maskormenacelogs | there's too much smoke to see it

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there's too much smoke to see it

WHO: frank castle & lil crawley
WHERE: the rooftop of exploration tower
WHEN: 8:00 pm on valentine's day
WHAT: a decidedly unromantic recon not-date
WARNINGS: that crazy canadian

[ lil had been tempted to show up late on purpose, just to spite frank. she'd thought about not showing up at all. she didn't know what he expected to find -- and truthfully, the resentful part of her didn't really care. she couldn't place exactly what it was that made her leave the house on time, feeling some obligation not to let him down. loyalty maybe. or something worse than that.

on the taxi ride to exploration tower, she dwells on things. thinking is such a dangerous pastime for a woman like lil crawley. her mind always finds dark, restless places to nestle in. with her head leaned against the cab window, she thinks about her husband. she tries to remember what being loved felt like. by the time the taxi pulls up the tower, she still hasn't quite put her finger down on any specific memory.

the elevator ride up feels longer than it should. she takes the stairs the remaining way up to the roof, pushing the door open as she glances around. ]

Frank?

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[ Showing up early was strategic, for multiple reasons. For one, whoever potentially set this up, if their motives aren't good-natured, they would be here ahead of time as well. He needed to scope out as much as he could -- which is limited, given his restrictions -- while he could, and so far there is nothing particularly risky being exposed.

So, that leaves an unfortunate reality: the set-up may have been purely romantic.

Lil wouldn't lie about it. It wouldn't make sense; she'd have no reason. Even stretching his mind, he can't think of who would want to do this -- but his understanding of Lil's circle of friends isn't complete. She may have told someone about him, the two of them, and they may have received a misguided impression.

Then there's the other message he received, the one he didn't tell Lil about.

That kind of thing is dangerous, in more ways than one. Word spreads, with people who don't know the magnitude that his name carries, then...

Then Lil speaks, and he turns towards her. ]

You weren't followed?

[ it's probably apparent from the moment she arrives that she's in a mood -- and not a good one, either. the air about her is different than it has been for the past few weeks. it's stormy somehow, restless and lacking the playful affection that had become normal since they'd started living together with the others. her tone is suggestive of how she feels, borderline catty when she responds: ]

Hell if I know. Guess I forgot t'flip on my paranoia switch when I left the house.

[ one hand finds her hip as she glances around the rooftop. it seems quiet. unremarkable. but then again, she isn't really looking that hard either. ]

Y'find anythin', or what?

[ He gives her a look for that. It doesn't help her case against his arguments: if she doesn't try to keep herself safe, especially when they're specifically anticipating an attack, then what does she expect him to do? He can't accept that.

When she asks her question, he shakes his head. ]

Not yet.

Might be nothing.

[ she notices that look, but just gives him a look of her own -- like she's making a point that she doesn't care. she's diamond lil, right? nobody can hurt her, or whatever it is that she's always telling herself to make it easier to go out into the world every day.

she wanders to the edge of the roof, glancing over it. long way down. ]

Yeah. I'm bettin' on nothin'. Surprise, surprise, nobody's tryin' t'kill us. [ the cattiness stays strong in her voice. ] So, now what? Do I get t'say I told y'so?

You get to do whatever you want. Like usual.

[ His tone seems same as ever, even if the words seem sharp enough to rival her own irritated tone.

Still, seeing her that close to the end of the roof leaves an uneasy feeling on him. ]

Keep away from edges.

[ she glances over her shoulder at him, giving him another annoyed look, lips pursed. it's hard to say which of his remarks irritates her more. ]

I ain't a little girl, I don't need y'babysittin' me.

[ she glances back down at the sidewalk far below. ]

It wouldn't kill me anyway. The fall, I mean. Probably hurt less than some of the stupid shit y'say t'me too.

Lil.

[ His voice does come firmer now. This is more dramatic than she's ever been before.

It's not a very welcome change. ]

Are you going to do this now?

[ she rolls her eyes at him, folding her arms over her chest. she used to feel her heart skip a beat every time he would use her name -- but she's come to resent the way he'll sometimes use it now, to chide her, to call her attention when he's about to say something that will inevitably disappoint her.

she fantasizes about stepping off the edge just for a moment -- just to be reckless, just to see if hitting the ground at the end and walking away from it would somehow make her feel more alive, more invincible. but after a moment, she steps back, away from the ledge. she feels volatile. unstable. ]

Am I gonna do what now?

[ there's an intensity in her voice, like she's daring him to give her a reason to be angry. ]

[ She knows what.

Maybe he should voice that out loud, push the subject until she's furious. If she gets upset, then she'll break this off, the way he wants it broken. However, he can't account for what she may do if she's scorned and hurt. It's a position he didn't want to get himself put into, and yet here he is. Caution earned him nothing.

He pushes the chair forward and he looks up at her, meeting her eyes. ]

There's nothing here. We can go.

[ honestly, the only thing she'd probably break would be his nose -- again. it would take more than getting her riled up to make her call it quits. in fact, the man that had known her best of all -- the one that had claimed to love her, who had seen her before she'd become so broken -- had never quite figured out how to make her give up. death was the thing that had finally separated them.

she meets his gaze when he looks at her, defiant and stubborn, like she always is. ]

Yeah? Y'sure y'don't wanna lecture me first? [ her voice is biting. ] Sounds like y'were just about t'get started.

No.

[ And it's honest. He doesn't want to argue with her now. There's something in the way she speaks about jumping, so easily even if it's overdramatic, that seems a bit too plausible for him. She's seen darkness beyond even what he's known; she's lived in a special kind of hell on earth reserved for mutants.

He won't break her with fights, verbal or physical, because she's endured far worse. ]

Won't waste any more of your time.

[ she lets him have the full weight of her stare, eyebrows pulled together as her mouth turns downward into a dissatisfied frown. she's teetering on the edge of being upset, feeling her temper swell in the pit of her stomach -- but he won't rise to fight her, giving her nothing to swing at and leaving her simmering with frustration instead. ]

I don't understand you.

[ the way she turns her head away then is a bit petulant, because that kind of display is always easier than seeming uncertain and vulnerable. but there's still something in her voice when she speaks again that gives her away. ]

Why d'you even bother? [ her eyes become hard again, even as they look out at the view. ] Back then, when y'said I was beautiful, did y'even mean it?

[ It takes a moment for him to remember it.

He was delirious: pain along with something else that wasn't strictly natural. It's something he said, and was it a lie?

What he thinks of her isn't as superficial as her aesthetic. Beyond that, she's trustworthy. She's determined. She doesn't waver. These are all things he admires, but will not voice. It's safer not to, even if she's still close to that ledge.

He says something else instead, more layered than it seems: ]

I don't want to watch you fall.

Why?

[ she looks back at him, the frustration still worn openly on her face. there's tension in her jaw, along her shoulders, something defiant despite the fact that she knows what the future has in store for her. ]

Y'know it can't kill me. Y'know I'd survive. [ a beat. then more clearly, more carefully pronounced: ] I'm gonna survive you.

Wouldn't make it any easier to watch.

[ That's all he says. He shouldn't have said anything at all, revealing too much even with short words. So, he turns, and he only gives one more invitation before he heads back to the elevator. ]

Come on, if you're coming.

[ her feet stay planted for a long moment. she almost wants to jump -- just to spite him, just to give into the reckless impulse. she's terrible in that way, destructive and vindictive and self-sabotaging. but the impulse passes, and after a moment, she comes to join him, pausing only to hold the roof entrance door open for him before moving to summon the elevator.

there's tension in her expression as they wait there. her silence weighs heavier than the usual angry flow of her words.

finally: ]

Aren't y'tired of havin' this same fight all the time yet?

Are you asking me to stop?

[ It's a purposefully vague question. Stop any number of things: stop arguing, or maybe stop this whole thing altogether.

The elevator chimes, and he looks up at her, waiting without entering. He wants her answer. ]

[ she glances back at him at that question. stubbornness lingers in her face -- but there's something questioning too, like she isn't sure what he means, exactly. there's a moment or two before she opens her mouth to answer. ]

I'm askin' you t'give into me. [ she glances away, putting a hand out to stop the elevator door from closing on them. ] Y'already do it all the time, in little ways. But then it's like y'try t'make up for it later -- like y'think if you're cruel t'me, it'll make me forget the other things.

It won't be like that.

[ He states that outright. Small concessions are one thing, but it can never be more than situational. ]

It won't be what you want.

It'll be easier when you realize that.

Yeah? How's that? What d'you figure I want anyway?

[ her voice is confrontational. impatiently, she takes brisk steps into the elevator. maybe she's hoping the door will close on him, teach him a lesson. ]

You're such an asshole, Frank.

[ He comes forward before the doors shut, and the tight space leaves them uncomfortably close. He looks up at her, his stare unwavering. ]

I figure from what you just said: I won't give in to you.

[ But he doesn't argue that other comment. ]

[ she doesn't seemed bothered by their proximity -- but then again, the woman learned a long time ago to use her physicality in arguments. it used to help her intimidate madison, like the terrible wife that she was. now, she takes a petty kind of comfort in their exaggerated height difference. it somehow makes his words sting less. ]

Y'already do. All the time. It's jus' when I wanna talk about it, then it's all the goddamn red lights an' blarin' alarms with you. [ she waves a dismissive hand, her eyes following the elevator's lit-up numbers as they move floor to floor. ] At least with my husband it was another woman. [ or robot. close enough. ] At least it was a real reason. Somethin' I could see an' fight an' make sense outta.

Not all the way. Not enough.

[ Clearly not enough, or she wouldn't be upset by this now.

He thought it would be easier to just consent to her. He hadn't known it would escalate into something he could not contain. There isn't anything he has given her that is worthwhile, and yet she clings.

The implications of that linger and draw the corners of his lips. ]

Reasons are real.

Thought you didn't want to do this again.

[ she knows why he's does it, or at least she thinks she does -- that's one of the many things that makes her so angry, so resentful. he's like madison in that way -- she can never stop drawing the parallels -- but both men would choose to submit at times, if only because it wasn't worth it to fight with her. it was easier to just let her have her way.

it isn't out of affection, or even something baser, simpler like desire. neither of them really wanted her. but it hurts more, somehow, to acknowledge that with frank -- because he looks her in the eye, because his hands have become a familiar weight against her hips. ]

I can always fight. [ she says that plainly, resentment tinging her voice. ] I've been fightin' my whole goddamn life for what I want. So if you're gonna make it hard, fine. Y'ain't the first.

That's really what you want? To keep fighting?

[ It isn't harshly asked. He is honestly curious. It could very well be that she's spend so long fighting, she doesn't know how to stop, she doesn't know how to deal with something like peace.

The comparison sits uneasily on him. ]

It won't end.

[ no, no it's not. but after all these years, she's forgotten what it feels like not to fight. there's something fragile inside of her that needs protecting, something that's been broken and crushed more than once before. fighting reminds her that she's still alive and still strong, despite the things she's survived.

in the elevator, her hands curl unconsciously at her sides, tensing into fists. the ride down seems to take forever. ]

I'd rather keep fightin' than give up. If I'm gonna lose somethin', it ain't gonna be 'cause I let it go. [ stubbornness lingers in her face and in her voice. ] So, y'wanna get rid of me, y'better try an' want it more than I wanna stay. Considerin' that y'don't give a shit about anythin', I don't figure y'can care enough about this [ us ] t'try harder than me.

[ she cares so much. it's dangerous. ]

Edited 2014-02-20 19:21 (UTC)

[ That tells him enough.

A soldier needs allies. Lil has proven her worth again and again; he saved her life and she repaid him, as well as served at his sickbed. He trusts her, values her -- and that is why it has to end. She won't accept something as detached as casual intimacy; it won't satisfy her.

That's too much risk.

It settles his mind: once he's healed. He'll go. She'll hate him, and that is the safer option than loving him.

The elevator doors open, and he exits them without a word. ]

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there's too much smoke to see it

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