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WHO: Rose and Kanaya
WHERE: ye olde college library
WHEN: 13th July
WHAT: Kanaya wants to talk about a thing; Rose is probably not going to take it well.
WARNINGS: potential discussion of death and doomed timelines.

[Despite the overall surprise at being asked to meet, Rose turns up promptly. She comes with an ominous feeling in her stomach; it's coupled with something altogether not unlike nervousness. It's the first time she has seen Kanaya in person since the fiasco with Inumuta.

There's a quiet table at the back that Rose commandeers, surrounded by shelves and empty chairs. There's few people around; only those dedicated to their summer reading.

She sends a short to text Kanaya, directing her to the back of the room and then she waits. Her fingers tapping animatedly against the table, her feet wrapping incessantly against her chair leg. When Kanaya arrives, she'll go still almost immediately. ]

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[ kanaya arrived early, as she always does. for the last fifteen minutes she's been staring in the bathroom mirror, trying to force herself to turn human again and failing. she's checked her nullifier something like seventy times in that period, ruing that she can't alter its intensity, that's it's simply stuck at 67%. today, she could really use the whole hundred.

it doesn't take a genius to tell she's anxious, seeing rose in person is no small matter, that's precisely why she's avoided it for so long. if she could just pack all of those anxieties into their bottle and bury them away, she could be safe for this meeting, a relatively harmless human and not a bloodthirsty undead monster. but if she weren't so concerned with being safe to begin with, then she wouldn't be anxious at all. from every angle, she is her own worst enemy.

she doesn't need the text to know where rose is, if there's one thread that stands out to her regardless of the distance, it's the one that leads to rose. she knew the moment she left the house, the moment she stepped through the door, the moment she sat down. she shines like a beacon wherever she goes, a single point of light cutting through the darkness of space that kanaya couldn't miss if she wanted to. if the text tells her anything, it's that she's run out of time, that the exercise was futile to begin with.

she touches up her makeup quickly before pulling away from the mirror, towards the door, but she can't help but pause before she opens it. once she steps through, there's no more going back, there's no more hiding. this has to be dealt with, and she's the best candidate to do so, rose deserves that. just keep the glow in, at least.

but while kanaya's psyching herself up to actually open the door, someone else does it for her from the other side, taking the wind out of her sails and surprising her enough to accidentally hit them with a flashbang. she ultimately leaves the bathroom dejected and embarrassed, she is absolutely not ready.

by the time she actually comes in sight of the table, her shoulders are hunched and head hanging, still not quite managing to pull all of her glow back yet, or the light tinge of jade on her cheeks. the color, at least, drains when she lays eyes on rose, pausing again, because clearly she hasn't milked her hesitation for all it's worth quite yet. she looks...well, all things considered. she looks uncomfortable, unhappy, uncertain, but at least healthy. kanaya wishes it made her feel a little more at ease knowing that rose is as uneasy as she is, but feeling like the source of rose's uneasiness does not at all help. it's not an easy situation, no one's going to leave here feeling good about themselves. but if the messenger is shot, at least she'll probably deserve it.

while she's simply standing there like an idiot, kanaya realizes she's stopped breathing, which can be a weird habit for someone who doesn't need to. but even still, taking a deep breath gives her at least some appearance of collecting herself. she pushes her glasses up her nose and stands up straight, continuing her march to the table as one might in a funeral procession. she takes her seat quietly, not taking her eyes off of rose's as if she might disappear if she does.

she opens her mouth to speak, but it takes a moment before she can get any sound to come out. ]

I-- Hmm.

[ words. what are words, anyway? ]

Edited (typos!) 2015-07-16 20:10 (UTC)

Hi, [Rose offers instead. It's a bit like a squeak, her voice high pitched and surprised, despite having been waiting. The fact of the matter is; it's awkward. She thought she was ready, but seeing Kanaya now, looking so withdrawn has her thinking otherwise.

There's a pause that hangs for a long moment while Rose tries to gather her words together. Hi, how are you or you look -- you look. Nothing seems right or appropriate. ]

It's good to see you. [That's at least somewhat honest. She swallows. ] But I'll save us the awkward small talk; what prompted this?

[Was that too cold? She sure is gonna be over-thinking it the rest of the day. ]

Mm. [ Those aren't words, Kanaya. Use your words. But "it's good to see you" is a hard statement to swallow, there are many things seeing rose feels like to her, but she isn't sure "good" is one of them. It hurts, in a way, a reminder of guilt and separation and self-denial. She'd like to see her and be around her more often, but she couldn't allow herself that. It isn't safe.

She hangs her head slightly, her eyes falling on the table. It's a risk, breaking eye contact, but not a rational one. ]

Well, it. It isn't the easiest thing to say, just outright. News I heard from home that affects the two of us especially.

[ She takes a deep breath, tucking her hair behind her ear and looking back up at Rose. ] Have you, um, spoken to Roxy at all of the circumstances she came from, back in her own session?

[ Kanaya doesn't suppose she'd be surprised if they hadn't, even if she so casually told Kanaya about how Gamzee died. The rest of it was too heavy, too difficult to broach. And to Rose, the events that will unfold at home may not seem as relevant, when she has so much to deal with in this world already. ]

Honestly, our initial conversation steered heavily towards the sentimental.

[But she has a sinking feeling that she isn't going to like where this conversation is going. She frowns, sitting very upright, shoulders tense. ] The one's following that have been pointedly not about home. Not intentionally, really, just -- naturally.

[But now Dave is here and Karkat is too; she talks about home a lot with other people, but it always seems harder with those who are actually from there. ]

What's happened?

[And what she means is: who has died? Not John, she thinks with her heart in her throat. Not Jade. Davesprite is the last thought and she has to place her hands on her lap, under the table, because they begin to fidget very obviously with nervousness. ]

[ Rose must already know it's bad news, good news wouldn't came with such urgency. Someone else could have delivered good news, but bad news has to be Kanaya. If any messenger is shot, it should be her. Of course, she's also the one just as affected by it as Rose, so she knows how receiving the news will feel. But how does she say it? There's no way to mince or soften it. ]

We're doomed, you and I. We have perhaps a years, once we return, before an altercation occurs that ends with our deaths at the hands of Her Imperious Condescension. But it...it wasn't only us, the only two to survive, to my knowledge, are Roxy and John. [ Even if Terezi was a "probably" and Roxy didn't say a word about Dave. But if he were still alive, she's sure Roxy would have mentioned it. ]

I don't know the specifics beyond that. John apparently developed some skill at traveling through time and...fixed it, creating a new timeline with favorable conditions. It's this new timeline that Dave and Karkat originate from. [ Is there any point to mentioning Vriska? Rose never really knew her very well, it wouldn't really be relevant to her. Or how Karkat pretty much blurted it out to her, Rose doesn't need to know that, Kanaya's not the one here to be comforted, miserable as she looks.

Her hand reaches across the table, but doesn't quite make it the whole way, stopping a few inches short of Rose's. It's a difficult internal conflict, feeling that taking her hand would be appropriate, perhaps necessary, but also that she isn't allowed to touch her. Not after what she did last time she had. ]

I'm sorry.

[She's not subtle about how she feels about this. Her face goes stony, eyes hard and under the table, her hands clench so tight that her knuckles turn white. Each time she's gone home, she returns to a point of personal failure. She's drunk, still. Kanaya barely knows how to handle her. She's unreliable, she's out of it.

She is not the Light player she's supposed to be. Now she knows that the failure continues. She doesn't speak for a long time. She's not sure what to say. She's angry at herself and her problems; they seem so old, now. Yesterday they had seemed irrelevant. But she's never going to stop paying for her mistakes. She's never going to stop making them.

She lets out a held breath.] Okay.

[Her head is reeling. She blinks, once and lets out another held breath. She can't find the words to respond. She can't find the right apology. She sits, staring and her throat feels dry.]

[ Of course, with Rose's hands in her lap, there's no point having hers out, so she pulls it back in. She should get up, sit next to her, give her a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but she's too scared. Too useless.

She lets her head hang instead, her shoulders hunching, and repeats her apology again, almost a whisper this time. She seems to apologize far too much to Rose. ]

I'm sorry.

Why?

[The second apology seems to snap her out of it, for the moment. ] What do you have to be sorry for?

[Her brows furrow. ] I'm the one who's role was to ensure our success. I failed. This is -- this is my mistake.

[again. ] You don't -- this is not on you. I should have prevented this.

[ She shrinks a little, even if Rose was still easier on her than the last time they ran into this problem. Kanaya apologizing, Rose telling her it's not her fault, it goes on in an endless cycle. But this isn't really Kanaya's fault, the bigger thing is that Rose thinks it's hers. ]

You can only identify success. If that success is impossible, what will you see? Would you even know how to change it?

[ It's always weird for her, that Rose's abilities are inherently optimistic. But she knows that circumstances aren't, and how and how could such a power account for that? Maybe their failure is simply assured sometimes, that they have to suffer the slings and arrows that life will throw at them. Maybe Rose's Sight is blind to those moments. ]

This isn't on me, no. Or perhaps it isn't, I haven't seen the specific circumstances closely enough to say. But I doubt you'll have any more opportunity to prevent it than I will.

Kanaya, look at me.

[She means it; really look at her. ]

I am a mess whenever I return home. It's unchanging; twice I've had to live the same mistake over. I am a mess here.

[This is possibly as animated as she's going to get. ] Twice I have let you down. How could I have possibly done my job while I was in such a stupor? Don't -- don't make excuses for me.

[She looks down, at her white knuckles, at the table. Anywhere but Kanaya. ] I doomed us.

[ And she does look at her, her eyes not wavering from Rose as she talks, even when she begins to stare at the table. She looks hurt, honestly, as if seeing Rose in this state, at this level of self-loathing, causes her almost as much pain. But perhaps she is responsible, perhaps Rose wouldn't be as anguished if she had never been Hobgoblin, if they'd discovered it any other way.

She could try to argue logically, but that would be a mistake. How can they quantify her as a mess at home, when she's had two idle years of studying, putting up with a lost tagalong. One drunken tumble down the stairs couldn't be enough to count for it, that isn't a stupor that would permanently blind her. But if Rose sees it that way, it would be pointless to try to argue, the problem is an emotional one, and needs to be met on those terms. ]

You need to look at me, too.

Never once have you let me down, not on the biggest things, not when my expectations were reasonable. I've never needed very much help falling down, I'm rather effective in that area on my own. [ She looks away for just a moment, something cracking in her voice. ] You've always been my reason to get up again.

[ She stops for a moment, brushing back her fringe as a way to furtively wipe her eyes, collecting herself before she continues. ]

The "most favorable outcome" is a comparatively statement, it's the most favorable of what is available. You told me that the day we first met in person, you couldn't guarantee success. I don't need to make excuses when the path you would have seen would only be a dead end.

Paradox space is an impossibly vast place with numerous agents at play, and it's most likely that whatever steered our timeline off the alpha course had nothing to do with us. The largest changes I'm aware of occurred outside your influence, before you even gained your Sight. It's possible you've been looking at a doomed timeline from the moment your eyes opened.

[ She folds her hands on the table, leaning forward a little. ]

You need to look at me, and you need to listen. We are doomed, but that doesn't make it your fault.

[She looks at Kanaya and it is the hardest thing she's had to do in a long time. Kanaya has talked about her own guilt until she's blue in the face and Rose has mumbled about her own. But it's here now, for them both to see. It's a raw, festering wound that Rose keeps on pouring salt into. She cannot stop blaming herself; for Norman, for the Hobgoblin, for every failure that keeps happening.

She might go mad with it.

But she looks at Kanaya and she wants to cry. Her heart feels tight in her chest and her eyes sting with tears she refuses to let fall. She blinks them back and has to swallow down a lump in her throat. She's not sure what to say. She's not sure how to argue back; how to insist that she's the one they both should be blaming. ]

We both know I can't accept that.

[So. ]

What do you know about the new Alpha timeline?

[ She ducks her head, looking down at the table. She doesn't want to know that Rose can't accept it, and before January, she may very well not have. It's a side of Rose she's seen so little of in the past few years, but she can;t help wondering if that side was always there, only hiding.

After prom, they promised each other honesty, and Kanaya's worked hard to keep that promise as well as she could, even when it wasn't easy. But now, she wonders if Rose hadn't, if she'd really been keeping so much from her this entire time.

It's better to focus on the concrete answer. ]

There's only one change I'm really aware of. It was the tell for him, that Karkat and I weren't concurrent to one another. [ And he just had to blurt it out, bless his fucking heart. Kanaya looks up, catching Rose's eyes again. ] Vriska never died there, she was alive with us the entire time, on the meteor.

[ What the hell that even means, especially for the two of them, Kanaya doesn't even know. Could having her ex around come between them, or would it possibly have forced their hand earlier, instead of waiting two years before they finally made a go of it? Or, and this is the one Kanaya doubts the most, it happened like in the City, with her juggling one in red while the other in black.

Seeing her dead was such a large part of what put her relationship with Vriska in perspective, it helped to cool the flame her bitterness had lit. She can't imagine the two of them getting on well, if that never happened. ]

[To anyone unaware of their circumstances, it wouldn't sound like a significant detail. But it is, the reasons in their multitudes. She takes the time to process it. She tries to make sense of it; of this whole revelation. ]

Two light players.

[But, Vriska. ]

Vriska never struck me as the type to fall in line, the little I spoke with her. I presume this continued to be the case.

[Vriska, who Rose had been jealous of, for a while. Vriska, who she can't remember ever following orders. ]

No, falling in line has never been in her character, she's more likely to erase the line and redraw it to her satisfaction.

[ It was a constant source of frustration when dealing with her, to work with her on a team, she was more often an obstacle than an asset. ]

I couldn't say how time or circumstances might have changed her. After all, there was a time I could have said much the same thing about you.

[ If Kanaya was being entirely honest with herself, it was one of the initial points of attraction. ]

Neither falling in line and erasing seems to have worked out well for me. Perhaps I should find a happy medium.

[With some irony: ] Moderate rebellion, maybe.

[She lifts a hand to her mouth and begins to chew her thumb. ] Have they been successful, with the changes?

[With Vriska, she means. ]

You've always been smart, Rose, you're one of the smartest people I know. If you apply yourself to finding your strongest path, I have no doubt it will be laid out before you.

[ Maybe it's a subtle criticism, but maybe it isn't very subtle at all, talking about "applying herself". She's seen Rose go with the flow for a very long time now, and it clearly isn't doing her any favors. It just isn't how she works. There's sure to be better out there for her.

And she can't help but think she might have caused it, dragging Rose down with her. She shakes her head, as if she could shake the thought away, or keep it from showing on her face. ]

I don't know what success they've met. I'm not sure they've seen the end of it all, or at least they haven't indicated that they have. There's rather a lot they haven't mentioned.

But I imagine the conditions must be more in their favor, if we are doomed and they are not.

It might be wishful thinking to hope that any of us, doomed or not, might have saw the end of our journey entirely.

[Or not. Having been here so long now, she's not certain she's ready to know if they can beat all that they need to, in the end. ]

Well. There's a new Alpha timeline and here we are.

[The words are very matter of fact, but her tone is not. It's shaken; she's shaken. ] Here we are.

Perhaps not. Perhaps the prospective reward at the end was never ours to collect, and our intended role is to pave the success for those who are meant for it.

[ Kanaya's relationship with hope has been antagonistic for ages now, devastating as this news is, it only illustrates to her how pointless hoping for anything is. She's always known she could never live long enough to see her own happy ending, now she's just had it confirmed to her by the universe.

But Rose deserves better than her cynicism, especially when people she cares about are connected to it. ]

But I don't think that will be the case. Paradox space has invested enough in our survival already, and when we don't the timeline fails. There's still a plan that we are meant to play in, at least for our alpha counterparts.

[ She folds her hands on the table, staring down at them. She has to find something encouraging to say for this. ]

For you and I...here will be all we're given. This is our stay of execution. We have to make the most of it.

[ So, maybe not very encouraging. But that's part of Kanaya's problem, what she finds encouraging is knowing that there's still more she has to do, even if it's just making her days meaningful. ]

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