tell me what you know about dreams, dreams

[glowsferatu]

WHO: Kanaya Maryam & open
WHERE: Government Holding Facility
WHEN: February 1st-13th
WHAT: Kanaya's out of solitary and open for visitation
WARNINGS: Possible discussion of brainwashing, violence, self-harm. Moodiness is pretty much a given.

[ the two weeks kanaya's spent in prison so far has not been kind to her. lack of sleep and lack of sunlight has left her looking haggard and pale, the dark circles under her green eyes like nearly black half-moons, not hidden under the makeup that's normally so characteristic of her. her hair looks shorter, buzzed closer on the sides to cover patches she'd torn out in solitary. the curls have snuck their way back in, running heedlessly in whichever direction they like, overtaking her fringe in a way that threatens to conquer her face. all the signs are there, kanaya has stopped trying to keep up appearances, and that's always a worrying prospect.

she isn't comfortable, seated at the table, her handcuffs run through a ring in the middle. comfort isn't really the idea, she knows this, and she's still undecided if she should embrace it or grouse. she wants to be uncomfortable, but at the same time it's such a tiresome ordeal, like all the discomforts she finds here are only masks for tedium and mundanity. like the ugly orange uniform she's been made to wear. orange doesn't have to be an ugly color, though it isn't one she thinks does her any favors, and this is not the way to avoid making it ugly. she's almost certain it's deliberate. everything adds up to a slow-burn punishment, and the boredom gives her too much time to think, the one thing she wants to escape.

and so, she just sits in her chair brooding, moving her gaze between the guard on duty and the camera, wondering if this really gives her any more privacy than the network. she's only been called in because someone came to see her, and she still wonders why, even when she already knows the answer: she didn't do a good enough job turning them against her. anyone who actually cared enough to take it out on her wouldn't do it under surveillance.

she isn't looking forward to whatever she has waiting. ]

Comments

feb 7th

[gluestick]

[Aside from seeing her in the hospital that time, Newt has never seen Kanaya look so... unput together. That's the only way to describe it, really. It doesn't suit her at all, and seeing her look this torn down reminds him of how he'd looked and felt after the incident in the Glade. But this is about her, not him. He can't think about that right now.

He slides into the seat across from her, offering an easy smile.]

Didn't even think you could look this bad. How are you holdin' up?

[glowsferatu]

[ it's hard to say if this is an improvement over mascara stains and a big hole in her shirt. that was the mess of a moment, this one has been cultivated, left to grow in its own way. if she's bottoming out, she's going to look the part for once. ]

Newt. You really ought to know better than to think such a moronic question is even worth asking.

[gluestick]

[Newt shrugs lightly, leaning back in his seat as he looks over at her. He tries to hide the pity in his eyes, thinks it's probably something she doesn't want to see, but he does feel bad for her.]

Yeah? What would you prefer I ask, then?

[glowsferatu]

Try something with a less painfully obvious answer.

[ her jaw sets, there's really no question that she isn't holding up well at all, less so than usual. it's a question she hardly cares for on a good day, but on her worst it makes her feel like the other person isn't paying attention. she knows newt is, he should know better. ]

[gluestick]

[He is paying attention, but this... Situation isn't really his strong suit. As understanding a person as he is, he's still rough around the edges. And the state that Kanaya's in right now just reminds him too much of things he'd rather forget.

He sighs, passing his hand over his face.]

Sorry, little pre-occupied by Minho goin' shuck crazy and trying to make an heir with the network. [Trying to make light of it, but he really is sorry that he came off callous.] Do you need anything? Not sure what all they'd let me bring in here, but I'm sure there's some kinda rule on it.

[After a short pause he adds:]

Rose is out of the hospital, thought you'd want to know.

[glowsferatu]

[ she doesn't answer his question, not really knowing what to say. cigarettes and real blood would be her main requests, and there's no way they'd let him bring them. and even with what she saw of minho and kaine making fools of themselves, she says nothing. none of the mocking and humor she might have otherwise engaged in with him.

no, that last bit steals the whole of her attention, and any impulse she had to laugh has been squashed flat. she doesn't know if she even has the right to ask, but she dares to risk it anyway. ]

...How is she?

[gluestick]

[Newt won't hold it against her for asking. He still thinks there's no way Kanaya would have done that without something else playing a factor. He just needs to figure out that something else. He still trusts Kanaya, even in light of all this.]

Now whose the one askin' slinthead questions? How do you think she's doing?

[glowsferatu]

[ her eyes narrow, jaw setting. that obviously isn't what she meant, but if he's going to take her question so literally, she'll just do the same for his. ]

Devastated, betrayed, injured. But recovering.

How is her recovery proceeding?

[gluestick]

You're right about all of that, though she hasn't said it in so many words. [He can only imagine what it's like for them in this situation, and he feels bad for both of them. Newt sighs, scratching his head as he stares down at the table.]

She can't really walk yet, but she's gettin' around well enough by flying, I guess. I can't really say much on her emotional recovery- we haven't talked about it. Not really sure I know her well enough to pry, honestly.

[glowsferatu]

[ that seems about right. if there's so much about them kanaya's kept hidden, rose is only better at it. she smiles and jokes and stares off in the distance every now and then but really sells that everything is okay. you'd need a crowbar to pry into her. ]

She won't. Talk, I mean. She's got it in her head that this is all her fault, like she wasn't the one to pay for my mistakes. She isn't going to just open up with that sort of guilt.

Better at bottling, better still at not blowing after.

[gluestick]

And you've got it in your head that it's all yours. I can't imagine it's right in either case. But this not talkin' about it thing, it's not healthy. Especially if you're never letting it out.

[At least Kanaya explodes at some point, like Newt does. What Rose does, he can't imagine how bad the effects would be. Just that it's nothing good.]

Think I should leave it alone or try asking? Let her know somebody's willing to listen if she wants it? You know her better than I do.

[glowsferatu]

You can try, I suppose. I'm not terribly confident she'll talk. [ even kanaya has some trouble getting her to open up, when the need arises. ] But you can try.

[ if she's been avoiding his gaze already, that avoidance is only more pronounced now. there's shame there, guilt too large for her body to contain. ]

It's different for me. One of us couldn't bring herself to lift a hand to the other, would rather let her body be broken than to harm the one she loves. One of us did the breaking.

Where the fault lies is unambiguous.

[gluestick]

I'll try, then. Might do a bit of good if she knows she's got the outlet there if she wants it.

[Newt drags his hand through his hair, slumping further in his chair as he looks at her warily.]

Seriously, Kanaya, what happened? None of that you said on the network matches the girl I've been livin' with all this time. No way would you have hurt Rose on your own, alright? It's klunk, and I'm not buying it.

[glowsferatu]

Maybe you're right.

[ she clasps her hands together, where it's easier to ensure they don't tremble or shake, or betray her. of course newt's right, she could never hurt rose of her own volition.

and maybe newt isn't as impulsive and reactive as thomas or minho, won't just run blindly into a revenge they have no hope of achieving without considering the consequences. but she can't take that for granted, can't take for granted he won't tell them, and that isn't something she can allow. ]

But even if there is more to it, I can't tell you that. Not with things as they are currently.

[gluestick]

So there was more to it, but you're not plannin' on telling.

[That's what Newt got from that, anyway. If there really wasn't anything else, she would have just kept denying it. He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck.]

Don't trust me that much yet, huh? I don't blame ya, honestly. Just... know you can always come to me if you need to, alright?

[glowsferatu]

Can you really say that with certainty?

[ if she can't completely trust him, can she really come to him? she doesn't even trust herself anymore, she has to be very careful about who else she lets in. ]

There are any number of truths to myself I haven't volunteered. Perhaps you'll know them one day, but this won't be the time to share them.

[gluestick]

I trust you, so yeah, I'm gonna say it with certainty.

[Newt offers a shrug in response to the rest.]

Everybody's got things about themselves they don't want to say, but it's important to know you've got someone willing to listen if you want to, ya feel me? You don't have to carry it all on your own, Kanaya.

[glowsferatu]

You trust me, and perhaps more than I myself do, but that only speaks to one end. Because there's more to trust then knowing someone will listen, that's only the first step.

You must also be able to trust how the person will act on what is being told. Easier to trust you than the others, but that doesn't guarantee that it won't make its way to them.

[gluestick]

[That has him sitting up, leaning forward.]

You think I'm gonna tell somebody anything you say to me? Seriously?

I haven't got a keeper, Kanaya, anything you tell me isn't gonna go any further than me if you don't want it to. Whether you do or not, you can trust me. I hope you understand that some day.

[glowsferatu]

The things I keep hidden, they are none of them small things, especially not now. If you may think something should be done about them, they may inspire you to act.

And to act on a matter that's too big to be solved, it won't end well for you, or for anyone you enlist in aid. You know how surrounded we are by people without level heads.

[ having a face to blame inspires revenge. it's what she'd do, and what she knows others might as well if they knew.

there's minimal chance they'll outsmart norman osborn, but that doesn't mean she can make them understand that. they hope too much, think there's any such thing as winning still. ]

[gluestick]

You're still assuming I'd tell anybody. You think Minho and Tommy know everything I've ever been told in confidence? I trust 'em, yeah, but I wouldn't betray another friend's trust for them either. So if that's what you're worried about, I don't know how else to assure you.

[Kanaya assumes that Newt is as driven by revenge as she is, and if that were the case, he would have gone after WICKED himself for Alby. But he's certainly smart enough to pick his battles, know which ones aren't for now.]

[glowsferatu]

[ he's thomas' friend, she can't really say how he operates when she hasn't had the chance to see it. but she certainly knows thomas will run into anything like a damn fool, and that's the sort of thing she just can't risk. ]

Words only get so far. As I said, it may happen one day, but this isn't that day. I need to know what risk I'll be taking, when that time comes.

[gluestick]

[Don't lump him in with Thomas, that's rude. :(]

Alright. Just... if you need somebody, don't hesitate to contact me if you need to talk. I know you think you've got to shoulder all this on your own, but you don't have to. Hell, you can contact me for anything, even if it's just to shoot the breeze about stupid klunk, I don't care. Just don't shut me out, okay?

[glowsferatu]

[ she doesn't know any better, they both have too much hope for things they have no hope of achieving. ]

It isn't as simple as that, it never has been. But I do appreciate the offer, Newt. Even if I can't take you up on it.

[gluestick]

[ Not to worry, a few months down the line from this, Newt's hopes will be thoroughly squashed and she'll have nothing to worry about. ]

Maybe not now, no. But you might be able to someday. Gotta look forward, that's all.