It was the first time in this world that they fundamenally hadn't understood each other.
…It was so strange that… that came with… a fragment of… relief.
Another 'what if', not consciously recognized but long unaddressed: her new power and his ability to share it. Dying together… somehow not the issue. Somehow still part of them. But sometimes gnawing at the back of his mind: could they have been together like this without the intervention, independent of themselves, of telepathy?
His back had been to her for his torrent. Rigid and brittle. He slowly faces her as she speaks. Still drawn in on himself. But attending.
"Actually," he said, so quietly the ambient sounds of the room and the world came back with it, "I assumed you wouldn't want kids. Strategically, this works out. It's a mismatch we'll never have to overcome. Even if you did, I know that's not my worth to you, and there are options beyond biology… and given the opportunity, the full reality, I might not actually choose it either.
"Let me just…"
Words… which…
He violently shook his head.
It's not a test. It's not an assumption. It's not about you. I just kriffing hurt all right… and… nanites or telepathy or dying or you… this is a reaction I've never allowed myself to try before… and perhaps it's wrong, perhaps there's middle ground I need to learn about between suppressing and letting it just unleash on you… and perhaps you're right that there is one ulterior plan of just… seeing what happens when…
He shook his head more slowly.
Out of words, now. Out of thoughts. No idea what he'd even want to happen next.
Lifepod ejected into void. At some point it could be collected. It didn't have its own steering or propulsion abilities, so it would have to be.
He tries to imagine the people whose names are on these walls. How they'd punch him. Baze outright, Chirrut unexpectedly, Bodhi with big eyes.
Maybe he'd just needed to feel this for a moment. He'd never let himself acknowledge or grieve.
Maybe he'd just done something unfair and wrong to Jyn for no good reason. And he knew it wasn't a deal-breaker but he would still have to face it when he stopped spinning.
Maybe they could both be right.
Maybe she could hit him in the head and make it stop. How these feelings didn't go away even though things were good.
no subject
…It was so strange that… that came with… a fragment of… relief.
Another 'what if', not consciously recognized but long unaddressed: her new power and his ability to share it. Dying together… somehow not the issue. Somehow still part of them. But sometimes gnawing at the back of his mind: could they have been together like this without the intervention, independent of themselves, of telepathy?
His back had been to her for his torrent. Rigid and brittle. He slowly faces her as she speaks. Still drawn in on himself. But attending.
"Actually," he said, so quietly the ambient sounds of the room and the world came back with it, "I assumed you wouldn't want kids. Strategically, this works out. It's a mismatch we'll never have to overcome. Even if you did, I know that's not my worth to you, and there are options beyond biology… and given the opportunity, the full reality, I might not actually choose it either.
"Let me just…"
Words… which…
He violently shook his head.
It's not a test. It's not an assumption. It's not about you. I just kriffing hurt all right… and… nanites or telepathy or dying or you… this is a reaction I've never allowed myself to try before… and perhaps it's wrong, perhaps there's middle ground I need to learn about between suppressing and letting it just unleash on you… and perhaps you're right that there is one ulterior plan of just… seeing what happens when…
He shook his head more slowly.
Out of words, now. Out of thoughts. No idea what he'd even want to happen next.
Lifepod ejected into void. At some point it could be collected. It didn't have its own steering or propulsion abilities, so it would have to be.
He tries to imagine the people whose names are on these walls. How they'd punch him. Baze outright, Chirrut unexpectedly, Bodhi with big eyes.
Maybe he'd just needed to feel this for a moment. He'd never let himself acknowledge or grieve.
Maybe he'd just done something unfair and wrong to Jyn for no good reason. And he knew it wasn't a deal-breaker but he would still have to face it when he stopped spinning.
Maybe they could both be right.
Maybe she could hit him in the head and make it stop. How these feelings didn't go away even though things were good.