...I guess...chose to take half my friends and family. That was wrong, because you're not him. And I...
[He can't look at the white light because if he does he'll go blind. He's convinced. He'll go mad if he looks at the light in his mind.]
I was wrong. I'm sorry.
[Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck the idea. The very idea of forgiving a demon. They were different stock, purer stock but the same stock and they had free will and so did he and...
There's a lot he wants to say but. Just trying to piece it together hurts. That's do be done alone with a very healthy dose of yelling at a God, at a parent who had sent him to another dimension only to find out she'd screwed him over and possibly other angels he worked with. Loved.]
...You know what sucks about free will the most?
[A lot. Actually. Like a ton. He's just discovered he lives with something he believed made humans stupid and insipid animals.]
no subject
He wants to. That's what he wants. Except she lied. She lied to him and to every other celestial being if things were the same and he strongly suspected that even if they weren't - everything big he had done. Not the little things, not fancy clothes or titles or anything like that. No, big things. Managerial things, were things he had chosen to do.
Not interpreted her will. She had given him the barest hint of instructions but he had chosen the how, the where, the why which meant he had chosen to judge Aziraphale and Crowley. He could be cast down for that.
Except. Had they also chosen? Chosen to ally with each other and perhaps chosen not to die? If one was an angel, one was a demon but apparently both had free will then what was the difference and the point and-
He leans forward with his head between his knees because he has a headache the likes of which he's never had before. Like he's pushing up against a garden gate and shoving his weight against it like an animal before-
That was it.
They chose to work together. They chose to find a solution together. Not just to stand with the brat, not just to be allies. No. They worked together and made something new.
Somewhere in his mind the gate breaks open and the world is way too bright and he retreats from the light and the sounds but the gate's there. and open.
He stares at Lucifer shell shocked before licking his lips and looking away.]
I'm sorry.
[he lowered his head.] For what I said at the swearing-in and the way I acted. It was unfair to you. You, didn't choose who...you are or your name or anything like that and I chose to...act stupid and compare you to the asshole who...I guess...chose to take half my friends and family. That was wrong, because you're not him. And I...
[He can't look at the white light because if he does he'll go blind. He's convinced. He'll go mad if he looks at the light in his mind.]
I was wrong. I'm sorry.
[Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck the idea. The very idea of forgiving a demon. They were different stock, purer stock but the same stock and they had free will and so did he and...
There's a lot he wants to say but. Just trying to piece it together hurts. That's do be done alone with a very healthy dose of yelling at a God, at a parent who had sent him to another dimension only to find out she'd screwed him over and possibly other angels he worked with. Loved.]
...You know what sucks about free will the most?
[A lot. Actually. Like a ton. He's just discovered he lives with something he believed made humans stupid and insipid animals.]