[This is both not comfortable and what he needs. It's more sensation than he was ready for, even if he started it. For a few seconds his mind simply shuts down, the response just the wrong side of too much, some old fear left over from days long past rearing up to set off alarm bells in his head.
Just like that, the moment is over. He pulls away, the irrational burst of fear that went through him enough to make him realize they are in public, and he has never been so mortified in his life. The lingering feeling of dread, of feeling Charles was too invasive, of being in danger, makes him retreat, pushing back his chair and glancing at the door. He can't do this. He's not even sure what this is, just that he's not ready to be this honest with himself or anyone else.
He looks at Charles and mentally begs for him to understand, torn between bolting from the building and running until he gets home and trying to salvage... whatever this thing between them is. Attraction? Actual romance? He doesn't know. He's not sure he can handle knowing, either.]
I'm sorry, [Anatoly manages, feeling raw and jittery, struggling to keep his tone even.] I can't - we're in public - things are complicated.
[He's married and as far as he knew that made him straight. He certainly didn't have four children with Miryema because he couldn't stand touching her, they were genuinely attracted to each other from the moment they met, so how can he be into Charles? How could he kiss him? What is wrong with him? He's disgusting. Shame rises in him and he wishes Charles would just say something, already, give him some idea how to proceed, because he hasn't been this lost in decades.]
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Just like that, the moment is over. He pulls away, the irrational burst of fear that went through him enough to make him realize they are in public, and he has never been so mortified in his life. The lingering feeling of dread, of feeling Charles was too invasive, of being in danger, makes him retreat, pushing back his chair and glancing at the door. He can't do this. He's not even sure what this is, just that he's not ready to be this honest with himself or anyone else.
He looks at Charles and mentally begs for him to understand, torn between bolting from the building and running until he gets home and trying to salvage... whatever this thing between them is. Attraction? Actual romance? He doesn't know. He's not sure he can handle knowing, either.]
I'm sorry, [Anatoly manages, feeling raw and jittery, struggling to keep his tone even.] I can't - we're in public - things are complicated.
[He's married and as far as he knew that made him straight. He certainly didn't have four children with Miryema because he couldn't stand touching her, they were genuinely attracted to each other from the moment they met, so how can he be into Charles? How could he kiss him? What is wrong with him? He's disgusting. Shame rises in him and he wishes Charles would just say something, already, give him some idea how to proceed, because he hasn't been this lost in decades.]